2008 SEC Football Preview – Angry T Style

By The Angry T’s latest and greatest writing addition, Nasty Nate

It’s Friday, football fans, which means it’s time for The AngryT’s newest installment of college football conference previews.  In the spotlight this week: the best conference in the history of Western civilization, the SEC.

In case you missed last week’s Big Ten rundown, here’s what we’re going for.

The All-SPF 40 Team
This special honor is reserved for players that throw caution to the wind and brave the sweltering conditions of summer.  Compared to the Big Ten, there were slim pickings, but The AngryT managed to spook these walking q-tips from underneath their beach umbrellas and oversized sun hats.

From L-R: Colin Gallagher (‘Bama), Kyle Prater (LSU), Tim Masthay (UK), Ben Meadows (Ole Miss)
Bottom Row: Heath Thomas (Alabama)

The All-Pencil Neck Team
Who would have thought that the mighty SEC would have more puny football players that you could beat up than the Big Ten?  Wait, I got it!  Because SEC players are so fast!  It’s easier to be fast when you’re not a bulky, lead-footed Ohioan.  The highlight of this group:  Paul Scioneaux’s emo bangs.

First Row: Justin Sparks (Ole Miss), Robert Ezell (‘Bama), Corey Smith (‘Bama)
Second Row: Paul Scioneaux (LSU), Adam McClure (LSU)

The Greg Oden All-Stars
In honor of America’s favorite 20-year-old great grandfather, these boys men are recognized for looking remarkably older than their teammates.

L-R: Seth Oxner (Arkansas), Chris Johnson (Vandy), Darius Myers (Tennessee), Demiko Goodman (UGA)

The Derek Zoolander All-Star Team – The camera loves these gentlemen, and they love the camera.  A male pig tail here, a little fauzhawk there, and maybe just a little Blue Steel set these young men apart from the rest. Look at the Marcus Washington’s enchanting eyes. I would buy anything he was selling, because if I didn’t,  he would burn a hole in the center of my forehead.

L-R: Dorian Munroe (Florida), Omar Love (Ole Miss), Marcus Washington (Miss. St.)
Bottom Row: Brandon Lafell

Reggie Cleveland All-Stars
I will always give credit where credit is due, and the man responsible for this spectacular group is Bill Simmons.  The players whose ethnicity does not seem to match their names are:

L-R: Travis McCall (‘Bama), Gabe McKenzie (Auburn), Chip Gregory (Arkansas)

Worst Team Haircut
I have no clue why Nick Saban is making every white kid on the team get this stupid hair cut. 

L-R: Patrick Crump (Alabama), Brad Pounds (Alabama), Sam Burnthall, Spencer Whitfield (Alabama),
Bottom Row: Thomas Darrah (Alabama), Robert Ezell (Alabama)

The Reverse Brock Lesnar All-Stars
These are players that, by appearance, would seem to be a better fit in the WWE than in college football.  One exception: Kentucky’s Brad Hart.  He doesn’t really look like a wrestler, but with that last name, he was born to apply the sharpshooter.  

First Row:  Herman “The Abominable Fro-Man” Johnson (LSU), Colby “Arsenal” Arseneaux (Ole Miss), Chris “The Big Homeless” Bowers (Ole Miss)
Second Row: Ben “Pretty Boy” Bates (UK), Brad Hart (UK), John “Irish Car Bomb” Durmon (Arkansas), Ryan “Psycho” Hill (UT)

Most Likely to Form a Boy Band: Dicky Lyons, Jr. (UK) and Tyler Sexton (UK)

Not only do these fellas play for the same team and look the part, the possibility of turning on the radio one day and hearing the newest Dick Sex single gets me out of bed in the morning.

Lookalikes

Chancey Aghayere (LSU) and Bobby Brown

Taylor Pharr (‘Bama) and Chucky

Soundalikes

John Conner (UK) and John Connor (Terminator 2)

Chris Griffin (Vandy) and Chris Griffin (Family Guy)

Anthony Littlejohn (MSU) and Lil Jon

Best Potential Nickname: Tim “How Should I” Fugger (Vandy)

Best Name for a Son of a Former NFL Player: T-Bob Hebert (LSU), son of Bobby Hebert

Most Likely to Hold a Grudge Against his Parents: Richard Dickson (LSU)

That does it for the SEC.  Please come back next Friday for our newest installment.  Arkansas safety Evan Bettis is excited already.

Nasty Nate

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