Tiger Who? With John Daly and Kid Rock playing in the Pro-Am today I’ll be too drunk to remember that guy

The Buick Open, one of the easiest stops on the PGA Tour is the first golf tournament to have to go through Tiger Woods withdrawals this weekend.  However the folks up in Grand Blanc, Michigan aren’t going to go down Tiger-less without creating some fireworks.  And what better way then to pair up John Daly and Kid Rock in today’s pro-am. 

They will tee off today at 1:20 because Daly and Mr. Rock refuse to wake up before noon.  I think this Happy Gilmore way of thinking is the way to go until Tiger comes back.  Are you really going to tune in Sunday afternoon to watch Tom Pernice and Scott Verplank fight for the Buick Open championship? I’m telling you the most entertaining thing to watch this weekend is which hole Daly throws up into and which hole Kid Rock gets flashed on first.  To help the Buick Open out, I have taken 5 golfers (Ken Duke, Jose Coceres, Lucas Glover, Paul Goydos and Nick Watney) that I know nothing about and I doubt the average golf fan does either, and I am kicking them out of the Buick Open.  Kid Rock is a good start to having people tune in, but with the addition of these 5 golfers to the tournament this weekend, it will have people saying “Tiger who?”

1.  Hookers

Now I am not talking about filthy 8 Mile Road hookers.  What about classy one’s like Julia Roberts’ character in Pretty Women, or that nice lady I picked up last Saturday who pinky swore that she didn’t have hepatitis C?

2.  Elin Woods

When men went off to war or were injured in the early 20th century, women often went to work in the factories and the golf course for their husband.  This would explain Valerie Hogan’s Sunday 68 to win the 1941 Pay n’ Save Invitational over Byron Nelson.

3. A Grizzly Bear

This thing can run 25 mph, climb trees, and is responsible for 70% of all bear attacks on humans.  They are also known to play beautiful draws and are extremely accurate with their putters.

4.  Double Pendulum Golf Robot

Do you remember Gary Kasparov’s epic battle against the Supercomputer Deep Blue in chess?  Think of the drama on the golf course as Chris DiMarco and the golf machine go shot for shot.  No matter who would win this battle, we need to make sure that we destroy the machine after the tournament because I watched I, Robot last night and lets just say thank God for Will Smith.

5.   Ted Williams (unfrozen)
 

Yes, that’s actually Han Solo’s body in carbonite, but I figure it’s fairly close to Ted William’s body.  Once we get him thawed out, he should be plenty long off the tee.

-Violent J

Popularity: 1% [?]