IT LIVES!!!! A 90210 Spinoff is in the Works

I live by the credo that you can never have enough Tori Spelling in your life. Even though she may not be involved in the remake, this show will give me the opportunity to reflect on what effect she has had on my life over the last 8 years. Frankly, I really don’t care about this remake, I watched the OC (yeah I said it) and I quickly became angry/envious/bitter at the rich kids on that show. It was a side of myself I didn’t like, and it was a feeling that never cropped up when I looked into the dreamy eyes of Brandon Walsh.

As anyone over the age of seven knows, 8 years is a long time. A lot of things can happen in that amount of time. In fact, it would be very interesting to catch up with the 90210’s main characters and see how they are doing 8 years later. For clarities’ sake, it is important to note that I don’t care what the actual Tori Spelling is doing, I would rather know what Donna Martin is up to these days.

Luckily for everyone reading this column, I have unique insight into the goings on of television characters that have been off the air for 8 years. Here is an updated report on how the last 8 years have treated the stars of Beverly Hills:90210.

Brandon Walsh - Brandon’s promising job as a newspaperman in D.C. fell through,when the paper discovered improprieties between Brandon, and a University professor names Lucinda. Fortunately, Brandon channeled his vices and opened a bar/underground sports book Beverly Hills. His wildly successful bar made him a millionaire in his first few years on the job, although he squandered most of it after starting a wildly unsuccessful West Coast Choppers type operation with business partner Dylan.

Brenda Walsh - Brenda followed her dream and became an actress in London. She started off small, with low-budget porno’s that gave her an opportunity to expand her acting range. She soon found her niche on the London stage and began to appear in slightly higher budget porno’s. Brenda became tired of the porn game and found work as an extra in several unfunny sitcoms that British people love, like Absolutely Fabulous or any of these terrible shows with people that I can’t understand.

Kelly Taylor - Kelly’s experience in the drug game, her heroic foiling of a suicide plot and her self-defense killing of a would be rapist put Kelly all over the FBI’s radar, but not in the way that you would think. The FBI offered Kelly a job as a field agent because of the bravery and courage she displayed in her 8 season on 90210. She quickly moved up the ranks at the FBI by killing all bad guys in her path. She set an FBI record after she was shot at by evil doers 485 days in a row. Even senior FBI employees could not explain why she was always getting into so many fire fights, even when she was off the clock. She was forced to retire because of post traumatic stress syndrome and moved to a quiet farm in Wyoming, where she has since been shot at several more times and foiled three suicide/cult plots.

Dylan McKay – Dylan hasn’t changed his badass ways in the years since we last saw him. He still loves choppers, despite his failed business venture with Brandon, and he now races them competitively, even though he battles addictions to no less than 30 drugs and prescription medications. If you would like to sample Dylan’s handiwork on the bike, you can check him out in the SuperBike series, racing the #7 Peach Pit After Dark bike.

David Silver – David is still with Donna Martin, who he married on the shows’ last season. David parlayed his love of music into a rap career. You may know him as Shaggy 2 Dope, of the Insane Clown Posse. Despite his success in the recording industry, David continues to struggle with the fact that he married Donna, easily the least second least likable character on the show, behind Andrea.

Donna Martin – As loyal viewers know, Donna opened a clothing store after college. Her clothing store quickly went under because her debilitating partial dyslexia made her price the clothes incorrectly, leading to unbelievable discounts for her customers. She is currently a homemaker and mother of 14 children, all by David. Although she was a virgin up until the shows’ last season, once she got a taste of the good stuff, her libido has been insatiable.

Andrea Zuckerman - Her attempts to be interesting and entertaining in real life have been as futile as her attempts to do the same on the show. She currently runs a “Nerdery,” for nerds, and the like, in some uninteresting place like Tulsa.

Steve Sanders - Steve and his wife Janet made a windfall of cash when they sold “The Beverly Beat.” Steve has continued his role as a stay at home dad and became “House Dad” at the KEG fraternity. He can be found taking care of his now 10 year old daughter Madeline by day, and groping coeds at the frat house by night.

Valerie Malone - Valerie has spent most of her time remaining very hot. In fact, she has spent all of her time staying hot, and if you ask me, she has done a wonderful job.

It is good to see that most of the old gang is still doing well, except Andrea, who is not doing well, because she is a huge nerd.

The Angry T

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