Replacing a Legend

The newest installment of the Rambo series is set to hit theaters January 25, and I couldn’t be more excited. At nearly 114 years old, Sylvester Stallone may very well have to hang up the bandanna, M16, explosive arrows and machete sometime very soon. While I am sure that his latest Rambo movie will be the height of entertainment, I am less sure how the writers are going to are going to find a plausible storyline that puts a legitimately 65 year old man into the jungle fighting for his life. Perhaps there is an early-bird special in the Cambodian jungle, or maybe an executive golf course. At the very least, if they want to continue to remake old Stallone movies, please go ahead and do a remake of Tango & Cash, the wildly entertaining tour de force featuring Stallone, Kurt Russell, and Jack Palance.

In any event, with Stallone on his way out and hundreds of good stories involving the Cambodian jungle and VC yet to told, it will be imperative that we find a new Rambo. Seeing as how this is a sports site, lets go ahead and scour the world of sports in search of someone not afraid to wield a machete and shoot arrows that explode on contact. Here are our choices for the next John Rambo.

Kyle Eckel – The mack-truck-like fullback for the New England Patriots is a graduate of the United States Naval Academy. His military background should prepare him for having to escape dense jungle and kill everything in his path. His time with the Patriots has turned him into a winner, which is good, because no matter how many VC get in his way, Rambo always wins.

Ray Lewis – Killing has never been an issue for Ray (allegedly). Plus, on the MTV Cribs episodes that showed America his house, Ray had a Scarface poster, and that screams tough. He is also one of the angrier looking players in the NFL when he is on the field, and that should suit him well in the deep jungle when all hope is lost.

Troy Polamalu – Troy is like an unguided missile on the football field. He wants to hit, and hurt, everything that he tackles. If I had to pick one person in the NFL to kill for justice, he would be the guy I would pick.

Clinton Portis – Clinton is a master of disguises. Even though most of his outfits are flamboyant and potentially homosexual, I think if we can harness his chameleon like ability, he could be a force in the jungle.

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Michael Vick – Too easy. Kills dogs, blah, blah, blah. Already a ruthless killer, blah, blah, blah. Used to being a prison like Rambo, blah, blah, blah. Making Michael Vick jokes isn’t fun anymore, and when you can’t make fun of a felon and enjoy it, an angel loses her wings…I think.

Albert Belle – If Belle is willing to run down children that ask for Halloween candy…with his car. (Great stalking charges in that article as well) Imagine what he can do when provoked. Southeast Asia will be a smoldering hole in the ground by the time Albert is done. Plus, having not played for a solid five years, he has ton’s of time on his hands to grow a flowing black mullet.

Kurt Angle – The former Olympic gold medalist wrestler turned professional wrestler has the acting background to pull it off, he has been fake hurting people for a solid 10 years at this point.

Jayson Williams – Jason is an expert at wielding guns, as long as the safety is on. He also has a ton of experience covering up the evidence, which could be useless when he escapes from the jungle, because he will have accidentally shot several civilians by that point.

Bo Weekley – Professional golfer Bo Weekley is fearless, just ask this Orangutan. According to a story that came out around the time of the British Open last year, Bo fought, and was knocked out by, a live Orangutan at this local county fair. Good god I’d like to live in that county.

Rod Marinelli (Detroit Lions Head Coach) – Similar to Boo, Rod is no afraid to fight a live animal. He wrestled a bear at a car dealership, but instead of getting knocked out, he pinned the bear to the ground. If he can pin a bear, just imagine how many tiny VC he could pin to the ground at once.

With all of these candidates in place, I think it is time that I give the studio my recommendation. Without further ado, you winner is:

Albert Belle!!!!

Albert gets the nod because he hasn’t been in the news much lately, and I know he would like to see the spotlight again before he commits his final felony, and gets sent up the river for 20 or so years. Also, it will give me a chance to see that sweet swing again, and by sweet swing I mean 33 ounces of maple to the head of a craft services representative who forgets his latte the third morning of filming.

The Angry T

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