Your Hardly Believable Story From the Beijing Olympics Story: March 31, 2008 Edition

My family and friends know that I don’t start a day without ingesting a small amount of crushed deer penis diluted in a solution of turtle blood. I learned this practice from an old, constantly drunk, Chinese man that used to hang out in front of my favorite liquor store in college. He was young looking his age, virile, and had the amazing ability to drink two and a half bottles of five o’ clock in a day and not die, as most mortal men might do. What escaped me about this old Chinese man, was that he was absolutely ripped. He was probably the most in-shape 65 year old alcoholic Chinese man that I have ever met. What also escaped me was that the deer penis and turtle blood he was drinking were as potent as anabolic steroids.

It good to see that the Chinese are cleaning up their act and directing their athletes to use modern training aids:

The nation’s sports stars are replacing millennia-old elixirs with vitamins, protein shakes and Western remedies.

Thankfully, “protein shakes” and “vitamins” have never got any athletes into trouble in the United States. Just ask Neifi Perez and Lindsay Hunter.

I don’t normally give these tips away for free, but if Chinese athlete really want a legal leg up, take a play out of your own playbook and try “Horny Goat Weed.” It can be found at almost every gas station, and one pill is has good as an oil barrel full of stanizol.

The Angry T

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