This past month the greatest football rivalry in the country started a few months early as both Michigan tailback Kevin Grady and Ohio State’s Doug Worthington have recently wagered in a unfriendly game of one-upmanship as they were both arrested for DUI this month.  The Michigan-Ohio State rivalry does not just happen on the football field as to see who is better, it is constantly debated in several different stages.  For instance it is a fact that Ohio State is better then Michigan at drinking motor oil, wearing overalls, and incest.  Meanwhile Michigan has a clear advantage over Ohio State in reading, holding a steady job, and not drinking motor oil.  However neither side has been able to tell who was better at getting arrested for a DUI until now.  Let’s take a look at both stories.

The Kevin Grady Story: Where a picture is worth two words: not guilty

Grady, who missed all of last year with a knee injury, is most known for backing up Mike Hart for two years and refusing to show any ability to make a defender miss.  He was pulled over weeks ago in his 2007 GMC YUKON DENALI, which is what everyone in college is driving around in, right?  Michigan’s legal limit is .08, but Grady really wanted to impress his new coach Rich Rodriguez so he blew a .28, which on the drunk scale is above fucked up and just below retarded. 

Grady was hauled into the police station where he posed for his mugshot:

Now we don’t know for sure that he was so drunk, but from this picture we know that he could barely open his eyes and he appeared cross-eyed.  Perhaps his eyelids were heavy because the Kent County Jail staff was keeping him up past his bedtime.  Or maybe they were making him look at one of those 3-D pictures where you have to cross your eyes to see the unicorn.

When he awoke the next morning, the judge found Grady “unable to render intelligent or knowing acknowledgment of the charges.”  However everyone knows that Grady doesn’t get his mind working until he has had two bowls of frosted flakes, and the jail only had fruit loops.
Despite all of this, when Grady was arraigned on July 9th he pleaded NOT GUILTY!  Is this a great country or what?  I guy who blows 3 times the legal limit, looks like he has down syndrome in his mug shot and is too drunk to acknowledge what the judge is saying the next morning still decides to claim his innocence.  I know he’s trying to buy some time and also plead out before his August 14th trial date, but he’s also setting the bar quite high in terms of DUI stupidity.  Can Ohio State beat that?

The Doug Worthington Story: Practice doesn’t start at 3:13 AM

The 20-year-old Buckeye DT takes a quick lead over Grady because he is only 20, making his DUI even more impressive.  Surprisingly the legal limit is the same in Ohio at .08 and Worthington inched by at .095.  Doug also thought it would be good publicity to be arrested right outside Ohio Stadium. After he failed a sobriety test which consisted of walking a straight line and he explained why his license plate reads BLESD84 (he choose it over SUPARSTER84 and SAKMASTIR84).

 Speaking of his vehicle, there was an interesting debate recently as to wheter the Columbus Dispatch should have mentioned in their article that Worthington was boozing around in a 2004 Cadillac Escalade (they didn’t).  But why would they?  The Columbus Police Department didn’t acknowledge the car either.  The police report mentioned that Worthington drove a “White Cadillac station wagon.”  But when real reporters checked the VIN number they found it registered as an Escalade.  Here are a few other car descriptions The Columbus Police have cited for tickets:

“FUEL EFFICIENT BLUE CAR”

“GETS YOU FROM POINT A TO B……ALSO RED”

“MOM-MOBILE”

Worthington matched Kevin Grady’s gusto by also pleading not guilty, and perhaps did one better by having his attorney file the not-guilty plea for him.  He is scheduled for court as well, where he will put up a defense that will more then likely place 3rd string punter Tyson Gentry at the scene and behind the wheel.

Congratulations to both outstanding programs who have shown their dedication to stringing along the justice process and also placing both players under suspension (Grady has already been suspended, while Worthington may be, the last OSU first time DUI offender was not, everyone deserves at least one free DUI right?) for cupcake early season games (that comment was for Ohio State only because we all know what Michigan is capable of against shitty teams).  Let’s applaud both fine athletes for showing that despite this rivalry, we can find common ground in driving a vehicle 20 miles over the speed limit and almost killing themselves and others. 

Violent J

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