The Angry T’s Mock Baseball Draft – Featuring Movie Characters

Major League Baseball will hold their draft tomorrow and hundreds and hundreds of baseball players that  you have never heard of will be placed assigned to your  team’s minor league affiliates.  About two percent of these young men will one day make it to the majors and if you watch the broadcast tomorrow, six years from now, you can say, "I remember when (blank), the backup centerfielder, was drafted."

Since the MLB draft is such a letdown, we have put together our own mock draft.  But don’t worry, our draft contains no actual players.  Instead, our draft is chock full of fictional baseball players in movies and TV who we evaluate based on their movie attributes and tell you where they would go in the draft.

I added a few more guys at the bottom because they were just too good to leave off.

1. Steve Nebraska – P – The Scout - Tampa Bay Rays – In his first game, Nebraska threw a perfect game with 27 strikeouts. He also hit the game winning home run. If he continues at this pace, he could be a pretty decent player.

2. Henry Rowengartner – P – Rookie of the Year – Pittsburgh – Pittsburgh doesn’t have anyone in their organization that can throw 110 mph. Now they have one.

3. Roy Hobbs – RF – The Natural - One of two players on this list with true "Light Tower Power."

4. Jack Parkman – C - Major League II-Baltimore -He does that little shimmy, that makes all the girls in Cleveland go wild. Oh, and right after he does the shimmy, he hits 35 bombs and drives in 125 runs a year.

5. Ryan Dunne (Freddie Prince Jr.) – P – Summer Catch – San Francisco – He can pitch, he can hook up with Jessica Beil, and he landscapes. I don’t think I can ask for anything more out of a 5th pick,

6. Willie May Hays – CF – Major League – Florida – Think fictional Ricky Henderson. Plus, he can turn into Wesley Snipes at the drop of a hat.

7. Crash Davis – C – Bull Durham – Cincinnati – Flat out, he was Mike Piazza before there was Mike Piazza, and he will be Mike Piazza after has retired. (Which is right now)

8. Mel Clark (Tony Danza)- RHP - Chicago White Sox – If guts and moxy were the only thing you need to be a 20 game winner, Mel would win 20 games for the next 20 years. Unfortunately, his arm is dead, and according to AL, he will soon go the way of his arm due to lung cancer. Despite his impending death, teams still can’t get over his guts and that’s why you see him at pick eight.

9. Perdo Cerrano – Major League – He may have been a head case, but this SOB can rake.

9. Ed – 3B – Washington – Ed – Defensively, he is probably the best 3B prospect to come along in years. Offensively, he has a ways to go, but ability to take walks should make up for the fact that he is 2’6".

10. Jake Taylor – C – Houston -Major League - Jake is a great hitting catcher with power to all fields. He has had injury problems in the past, but his heart, and leadership ability more than make up with his propencity for injury

11. Nuke Laloosh – RHP – Bull Durham – Texas Rangers – This guy has a Major League arm, but he is a head case.

12. Kelly Leak – Bad News Bears – CF – Oakland – Kelly can pretty much do anything on a baseball field. He falls to the 12th spot because of questions about his coachbility and attitude:

13. Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughan – P – Major League – St. Louis – Can run it up there at 100 mph. However, you never know which Vaughan you are going to get on any given day.

14. G-Baby – Hardball – Every Single Position -Minnesota – To say that G-Baby only has five tools is an insult to his baseball ability. By my count, he has around 15 or 16 tools. Unfortunately, he lives in a terrible neighborhood on Chicago’s southside and those who have seen the movie know this story can only end one way. Also, the video below is a tribute to G-Baby, using scenes from the movie set to the song "There you’ll be." I was pretty sure I was a loser, but whoever made this video makes me think that I may just be a dork, and this guy is a full-blown loser:

15. Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez – CF – The Sandlot- Los Angeles Dodgers – Wheels, heart, determination, PF Flyers are the four things that you need to be successful in life, and not just Major League Baseball. Benny will be successful in both.

