Lawrence Frank now Wears a Bathing Suit in the Shower After Games

You may or may not have heard, but a couple different “news outlets” are reporting that a member of the NBA’s New Jersey Nets is gay.  (check this out as well) I will preface this article by saying that this really shouldn’t even be an issue.  While one of these outlets calls it a “scandal,” I say who cares?  So the dude likes dudes, there are a lot of those guys out there.  Isn’t it reasonable to assume that at least one of the approximately 350 NBA players would be gay?  I am going to go against Todd Jones and his hilariously bigoted comments toward gays in 2002 and say more power to the guy if he thinks he can deal with all the attention he will inevitably receive. (Take a look at Shockey’s comments as well, what a clown.  You look like you are missing a chromosome or two Jeremy, not sure you would be the homosexual players’ type.) 

With all that said and my disclaimer firmly in place, I would like to introduce to the most likely candidates and allow the reader to play “Guess the Gay New Jersey Net.”

Before we begin, remember the clues, Scooby Doo style: African-American, dates Caucasian women, enjoys nightlife with teammates and friend Tyson Beckford.

5. Jeff McInnis:  Surprising pick here, but I did a little research and it turns out that Jeff is friends with Tyson Beckford. He also has a child with a Caucasian woman.  Using those clues, this could be our guy.  Unfortunately, the article above also says that the player is a “prominent” member of the New Jersey Nets.  Unless the definition of prominent has changed, he is about as “prominent” as Yinka Dare, RIP.

4. Jason Kidd: We all remember the well publicized story involving Kidd and his wife. He slapped her around a little bit, what a man. You have to ask yourself, why would anyone hit a woman this beautiful, or any woman for that matter?  Well, maybe he did it because he hates women, so much in fact, that he loves men.  The logic in those last two sentences is flawless.  There is no reason to re-read them to pick apart potential flaws because they are infallible.  With his history of hatred and violence towards women, Kidd would seem like the logical choice.  However, he is married, and the story makes light of the fact that he has “been linked to many women in the past.”  This disqualifies Kidd, despite my air-tight argument to the contrary.

3. Marcus Williams: The best pure point in the 2006 NBA draft fell all the way to the 22nd pick where he was selected by the Nets.  Very few people thought that Williams would fall this far and New Jersey was very happy to get him at this pick.  Now some may see that slip as a result of the other teams not looking for or needing a point guard.  Others would argue that Williams’ character issues after he stole laptops from UConn dorm rooms made some teams shy away.  I would argue, because this article makes more sense if I do, that Williams fell because teams knew about his late nights with Tyson Beckford and his potential propensity for dudes.  The other teams refused to risk the negative publicity from homophobic fans once Williams was outed.  One strike against Williams as the homosexual in question is that he really has never received any publicity for canoodling with Caucasian women.  In fact, he hasn’t made any publicity for canoodling with any woman, which both confirms and disconfirms his case as the player in question.  For the moment, we will assume that Williams is not the gay New Jersey Net, because the next two Nets probably fit the profile a little bit better than ol’ Marcus.

2. Vince Carter:  Vince is an intriguing option for the gay New Jersey Net.  He definitely would fulfill the “prominent” qualification.  I have also unearthed a piece of evidence that I find particularly damning for Carter.   Fredric Weis, the 7’2” French center can confirm that Carter enjoys putting his testicles directly on the forehead of other men.  This piece of evidence alone could confirm Carter as the Net in question.  However, besides Carter’s obvious propensity for forehead/testicle action, and friendship with Tyson Beckford, Carter has a daughter with current wife Dr. Ellen Rucker-Carter.  Mrs. Rucker-Carter is an African-American, which would go against what we know about the gay New Jersey Net.  Even though Wikipedia reports that Carter recently filed for divorce with Mrs. Rucker-Carter, I begrudgingly remove Carter from contention based on the fact that he doesn’t match the criteria quite as well as the final player on our list.

Drum roll please… you have probably already identified the person that I will now make a case for as the gay New Jersey Net.  You are probably also thinking that I could have saved the previous 750 words and you could have saved the last 10 minutes of your life. 

1. Obviously, Richard Jefferson is the gay New Jersey Net.  He is prominent, he has been associated with Caucasian women in the past, namely his Ex-girlfriend and model, Teresa Lourenco, and although there are no pictures of him with Tyson Beckford, they are reportedly friends. The fact that he broke up with that girl makes me think that he might be gay. After that fact, I am starting to think that this “breaking story” really isn’t that surprising at all. 

While there are no definitive answers to the question, we have, at the very least, identified the contenders and the long shots.  Honestly, I don’t care who it is, and I don’t care if he is gay, but given the opportunity in a different situation I would play “Guess the (Blank)” again and again.  My next article could be “Guess the Person Least Deserving of his Position in Sports,” with all five entries as Matt Millen.  After that, maybe “Guess the Most Pathetic Franchise in Sports,” with all five entries as the Lions.  How about “Guess the Next Athlete to Commit a Murder,” with four entries for Chris Henry and one for Tank Johnson. (Check this out too, funny stuff)  By the way, who knew Tank’s name had less to do with his physical stature than his artillery collection. That’s taking Y2K preparation to the next level. Personally, my bathtub has been filled with water for 6 years. Now, back to the topic at hand. Finally, I will write an article called “Most Likely to Offend a Significant Amount of People with this Column,” with 5 separate pictures of yours truly.

The Angry T

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