Jay Buhner is a badass… and quite the hair stylist

It seems like every time I head to the ol barbershop they always mess up my haircut.  For instance, just last week I went in and said to the barber “hey, gimme the Jay Buhner” only to have the idiot give me a standard buzz cut instead.  The Everett Aqua Sox of the Northwest League must have gotten similar complaints because today they are giving out free “Buhner Buzz Cuts” by none other then Jay Buhner himself.  This was an old promotion in Seattle when he played there in the 90’s (although I don’t think he actually shaved the people’s heads then) and if you think you’re too old or that a “Buhner Buzz” might not be the best look for you then apparently you know nothing about hair styles as this picture suggests:

Everyone looks good with a Buhner Buzz!  That woman used to look old and masculine before Jay Buhner got his clippers on her, now she is as youthful and stunning as Bea Arthur or Aretha Franklin:

Did you expect anything less from a 300 Homerun hitter?  Talk about a promotion that will get people to the ballpark.  Were not talking about some lame bobble head promotion or some theme night that you can get at any minor league stadium.  This is a chance to actually meet one of the most recognizable faces in Seattle Mariner history and then have him use his personal machete and turtle wax to give you the authentic look.  If other minor league programs would go this route just think of the possibilities.  For example…

The Sacramento River Cats present “Look like Matt Murton Day”

What better way to welcome newly acquired Sacramento outfielder Matt Murton (See: .186 MLB batting average) then to have everyone in the stadium looking as fiery and ginger as him.  My only concern is that Matt Murton could possibly switch the easy to wash out hair dye with permanent bright orange dye so that he will never feel alone in this world again.

The Fort Myers Miracle present “Jack Morris Lady Tickler Night”

This promotion could work two ways.  You could either have Jack Morris teach people with mustaches how to properly maintain them or better yet, you can have Jack Morris shave off portions of his own mustache and then glue it onto the fans upper lip.  As long as there are under 30,000 fans he should have enough stache to go around.  Jack is also scheduled to pitch 9 innings and throw 225 pitches and then call every Major League pitcher a pussy.

The Memphis Redbirds present “Willie McGee Ugly Stick Day”

Instead of the standard bat give-away, baseball fans will have the opportunity to be hit in the face with a bag of quarters by Willie McGee until you are as ugly as he is.  Five lucky fans will get a chance to run their face into McGee’s fist until the job is done.

The Richmond Braves present “Otis Nixon Aging Night”

Pretty simple setup on this one.  You simply sit in a room with Otis Nixon smoking cigarettes and drinking pots of coffee until you look twenty years older then you actually are.

The Toledo Mudhens present “Look like Mickey Tettleton Night (sponsored by Redman)

I remember thinking that Tettleton was just pressing his tongue against his cheek growing up.  I can now share that story with Mickey as he shoves half a pack of chewing tobacco into my mouth and tells me filthy stories of the women Rob Deer would bang.

-Violent J

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