The Sonics Attempt to Bolster Their Front Line

SEATTLE, Washington – In an effort to bolsters their unbelievably inept front line, the Seattle SuperSonics have signed the World’s Tallest Man, Leonid Stadnik. Stadnik, who stands 8’5”, was recognized as the world’s tallest man four months ago, overtaking former record holder Bao Xishun, who checks in at a paltry 7’9”.

Embattled coach P.J. Carlisemo, whose team has lost 11 straight games, cited a fundamental lack of basketball talent in Sonics over 6’10 as his reason for the move. “Sure, Leonid has debilitating foot problems, and sure he walks with a cane, but take a look at the rest of this roster. Robert Swift is in a body mutilation contest with that guy who has tattooed himself to look like a tiger. I walked into the training room the other day, and Mouhamed Sene was eating a basketball with knife and work, so he has a ways to go. We have caught Francisco Elson trying to ship himself back to San Antonio in team luggage about three times a week since he was traded. The fact that we are putting all of your faith into Johan Petro says it all.

Leonid is not the most fleet of foot 8 footer out there. He has lingering foot issues from a particularly bad case of frostbite he caught because he couldn’t afford shoes to fit him. Thankfully for the big Ukranian, shoe deals from the likes of Nike and Adidas seem imminent, so Seattle’s front office was unconcerned with future frost bite concerns.
Probably the only member of the Sonics organization who wasn’t thrilled with what an 8’5” man could do on the basketball court, was Robert Swift. Swift is frustrated by the countless number of Europeans and Africans that the organizations brings in, just so they won’t have to play him. He cites Leonid as the latest in a line that includes the aforementioned Petro, Sene and Francisco Elson.
While P.J. Carlisemo was optimistic, he tempered his expectations from Stadnik in saying, “Honestly, if this guy gets us four points, four boards and block, and doesn’t become a national embarrassment, he has done more than anyone we have brought in over the last five years. Hold on…I gotta go, Robert Swift is about to leave and get his ears pinned back like a Doberman Pinscher, he said he thinks it will make him ‘look fierce.’ I gotta stop him.”
Good look Leonid, this will only be slightly more painful than that frostbite.
The Angry T

Popularity: unranked [?]