If Billy Crystal Can Do It, Why Can’t Jack Nicholson?

By now, I am sure you have heard that the Yankees have signed Comedian Billy Crystal to a one day contract to participate in an exhibition game.  Crystal is a lifelong Yankees fan and he directed the movie 61*,  that chronicled Roger Maris’ 61 home run reason in 1961.

In every other sport, this type of behavior would be weird, even in an exhibition game,  but baseball has allowed a couple celebrities, Garth Brooks and Tom Selleck for instance, to play in exhibition games.

Personally, I would love to see more unbelievably athletic celebrities participate in professional sports.  Why not throw some of these guys on the gridiron with roided-up (allegedly) hulking man beasts like Ray Lewis or Shawn Merriman.

To get the ball rolling, we have made a few suggestions for some celebs that may be able to help their favorite teams, in the exhibition season and maybe even the regular season.    

10. Jack Nicholson – Los Angeles Lakers – C – I wouldn’t mind seeing Jack in the purple and gold, if only for an exhibition game.  “You want me in the paint; you need me in the paint.”

9. Penny Marshall  - LA Clippers –PG – Her work as Laverne, of Laverne & Shirley fame, only gives you a glimpse of the kind of energy she is prepared to bring on a nightly basis.  Start her against the Sonics or some other garbage team in the pre-season.  I guarantee the sell out the Staples Center with rabid Laverne & Shirley fans.

8. Matthew McConaughy – University of Texas – LB – Throw him in the Spring Game and see what he has to offer.  He looked like a physically imposing character in Dazed and Confused, this could work out great.

He is about to lay an absolutely crushing block:

7. Ashley Judd  – Kentucky Wildcats – SG – She could offer the type of shooting off the bench that could put this team over the top, if, and only if, she plays topless.

6. Stephen King – Boston Red Sox  – DC ( Designated Creeper)  You wouldn’t even need to put this guy on the field.  If he just stared at the opposing pitcher for a few innings each game he would creep the Red Sox to 100 wins this season.

5. Snoop Dogg – USC – WR – I am pretty sure they could throw him in against Notre Dame and still win by 59.

4. Bill Murray – Chicago Cubs – LF – He has a lovely golf swing, so I am sure he could take a nice cut at a curveball.  At the very least, he could drive a golf cart, drunk, into right field and take a nap while the other team bats.  In that capacity he would be just as useless Jacque Jones was in left last year.

3. Spike Lee – New York Knicks – PG – Can it get any worse? Seriously,  would it hurt to play him in a game? I have yet to think to think of any negatives to putting him on the floor in a real game

2. Drew Carey – Cleveland Indians – DH – If you replaced Drew Carey with Ryan Garko, 75% of baseball fans would never notice.  They could be brothers…probably.

1.. Regis Philbin – Notre Dame – RB –Just throw him in there against one of the 35 service academies (the Merchant Marines or the Salvation Army will do that) Notre Dame plays each year and he probably picks up 150 yards on the ground.

The Angry T

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