The All-Redneck Team

I would like to address this sentence to my future bride: My wedding will take place at Waffle House, so take me or leave me based on that fact. Just look at how much fun this happy couple was having. I can’t even imagine an all you can buffett at Waffle House without getting a little aroused in my netheregions. In fact, in case any of you ladies out there have getting married in a church as your deal breaker, I am willing to compromise as long as our reception takes place at a Waffle House.

If a picture is worth 1,000 words, then these two pictures say 2,000 words about true love:

The doting father walking his daughter "down the aisle":

The groom, George "Bubba" Mathis, getting ready to for the big day:

Make sure you take a look at this slideshow.

These two lovebirds got me thinking about a few athletes who might pull this same kind of stunt. We present sports’ "All Red-Neck Team."

Boo Weekley – This is an man who allegedly got knocked out by an orangutan at a county fair. That sort of fantastic behavior lands you front and center on this list.

Wade Boggs – Anyone who loves fried chicken and beer as much as Wade Boggs must be a redneck. By the way, if eating fried chicken and drinking cases of beer on a cross country flight is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Brett Favre - Brett is just a down home boy from Gulfport, MS who wants nothing more than to play football, retire, come back and turn his entire comeback into a circus. In Brett’s defense, it will be a lot more difficult to score painkillers when he doesn’t have a team doctor to write him the scrips, so I can see why he is very hesitant to retire. Too soon? Oh, and if you are angry about that last comment, know that I am a Detroit Lions fans, so no matter how many jokes I make, you will always have the last laugh.

Hillbilly Jim - I think this WWF stars’ name is pretty self explanatory.

John Rocker - Is John a redneck because he is racist? Or is John a racist because he is a redneck? Is he simply a racist and should he be thrown out of the redneck group? I’ll let you decide, but my stereotypical view of a redneck definitely includes a person like Big John.

Don’t worry John, I would be just as angry if I looked anything like you.

Eric "Butterbean" Esch - This guy is from Bay City, MI, so his geography doesn’t automatically qualify him as a redneck, but it comes close. However, there is just something about a big fat guy getting into fights that screams redneck. He also currently resides in Jasper, AL, so he obviously felt the redneck inside of him and moved accordingly.

Rod Beck - In 2003, after undergoing Tommy John surgery the previous year, Rod Beck attempted a comeback with the Chicago Cubs. While he pitched in AAA Iowa, Beck lived in a trailer over the centerfield wall. To make it even more redneckish, Rod handed our beers after games and partied with any fans that were willing to stop by.

Larry Bird – I think "The Hick from French Lick," qualifies for this list.

"Stone Cold" Steve Austin – This guy made a career out of being a redneck, and I love him for it.

and my personal favorite:

Terry Bradshaw – Hollywood Henderson claimed Terry was so dumb that he couldn’t spell cat if you spotted him the "c" and the "t," that sounds pretty redneck to me. He still talks like he has something wrong with him, but I’ll be damned if he doesn’t sing like a canary.

Tonya Harding - Let’s give Tonya a hand for being the only woman on this list. I think that her scheme to knock Nancy Kerrigan’s knee cap off her body and her foray into "celebrity," then regular boxing qualify her as a redneck.

Karl Malone – I am not simply looking at Karl Malone’s affinity for hunting and calling him a redneck. I am looking at his affinity for not talking in complete sentences and calling him a redneck.

"Mr. Perfect" Kurt Hennig – I am not sure Curt Hennig was actually a redneck, but he sure as hell played one on TV. This is a fantastic song by the way.

Jimmy Houston – Anyone who has watched ESPN at around 7 am knows this man. By the way, if anyone out there has a love affair with a large mouth bass, you, like Jimmy, are a redneck.

Richard Petty – I don’t care if this guy spoke in perfect diction with an English accent, that hat makes him a redneck.

And the Godfather himself – John Daly - He is the perennial sports redneck, and he never ceases to impress:

The Angry T

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