What I’m trying to understand right now is why everyone is on The Rocket’s back. Yes, I realize that there is a suspicion and a fairly lengthy accusation on the part of Brian McNamee that Clemens was injected on multiple occasions with anabolic steroids and Human Growth Hormone (HGH). And yes, I also realize that these claims may or may not be true—thus purpose of the Congressional hearing to further investigate these allegations. But as a long-time fan of Mr. Clemens, I will do as I once did for Mr. Isiah Thomas and submit a ‘PP’ argument (Pure Platinum) that cannot be contested or disproven (mostly because I won’t be reading any comments following the submission of this article).
First, one must understand the man as I see him. I present Exhibits ‘K’ and ‘backwards K’:
Granted, the second video only suggests that maybe he’s been doping for the entire length of his career, but that’s beside the point, and thus immiscible in The Angry T Court of Truth and Wooden Gavels.
The argument is simple: Anabolic steroids and HGH do not improve athletic ability or give any athlete an advantage. I know there’s all that so-called ‘objective research and data’ out there in those supposed ‘peer-reviewed scholarly journals’ that would say otherwise, but frankly, I’m not impressed. For all we know, those studies could be a conspiracy by a non-athletic super army of nerds, geeks, and dweebs, collaborating as one to take down the regime of ESPN, Fox Sports, Sports Illustrated, and of course, The Angry T as the sports super powers—the ‘Parallelogram of Pestilence’ as some have said.
To prove my argument, I will become my own test subject. As an athlete and rising sports satire writer, I hypothesize that after injecting myself with several years worth of anabolic steroids and HGH, I will show no signs of enhanced athletic prowess and/or more improved ability to write about sports. Let the test begin…
Hour Zero: Mood: Content
I have just used 3 years worth of steroids and HGH, and other than the swiss cheesed picture that is now my ass, I feel no different than before. I realize this should be the case, as most medications do not show effects with great immediacy. I would like to take this time to thank two local EMTs for helping me with the injections—it would have been near impossible to safely and properly complete this procedure without them. To prove my competence as a sports satirist, enjoy this article about how new U of M football coach Rich Rodriguez managed to take the absences of Arrington, Manningham, and Mallett from their first football meetings as leaving the team—feel free to research further to find the fact that family members of these 3 have all claimed they didn’t know what Coach Rod was talking about.
Hour 0:04: Mood: Nauseous
It’s only been 4 minutes and I think the side effects of the injections are starting to kick in. It probably wasn’t a great idea to take that much for the first time, but I had to make up time to prove Roger innocent. Oh, crap, my stomach feels like it just ate my intestines like linguine. Still, not feeling any stronger, although my testicles have shrunk a bit, but it makes my penis look bigger, so we’ll cough that one up to optimism. I think I’m going to run over and throw up in the sink real quick—besides, those stupid doctors say you’re supposed to work out while on this stuff, so I better make sure to disprove that sentiment too, right?
Hour 0:07: Mood: Scared/Guilty
OH MAN I THINK I JUST KILLED HIM! OH, SHIT! WHAT AM I GONNA DO!?! COME ON MIKEY OPEN YOUR EYES! BREATHE, DAMMIT! I TRIED TO GRAB HIS HEART DIRECTLY AND PUMP IT LIKE I SAW ON THE LEARNING CHANNEL BUT IT EXPLODED RIGHT IN MY HAND! I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE ALL THIS BLOOD CAME FROM! WHERE’S THE OTHER GUY!?! THERE YOU ARE…
Hour 0:08: Mood: RAGING
I CANNOT BE CONTAINED! THIS…THIS POWER…IT’S LIKE NOTHING—SHIT, I THINK I JUST SHOT LIGHTNING BOLTS OUT OF MY FINGERS! FORGET ABOUT TRYING TO BE A BETTER ATHLETE OR WRITER…I WILL CONQUER THE WORLD WITH THIS STRENGTH. WHY WOULD CLEMENS EVER DENY SUCH A GIFT—A NECTAR FROM THE HEAVENS! BUD SELIG WILL BOW BEFORE ME! THE RIVERS WILL FLOW WITH THE BLOOD OF THE HUMANS AND THE GODS WILL CLAIM ME AS THEIR EMPORER! I AM THE ALMIGHTY AND UNSTOPPABLE FORCE THAT WILL FOREVER BE KNOWN AS…
RAGING M
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