16. Dottie Hinson – C – A League of Their Own – Milwaukee - Sure she is a girl ,but I have never seen any major league baseball player catch a ball in their hat, not a single one. Oh yeah, and Jason Kendall, you aren’t getting any younger.

17. Billy "Downtown" Anderson -Major League III – Back to the Minors - Toronto- Fans of this abomination of a movie know that Billy was the talent on the South Carolina Buzz. It is time for Billy to be called up, so to speak and Toronto could use a bat like this.

18. Taka Tanaka – Major League II and III – LF – New York Mets – Taka has a tenacity that isn’t often seen in the American game. He brings a samurai level of focus and athleticism that the Mets could use in left field.

19. Air Bud – Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch – CF – Chicago Cubs -I cannot do his skills as a three sport athlete justice in this small space, so I won’t even try.

20. Hamilton "The Great Hambino" Porter – Sandlot – C – Seattle – Three words: Light, Tower, Power. Fourth word: Ginger

21. Mary Rowengarter – Rookie of the Year – RHP – Detroit – Her son obviously got the talent in the family gene pool, but I think she may be unto something with this "floater":

22. Billy Brubaker – Summer Catch – C – New York Mets – Sure he might party a little too much, but who doesn’t these days. Also, I don’ think Raul Casanova is going to cut it for too much longer.

23. Eddie Harris – Major League - RHP – San Diego – Eddie will use every trick in the book to get hitters out. He has no problem using vaseline, pine tar or vagisil to make that ball dance. This is the kind of guy I want on my team.

24. Chet "Rocket" Stedman – Rookie of the Year - RHP – Philadelphia -Great arm and a great lockeroom guy. The only issue that could arise is if one of the players has a real young mom, bcause Chet is a tomcat.

25. Squints Palledorous- The Sandlot -IF – Colorado – They didn’t show it in the movie, but this guy is probably the best contact hitter I have ever seen. Plus he can pull tail like no one’s business.

26. Mae Mordabito (Madonna) – A League of Their Own – Arizona – If I have said it once, I have said it 1000 times: Every team needs are least one grammy winning artist in the lockeroom. I believe that is the sole reason why the San Diego Padres let that hack Garth Brooks play a couple spring training games each year.

27. Doris Murphy (Rosie O’ Donnell) – 3B – A League of Their Own – Minnesota – Two words: Slump Buster.

28. Tanner Boyle – 2B / SS – Bad News Bears – New York Yankees – A scrapper in the David Eckstein mold. He is just the type of guy to whip the under .500 Yankees in shape.

29. Stan Ross – Mr. 3000 – Cleveland - If you saw this movie, you were no doubt impressed by Bernie Mac’s sweet stroke. If you did see this movie, please leave a comment about said stroke, because I am putting him on this list based solely on his performance in the Ocean’s Eleven movies alone. "They might as well call the game whitejack!"

30. Jack Elliot (played by Tom Selleck) – Boston – Eliott can fit in anywhere he goes, mostly because of his intoxicating musk (I imagine) and one hell of a mustache.

31. Mike McGrevey – Little Big League – RHP – This video below should tell you all you need to know about ol’ pretty boy McGrevey"

32. Jackie Robinson Cooper (Played By Gary Coleman) --I have no clue what position he plays, and he may have just been a manager in this movie, but I think every majoe league team could use a guy like Gary Coleman. Again, I am not sure why, but I can’t believe his tiny hands and adorable 45 year old face could hurt anyone.

33. The Kid Who Only Hit Homers – Position Unknown – This little bastard is an intriguing pick simply because of his power. By all accounts, he is an 12 year old boy, but teams are drooling over his power, even though no one has seen him play and most teams have only read the cover of the book below.

34. Bobby Rayburn – CF – The Fan – Rayburn is a flashy center fielder with great speed, not unlike Willy Mays Hayes, who was selected above. He has great athletic ability, but huge holes in his swing will make him a streaky hitter

Let me know who I missed in the comments.

The Angry T

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