Now that the Midsummer Classic has passed, only Michael Phelps’ bitch-slapping of the Summer Games stands between us and the glory that is college football.
You can’t pass a magazine rack without seeing dozens of college football preview issues and while Lindy’s, Street & Smith’s, Phil Steele and Athlon may focus on preseason Top 25 rankings and Heisman Watch Lists, we here at the Angry T offer a more original analysis.
These analyses will be released by conference, starting with everyone’s favorite whipping boy, the Big Ten.
The All-SPF 40 Team
This special honor is reserved for players that throw caution to the wind and brave the sweltering conditions of summer. There were plenty of pasty Midwesterners to choose from, but the complexion on these boys was the creamiest of the crop:
In order from L-R: Ben Chappell (Indiana), Joe Bauserman (Ohio State), Kevin Watt (Northwestern), Ryan Orton (Minnesota)
The All-Academic Team
All kidding aside, two of these young men put the “student” in student-athlete, and deserve a spot on this team. The other? Well, he was chosen because he looks like he’s good at multiprication and wong division.
L-R: John Henry Pace (Northwestern), Eric Vandenheuval (Wisconsin) and Jon Majalap Thoma (Ohio State)
The All-Greek Team
While the Angry T does not have anything against fraternities, the following players reminded us all of the stereotypical frat boy that we all have known and love to hate. An important side note: Matt Mayberry, in an effort to let everyone know how jacked he is, pushed his sleeves up for his headshot. Douchebaggery at its finest.
L-R: Matt Mayberry (Indiana), Andrew Brewer (Northwestern), Collin Taylor (Indiana), Jeff Tarpinian (Iowa)
The All-Pencil Neck Team
If the following players walked into class wearing a team issue football hoody, you would most certainly ask him if his roommate is the starting QB. When he claimed to actually be a member of the team, you would beat him unconscious and steal the hoody for his insolence.
L-R: Zach Opsal (Wisconsin), Chris Summers (Purdue), Teddy Schell (Indiana)
The All-Badass Team
Unlike the previous three dweebs, you would never attempt to steal anything from, raise a hand to or even glance at these bad-looking dudes. Unless, of course, you want this (or this) to happen to you.
L-R: Jeff Cumberland (Illinois), Corbin Bryant (Northwestern), Darius Johnson (Indiana)
Reggie Cleveland All-Stars
If you read the Sports Guy, you’ve probably seen a mention of the Reggie Cleveland All-Stars. If not, here’s a crash course. Here’s the Big Ten’s contribution to the ever-growing list:
L-R: Colin Neely (Northwestern), Joe Whitest (Purdue), Michael Ramirez (Michigan), Vince Browne (Northwestern)
Look-Alikes
Xavier Fulton (Illinois) and Michael Vick
Preston Numa (Purdue) and Rev Run
Chris Colasanti (Penn State) and Robert DeNiro
Odds and Ends
Player with the Most Famous TV Dad: Joel Belding (Northwestern)
Player Most Likely to Not Live Up to His Name: Michael Jordan (Michigan State)
Just a goofy picture that I couldn’t figure out how to work in here: Scott Lilja (Northwestern)
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I appreciate the stab at humor, but some of this stuff is border-line harrassing. Just not very funny. Nice try though…reads like somebody has an inferiority complex.
especially the anti-asian comments…what’s up with that? Seriously man, you don’t have to be a d*ck to make a funny point. But that’s cool…freedom of speech makes it easier for us to expose the creepers.
Oh my Joel Belding (the one with the famous father) his middle name is Richard. Joel “Richard” Belding. I can imagine the jokes he got growing up when people found out his middle name…Wonder if he walks in the locker room and says…”hey hey hey what is goin on in here!?!?”
A wanderer who is determined to reach his destination does not fear the rain.
http://www.laizjj.cn/
sparTAN’s pic should be placed on the all-academic team! Frickin NERD!!! Shutup and laugh a little bit. You are probably sitting at your computer with your top button buttoned up and your pocket protector wishing you had a spec of athletic ability. You are not COOL and no one CARES what you think. Again, shut the —- up…
Funny Snyper, i’d like to know what sports you played. Let’s see, I played D-III football for one year, and D-II club sports for the other three (after a transfer). But hey, let’s just make comments about people we don’t know and laugh our asses off!
The worst part, Angry T isn’t even that funny! Try reading The Onion or learning something about sarcasm or observational humor instead of calling everybody a “douchebag” (very original) or talking about “wong division”. Some of this page is pretty funny, but some of it is just dumb and offensive.
And yes, I actually did qualify fan all-academic team; at least I have a college degree. What clown college did you finish up at?
Go back to playing Call of Duty or Halo, Snyper; i’m sure they really appreciate your racist views there. Anyways, I got to get back to work now…out.