As I read this article on ESPN.com, I was taken aback by the first sentence. Go ahead, read for yourself and see what I mean. “Warren Sapp is a very picky eater.” If I am not mistaken, Warren Sapp goes about 6’2” and about 320 pounds, although he is listed at 300. The man is a human bowling ball with arms. For him, picky eating means deciding what trough to plop down in front of. Charlie Weis actually contacted Warren recently to give him the name of a good stomach-staple guy. Sapp was the first person to not only sack the quarterback, but also fully digest him. Look it up, do you know why Ryan Leaf is no longer in the league? It is not because of his complete lack of talent, intelligence, speed, or decision-making abilities. It is because Warren Sapp ingested him. Yet, Jabba the Sapp is terrified to eat food that has not been thoroughly inspected or served to him by his team. At least that was the case in Tampa, where this “unpopular figure,” according to the article, constantly lived in fear of his food being tampered with. (By the way, wasn’t Sapp one of the league’s most well liked and popular players for the better part of the last decade, nice work AP.) Well, Warren, despite your trials and tribulations, you still found time to eat a whole lot of food, because you maintained your weight of 300+ pounds, despite playing professional football.
I am just so tired of these athlete sob stories. Just because your team is awful and no one wants to interview you anymore doesn’t mean you can make up garbage stories to complain. You were making 8 million dollars a year, you could have had a chef prepare every meal for you if you wanted. For 8 million a year, you could have bought your own livestock and fish farm and controlled your 36-ounce T-Bone from the farm to your plate.
I also love his story about room service and how he had to book two rooms to avoid tampering with his room service food. Are you telling me that Sapp couldn’t have ordered from a take-out restaurant that delivered and avoided the whole two room business? The last time I checked, Chang’s Kitchen does not ask for your most recent 
W-2 and social security number before it delivers. Or how about this, have a teammate order the food for you. I am sure these food poisoners are an intelligent breed, but they certainly are no match for Robert Warren Oppenhiemer Sapp. I also think Warren could completely avoid this food poisoning business if he did not unhinge his jaw, swallow everything, including the plate and his dining companion every time he sat down to eat.
Memo to all people who used to be in the spotlight and no longer garner the attention that they once did: Enjoy that fact that you are a has-been, rather than a never-was like myself. There was a time when people liked you and I suggest you look fondly on that time rather than making up bullshit stories about your fear of eating when you weigh 300 pounds. However, buried in all of Warren’s posturing, there could be a sick truth. The Raiders have been pretty awful since Warren was signed. It could be that the poisoners were so frustrated by being outsmarted by wily Warren that they turned their attention to poisoning the rest of the team. The team can thank Warren Angela Lansbury Sapp for narrowing down the reasons for team’s poor play to bad personnel, coaching, discipline, talent and Art Shell to the much more obvious, food poisoning. Warren, isn’t Oakland sort of close to Hollywood? I am sure that Nicole Richie and that girl from Growing Pains would love to taste test and then throw up all of your food. Problem solved, you are welcome.
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