In Honor of a Urinating Kenyatta Davis, We Present the All-Taser Arrest Team

Just like hundreds of metro-sexuals and casual sports fans that call the Green Bay QB Brett “FAVre,” I get all my sports news from TMZ.com. It is a good thing I do often visit this font of sports knowledge, because otherwise I wouldn’t know that former Patriot, and current arena league player Kenyatta Jones was arrested for peeing on the floor in a club. How do you try to urinate on the dance floor? You either piss or your don’t, you don’t try, unless you have stage fright. But I highly doubt that he had stage fright since he whipped it out on the dance.

I have noticed a growing trend in athlete arrests these days, and Kenyatta Jones arrest is no exception. No one goes away quietly anymore. If these athletes are going to jail, they sure as hell are going to get tased. To keep you appraised of all recent taser related arrest, we have assembled the All-Taser team below, made up of the Top 10 Athlete taser arrests. Enjoy and I am sorry I can’t give you info on whether any of these athletes said, “Don’t tase me bro,” before they had 50,000 volts of electricity shot through their bodies.

10. Former NBA Center Dale Davis – Dale is a very large person and I would be interested to see the effect of a taser on a 6’11 260 pound man.

9. Former NBA Center Michael Olowokandi – Surprisingly enough, the Kandi man is just as useless off the court as he is on it.

8. Spurs Guard DerMarr Johnson – He was arrested along with two women, so maybe he was trying to help them…but probably not.

7. Texans Guard Fred Weary – I sort of feel bad for Fred on this one, because the police ended up apologizing for using the taser…but not enough to leave him off this team.

6. Minnesota Vikings DT Fred Evans – Fred was subdued by tasers, according to the article. “Tasers,” meaning more than one, this is a tough dude.

5. Former Cincinnati Bengal Matthias Askew – Askew was tasered following an incident involving his illegally parked car.  Either they are a little taser happy in Cincinnati or every Bengal gets tasered for free on their birthday.

4. Marlins Pitcher Scott Olsen -  Olsen thought that he was playing tag, and as long as he got home, and sat on a chair on his porch he was exempt from any prosecution.  Unfortunately, he does not live in international  waters, so he was tasered to the ground by police.

3. Former NFL QB Josh Booty – I like how the article mentions that he hit is head on a table during the struggle. Right…It would be correct if by table, they meant business end of a nightstick.  Hello, John David, I would like to introduce you to the anchor that you will have to take care of for the rest of your life.

 

2. The Entire Chilean Soccer Team – You can’t even blame this one on violence on American television.

AND THE #1 ATHLETE TASER ARREST OF ALL-TIME IS…

1. Former Tampa Bay Buccaneer Keith McCants – This was the most recent athlete tasering besides Jones, as it took place best line of the article right here:

McCants, 39, allegedly threw a pair of pliers, a screwdriver and a crack pipe at an officer Friday evening, nearly hitting him in the head.

I give my friends and family the right to taser me on the spot if they ever catch me with that haircut.

The Angry T

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