The Only Reason to Attend Abilene Christian

As all of us know, Abilene, the bustling metropolis of 115,000, right off interstate 20, is a beautiful central Texas town. The avid People magazine readers out there know that Jessica Simpson was born in Abilene. What those same nerds may not know is that Abilene was a major hub in the cattle, and oil industries in the past. Up until today, Jessica Simpson, oil, and cattle, were the only reason someone should ever venture to Abilene (I grew up in Livonia, MI, so I am very familiar with places that no one should ever go).

Fortunately for Abilene residents, all of that is about the change, thanks to Abilene Christian University’s bold new plan for incoming freshman. Each incoming freshman will be issued an I-Phone and an I-Pod touch. Abilene Christian administrators explain that they have developed several applications, including “homework-alerts, in-class surveys, directions to classes, and meal balance information” that students can download to their phones or view on their I-Pods. Wow, if those aren’t great reasons to give a student an I-Pod and an I-Phone, I don’t know what are. I would have been lost in college without “meal balance information,” and “directions to class.” I am shocked I made it through college with an I-Phone now that I think about it. How would I have known that pounding two steak burritos at three a.m. after getting drunk at the bar was not a good idea without my “meal balance information”?

Just call it like it is Abilene Christian, you want to try to attract kids to your school by giving away toys. Like a person dangling a ball of tin foil in front of a cat, you think this grab bag will have kids sprinting through the doors of your admissions office. Sadly, you are probably right in your assumptions, especially since I just found myself in a trance, will drool hanging from my mouth, filling out an admissions application to Abilene Christian.
Touché Christians, touché.

The Angry T

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