Joey Porter: Greatest Human since Jesus? (or Muhammad, Buddha, Moses, etc.)

I wish wholeheartedly that Joey Porter was a member of the Detroit Lions.  They would still be terrible, but at least we would have the most entertaining player in the league.  His shtick the last few years was priceless.  Whether he was guaranteeing victory, threatening lives, or just talking trash, the guy was entertaining as hell and the media ate his comments up.  I am going to run down a few reasons why this man is a better human than Mother Teresa and more patriotic than George Washington. 

He is a politician.  How about this quote? (On meeting the President after the Superbowl win): “Yeah, I got something to say to Bush, I’m going to have a swagger when I walk in there, too. I’m looking forward to it. I have something to tell him, too. I don’t like the way things are running right now. I feel like he has to give me some of my money back.”  What a patriot.  He doesn’t just hate from the sidelines.  He goes right up to ol’ GW and gives him the business.  That’s democracy right there; what an American.  The guy who wrote Hulk Hogan’s “Real American” entrance music would be proud.

He raises pit bulls.  Two of which killed a minature horse in his neighborhood.  Did he feed them?  Who knows?  All you need to know is that minature horses should not get so close to Joey Porter’s dogs.  Even if the dogs did break lose from their pen and hunt the minature horse like prey and kill them.  Still, why does that person own a minature horse?  Why not a regular sized horse?  The answer, of course, is because they are probably terrorists.  Couple that with Joey Porter’s undying Patriotism and you have a dead minature horse.

He has been shot… in the ass. It doesn’t really matter though, I still respect him at least 1.5 times more just because he has been shot at all. 

He is News-worthy.  There is a website called http://joey-porter-news.newslib.com/.  A specific website is updated with news stories only related to Joey Porter.  And it’s not like there are only a few entires either, this guy is making news weekly.  “Joey Porter Apologizes for Comments,” “Joey Porter could avoid testifying,” “Joey Porter is Latest to Drop the F-Bomb,” “Kellen Winslow Will Pray for Joey Porter.”  Great headlines, great human being. 

If you read all of the articles you probably stumbled along what made me write this column.  Joey Porter apologized for comments he made about Kellen Winslow Jr.  Before I go on, this is what makes this guy great.  He can easily recognize the clowns in the NFL and then go right after them.  Kellen Winslow, of course, is the loser whose post-game tirade got him national attention in after he referred to a game as “war” and himself as a “soldier.”  He also said he tries to kill the people he plays against. Just watch. He ended up getting drafted in the first round by the Cleveland Browns.  He promptly got into a motorcycle accident while trying to do a stunt and messed up his knee in 2004.  Then he blew out his other knee last year during a drill.  He has been pretty unspectacular this year, but still felt it necessary to talk trash to Joey Porter prior to last weekend’s game.  I can’t even begin to tell you how angry it makes me that a guy who has done nothing—and I mean nothing—in his three year career feels the need to talk trash to an All-Pro linebacker before the game.  I should also mention, as the vein in my forehead hemorrhages, that the game meant absolutely nothing, as the Browns are 4-9.  If I could fake wanting an autograph from Winslow, Taser him in the testicles, and get away with it, I would.  Back to my original point.  Porter took umbrage with Winslow’s comments and said this.  Whether you agree with the use of the word “fag” or not, you have to agree that Winslow exudes many stereotypical characteristics of a homo-sexual.  Limp wrists, prancing run…all the signs are there.  But he never plays, so no one can actually confirm or disconfirm any of the rumors.  All jokes aside, Porter is correct.  There is no way Winslow should be talking trash about anyone.  Porter apologized for the use of the word “fag” and said (I love this) “I only meant to offend Winslow.” That is a fantastic apology… wait, is it even an apology?  Michael Richards should take a page out of Porter’s book and apologize to the black community by saying, “I only meant to offend the blacks that were heckling me.”  I am sure that would smooth things over.

All of these factors aside, Porter used to do the throat slash (ala “The Undertaker” before he delivered the Tombstone Piledriver) when he would make a sack or a big tackle.  There is no better celebration than pretending that you have just killed the runner or quarterback by slitting this throat.  That is, unless his next celebration is a mock sneaking up behind the QB, Navy Seal choking him out, and then fake pulling the body over to the sideline and hiding it behind the first down markers.  Even Gilbert “Grave Digger” Brown would be proud if he were alive today.  Think about it Porter.

The Angry T   

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