The Top 25 Things You Can Do Now That Football Season is Over

True story: Today, I asked a football super fan at work, “What are you going to do with yourself now that your beloved National Football League has come to a close?” His response: “Man, I don’t know. I didn’t really think about it that far in advance. I think I’ll just get to work on my wife’s ‘To Do’ list that I’ve avoided all season.” After promptly cutting this patient’s “Man Card,” I recognized that there may be others—regardless of gender—that do not have an appropriate grasp on the activities that exist to fill the void in our athletic souls. It is my duty as a football fanatic myself to make the following recommendations:

25. A good, hearty cry—never to be spoken of again

24.Become a vegetarian—just kidding, keep eating thick rare meat with your bare hands like a caveman would

23. Watch the CBC marathon of curling and bobsledding

22. Push your son to work several hours a day on his throwing arm strength/ability to look mildly retarded when trying to understand where the ‘voices who tell me what to do’ come from.

21. Jazzercise to make sure your Under Armour doesn’t make you look ridiculous next season.

20. Bring your new found gambling addiction to your Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and bet the over/under on Vodka tonics.

19. Stand outside Lee Corso’s house every morning and ask him where his headgear is.

18. Fall to the ground at work, grabbing your calf, and complain about cramping—go home and complete #1 option above.

17. Stand in line for days waiting for your opportunity to caress Terrelle Pryor’s giant balls—just like everyone else.

16. In honor of Coach Knight’s retirement, watch old videos of his violent tendencies and choose ‘Better,’ ‘Worse,’ or ‘Same’ awesomeness as a good ol’ fashioned football hit.(turn the volume down if you are at work)

15. Talk endlessesly with your dad and grandfather about how NBA basketball has “really changed,” and how the are no “fundamentals”anymore. Also, make sure to wax poetically about how great the game used to be with less dunking and more 14 foot jump shots.

14. Send a singing telegram to Washington Redskins’ owner Dan Synder explaining how you plan to get his team to the Super Bowl when you are named head coach/cheerleader.

13. Read www.theangryt.com every day—smile and realize better your life is than the people writing for that awful site.

12. One up Pedro Martinez by being the guest of honor and Grand Marshall at your local Bear-Baiting match.

11. Petition the NBA and the PGA to have Joe Buck broadcast every event for both organizations. You need more Joe Buck in your life, you just don’t know it yet.

10. Use the writer’s strike to your advantage and finish that script that you have been working on for the better part of 15 years. Then submit it to a studio, only to be shot down and live the rest of your life as a failure.

9. Ask Senator Arlen Spector why he is devoting so much time to “Spygate” instead of, oh I don’ know, the economy, the war, poverty, education, free blowjobs on your birthday, etc.

8. Two words: Crack

7. Watch that weird ice / stick game with all those dirty euros that comes on after Bull Riding on the Versus network.

6. Watch Flavor of Love III and Real World / Road Rules challenge, and let it sink in that no matter how bad it gets in the non-football months, it could be worse, you could be any of those people.

5. Go out to your local Best Buy and purchased the new-released fifth season of JAG. Immerse yourself in the actors’ ability to play a triple threat: Judge, Advocate, General.

4. Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate

3. Put band-aids over your soon-to-be-bleeding ears for the next Duke – UNC game featuring crack broadcast pair Dick Vitale and Mike Patrick

2. Follow around Britney Spears with bags of uppers, downer, highballs, snow, water, fern, buddha and the like and tempt her into keeping her baby/legal/drug saga going for couple more months, or years.

AND NOW…the number one way to spend your time now that the football season is over:

1.Say goodbye to the Washingon Redskins Cheerleaders. Say hello to the Miami Heat dancers.(and this video)

Raging M

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