The “Sean Avery Rule” Inspires New Rules for Our Favorite Sports

Anyone who knows hockey knows that Sean Avery is a douche. He has reaffirmed this feeling among NHL fans with these shenanigans.

Okay fine Sean, you were dating Elisha Cuthbert, so you beat me there. BUT, that doesn’t give you license to be the colossal douche that you typical choose to be…okay, maybe it does.

In any event, the NHL has amended their rules to include this screening practice as illegal. Fans are calling this the “Shaun Avery Rule.” This rule is a good start, but I would like to take this opportunity to offer some more new rules, based on the actions of different athletes in different sports, for potential inclusion in the rule book.

NHL:

Patrick Roy Rule: A goalie cannot wear a suit of armor in net. Pads will still be allowed, but no XXXXXXXXXXXXL jerseys and 60 inch pads. Let’s remember people enjoy when the pucks goes in the net. Actually, they stand up and cheer when it happens, which I believe is a sign of their approval.

Puck Girl Rule: All teams must have scantily clad, hard nipples girls that skate around and pick up the ice left by the Zamboni.

The Chris Chelios Rule: All teams must employ a minimum of five American hockey players. I don’t care if they can’t skate, or play the game at a high level, as long as you choose to play your game in our country, you must support our economy.

NFL:

Mike Nolan Rule: All coaches must dress in a coat and tails. Unless otherwise instructed, NFL coaches should assume that all NFL games are a black tie event. In fact, coaches should have to bring at least four changes of clothing and change, in Quick Change fashion, in between quarters.

Wes Welker Rule: At the penalty of tarring and feathering, no announcer is allowed to refer to a productive white receiver as a hard worker, student of the game, or good route runner without also recognizing that said white wide could, potentially, be fast. The result of this rule is to force announcers to actually watch a white wide receiver play before they determine that he is not fast and therefore can only get by based on his hard work, knowledge of the game, and route running ability.

NBA:

Rasheed Wallace Rule: After a bad call, if you make a face that would normally represent a death in the family or your dog being stabbed, you are immediately suspended for 20 games. (I love you Rasheed)

Robert Swift Rule: No NBA team is allowed to draft a center in first round if they cannot figure out adjectives other than: A legit 7-footer, long, good athlete for his size, to describe him. I am certain that the player in question will never a good player if no actual basketball attributes are used in his scouting report. (Editor’s Note: The rule narrowly missed being called the Mohamed Sene Rule)

MLB:

Ray King Rule: Before the season begins, each player must take a BMI test. Anyone over 30 (considered obese) will be given a one month probationary period to lower their weight. If they can’t get it under 30, they are immediately cut. You are a professional athlete Ray, start acting like it.

Ken Griffey Jr. Rule – Every player is required to stretch for at least 30 minutes before the game, and two minutes in between innings. For a sport that is about as physical a pillow fight, players seem to go down with strained quadriceps and hamstrings every four or five minutes. I think 96 percent of the Detroit Tigers roster has some form of leg muscle strain. Can we get a trainer that passed seventh grade gym for god’s sake? Mr. Curry, aside from making sure everyone was lathering properly in the showers, made sure we stretched for 20 minutes before we played dodge ball or archery or other, equal lame games.

College Basketball:

The Toby Bailey Rule: An independent panel will be formed to asses when a player has reached their eligibility limit. Toby Bailey may have played college basketball for 13 years. When more than half of the seven person panel utters the phrase, “hasn’t that guy been around for 10 years?”, that player is immediately stripped of their eligibility (And their dignity).

College Football:

The Joe Paterno Rule: Every school in Divison I, must have a coach over the age of 75. They add color and flavor to the game, not to mention, they would replace the greasy, used-car salesmen that currently populate the coaching ranks. If this rule is instituted, each broadcast would contain several, “The last time (Blank) wasn’t coach of the Southern Miss Golden Eagles, J. Edgar Hoover was the cross-dressing director of the FBI.”

I would like all of these rules instituted by the end of the week. You will thank me later.

Popularity: 1% [?]