Little League World Series Toys with Instant Replay, Other Rule Changes

The forward thinking cats at the Little League World Series are refusing to wait for a bad call to ruin their championship game. They will institute instant replay at this year’s World Series to “overturn an obvious wrong.” Language like that begs the question, if the wrong is so obvious, why would it be called in the first place. Is every one of the Little Leagues umps Don Denkinger’s second cousin. Zinnnnng! Too soon?

Tournament organizers didn’t stop with the instant replay rule, oh no, they decided that although the Series is great, it can be a lot better with these rules in place. The Angry T’s investigative staff uncovered these rules and we displayed them below, with our own comments.

10. No Crying - I am sorry that you lost little guy. I really am. But don’t you dare go Adam Morrison and embarrass yourself. Do those guys below look cool? Well those sunglasses are pretty boss, but the man under them is not cool, mostly because he is crying. Don’t forget, your friends are watching and they will make fun of you when you get back to school.

9. No Fans may attend the Games and No Television Accounts of the Games are to be Disseminated in Any Form – The Little League World Series decided to implement this rule so it will be impossible for any parent to live vicariously through their children. Each child will be sworn to secrecy about their performance or the performance of their team. Sorry dad, your dead-end job and intermittent missionary sex with your wife will have to be enough to keep you from idling the station wagon in the garage for three hours with you in the front seat.

8. All Fights Between Parents must be “To the Death” – If parents are willing to get into fights in the stands over a 12 year old’s baseball game, then they better be prepared to take it to the ultimate level at this year’s World Series. Organizers believe this may discourage parents from starting petty arguments over a child’s baseball game. Conversely, I think this will increase the incidents of second degree murder that take place in Williamsport, PA.

7. No Chinese Taipei Allowed - I am sorry Chinese Taipei, you are too good.  Is that what you wanted to hear all these years? You won 17 Little League Baseball World Series titles from 1969 though 1996. Go back to your own country and beat up on the Heilongjaing province (oh thats a real province) because we are tired of getting our ass kicked by you.

6. More Alcohol Sales, i.e. Open Bar Dude- This rule may seem to run counter to the rule about fighting parents above. However, while the Little League World Series hopes to cut down on fighting parents, they also appreciate, and laugh at, drunks trying to fight each other. It could be an in between inning feature, or something to shoot to when Musberger waxes poetically about his favorite ice cream parlor in the Williamsport area.

5. All Countries involved must have signed the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty - Sorry Saudi Arabia, I am not buying that the kid below was naturally 6′8″ and 256 pounds at 12 years old. I have seen what they do to vegetables these days. (and cows…and rabbits) Let me guess, you saw the first episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, saw what you thought was a good idea, and then gave this kid and his family a mansion right in the middle of a nuclear testing range.

4. Move the Bases and the Mound In – 60 feet and 45 feet respectively is not close enough. Sure the pitcher is 6′4″ and sure the bats are made out of the same stuff NASA uses to power the space shuttle, but thats no reason for tournament organizers to move the bases or the mound to reasonable distances. In fact, lets move them in a couple feet each game until the fielders have about .005 seconds to react and the pitcher’s perceived velocity from 30 feet is around 140 mph.

3. Every Team gets one Wild-Card - Remember that Danny Almonte character? Was he over 12 years old? Sure. Was he entertaining nonetheless? Of course. Do they still put his old ass on Sportscenter every once in a while to show us that he was in high school or that he got married or that he applied for Social Security? Yes.

The purpose of the Wild-Card is so that a team can attempt to forge a birth certificate or grab a kid from Haiti that never had a birth certificate in the first place. Only the team knows who their wild-card is, but I can give tournament organizers a head start by advising them to look at the kid with a mustache and lip full  of Copenhagen first, and then check the 4′10″ pre-pubescent 5th grader with a Jonas Brothers tote-bag.

2. More Curveballs - Even the kids who aren’t in the game must be throwing curve balls on the side at all times. Let’s bring their tiny baby tendons to the brink of a tear. Who said a twelve year old shouldn’t be throwing four different breaking pitches? Little Johnny needs to know who to throw a slurve before he gets to middle school or he’s going to be hit all over the yard.

1. Lloyd McClendon must Participate in every Little League World Series – Have you seen this guy’s stats from the 71′ Series. Here is an excerpt from this article detailing his exploits:

As a 6-foot twelve-year-old, Lloyd McClendon hit five home runs (in five official at-bats) over three games in the ‘71 series, a record that stood until 1996 (Record broken by J. Christ (Isreal)). He was intentionally walked in his other five plate appearances. In the championship, he gave up only three runs in eight innings against a team from Chinese Taipei, but Anderson Little League ended up losing 12-3 when Taiwan Little League scored nine runs in the top of the ninth inning. Earlier in the week, he pitched a three-hit shutout against Lexington, Ky.

If you think having a 49 year old Lloyd McClendon in the Little League World Series wouldn’t make it more interesting, you’re nuts.

The Angry T

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