Taking away their man cards

Ok, you are Joey Harrington’s agent.  You’ve probably earned your paycheck more then anyone else in professional sports.  Your client has the same name as Montana and Theisman but still demands to be called Joey.  In a game where machismo and reputation is a necessity on the field, Joey enjoys playing the piano, alienating his teammates, and doing other unnamed things that you made disappear when you got him that mail order bride with the nice hoo-ha’s:

Oh yeah, and then there’s the fact that your selling a lemon when it comes to quarterbacks.  Despite a 5 year career that produced only one season with more touchdowns then interceptions (72 TD, 77 INT) and no winning seasons, you still managed to get Harrington signed for 2 years-6 million with the Atlanta Falcons.  He rewarded your hard work with another fantastic season (10 starts, 7 TD, 8 INT).  With one more season under contract before you have to perform another contract miracle, you need Joey to work on his game and more importantly, toughen up his image.  Then one off-season night, while flipping channels, this pops up on your screen:

That’s right, Joey thought it would help his image to appear on Rachel Ray and show what a great cook he is.  While his baby back ribs didn’t win the competition, Joey did win the consolation prize: 2 tickets to see 27 Dresses and a set of fallopian tubes.  Here are some other athletes who have compromised their ability to pee standing up.

Ironhead Heyward- Zest body wash commercial

I am not one to speak ill of a man who has already passed from this Earth.  But as someone who cleans himself using a bar of soap lined with razorblades and a washcloth made completely of sandpaper and gravel, I just don’t accept that “thingy”

Dennis Rodman- The last 15 years of his life

And nobody wants to pick up this guy?  You’re telling me he wouldn’t draw an extra 5,000 fans a game in Memphis?  Plus you can pay him in Cocaine and eyeliner.

Tom Brady-Stetson

Brady can have pretty much any endorsement he wants.  You think people really want Peyton Manning over the pretty-boy Brady to promote their products?  So why Stetson then?  Why is his biggest endorsement a company that sells cowboy hats and fragrances?  Who is he trying to impress?

Oh yeah….never mind Tom, keep doing the “Magnum”, I would model for Lane Bryant if it meant being with Gisele.

Carson Palmer- John Morrell Smoked Sausage

I love the tough face Carson tries to display and he shoves a sausage down his throat.  Sorry, but there is no way to look macho while eating a wiener, the same goes for drinking out of a straw and saying the word tummy.

A.C. Green – Keeping it in his Pants

As much as I respect A.C’s long time vow of celibacy, I can’t help but revoke his man card for not engaging in just a little bit of groupie action.  That’s like being a vegetarian and living above a free, 24 hour All-You-Can-Eat Steak Buffet.  That’s like spending a weekend over Rasheed Wallace’s house and not taking a single bong rip.  I kid A.C. because I care. Even though he is without a man card, he is also without children out of wedlock and child support payments, which is a commendable in today’s NBA.

Andre Rison – Burning Down the House  

There isn’t ever a situation where you should hit a woman, but if there was one, this would probably be it.  Andre tried to recover his manhood by having as many children as possible in the years that followed. Unfortunately, he ran out of money and ended up looking like a chump once again.  

Jake Delhomme –Biscuit Justice is Served

How about endorsing something tough, like a firearm or brass knuckles Jake?   Once you lose your starting job this season, you can always fall back on that lucrative biscuit promotion business.

Doug Christie: All-Around Bitch

We all remember Doug’s famous scuffle with Rick Fox where Doug’s wife Jackie hit Rick with her purse.  You may also remember the couples’ short lived television show where Jackie makes Doug look like a bitch in pretty much every way imaginable.

Bill Romanowski-Gay Cowboy in movie Wieners

Emmit Smith, Evander Holyfield, etc- Dancing with the Stars

A hint for people those who say dancing is not feminine: if they dress you up like a leopard-print version of Aladdin before you dance the salsa, there isn’t a single masculine thing about what you’re about to do.

-Violent J

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