Tonya Harding looking more and more like the future Mrs. John Daly

For someone like myself whose only true loves in life are figure skating and guns, I nearly jumped out my window with joy when I saw this article about Tonya Harding.  Apparently police were called in when a neighbor reported hearing shots from the former figure skating, current mixed martial arts psycho’s house.  Says the neighbor who heard the gunshots:

“She has a perfect right to shoot.  I don’t know that she’s not doing it in a safe manner.  I called (the police) as a courtesy.”

Let me translate this quote for those of us who don’t speak redneck or don’t currently have a Copenhagen lodged in their lower lip:

“I love me some guns, I love me some NASCAR, Jeff Gordon should burn in hell, but even I don’t trust Tonya Harding with a rifle.”

Tonya Harding being a gun toting redneck is nothing new.  As she so elegantly put, she is a “…redneck type of girl…..I cut wood, drink beer, work on cars…”  However, you may not know what your other favorite figure skaters are up to.  The headlines you are about to see may shock and surprise you…especially since I just made them up.

“Nancy Kerrigan hooks up with Uncle Joey from Full House….sexual imitations of Popeye, Bullwinkle and Yosemite Sam heard throughout the night by neighbors”

Brian Boitano in pink ruffled shirt: “My sexual preference is my business.”

Oksana Baiul believes she has turned into a magic genie, first wish is to become sober, second and third wish are for shots of vodka

Maury Povich to the Keebler Elf: You are the father……of Tara Lipinski

Kristy Yamaguchi turns to soft core porn…..milk commercials

Surya Bonaly inducted into the black figure skater Hall of Fame, feels very lonely as she only black figure skater ever.

Violent J

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