Big XII Football Preview – Angry T Style

Until 2007, we all knew what to expect from Big 12 football. Texas and Oklahoma would be dominant. Texas Tech would score 56 points against Baylor, but only 14 versus anyone with a winning record. Nebraska fans would continue to have unreasonably high expectations. Like clockwork, Colorado would sexually abuse females, disparage them for their inferior kicking abilities and win six games. And almost surely, Texahoma would beat the post-Michael Bishop-Era North Division representative by at least three touchdowns for the conference title.

Then last year came along, and the short quarterback with a fat coach and the short quarterback with a fat self rallied Kansas and Missouri to national prominence in the Big 12 North. You may have heard about a certain press conference involving Mike Gundy as well. Texahoma racked up double-digit wins. Overall, ’07 was a big year for the Big 12.

What can you expect in 2008?

Well…

The All-SPF 40 Team

This special honor is reserved for pasty players that throw caution to the wind and brave the sweltering conditions of summer. With all the farming done in the Midwest, one might assume that these gentlemen would have golden complexions. At one point in time, this may have been a fair assumption, but nowadays we hire illegal aliens to do our manual labor.

First Row L-R: Ryan Miller (Colorado), BJ Beatty (Colorado), John Levorson (Nebraska)

Second Row: KC Hyland (Nebraska), Micah Kreikemeier (Nebraska)

The All-Pencil Neck Team

And now to the other mainstay of the AngryT’s preseason previews, The All-Pencil Neck Team. If a picture says a thousand words, then these snapshots are probably saying, “Cut it ouuuutttttttt! Those nose drops are medicated!” or “I’ll just imagine that this Mike linebacker is a rogue blood elf and this crackback block is a warrior orc’s berserker rage!”

First Row: Adam Schneberger (OU), Alex Metskas (Colorado), Austin Bisnow (Colorado)

Second Row: Levi Gage (Texas), Trevor Walker (Texas)

All Derek-Zoolander Team

These student athletes bring high-fashion to college football with their trendy hairstyles, liberal use of gel, faux-hawks, three-piece suits, voluptuous mustaches and fantastic use of an eyebrow.

L-R: (Front Row) Britton Barbee (Texas Tech), Van Alexander (Missouri) Ryan Roberts (Baylor),

(Bottom Row) Dominique Criss (Baylor), Bryan Madden (Texas) Ter’ran Benton (Iowa State)

The Brock Lesnar All-Stars

Note to Vince McMahon: If you’re looking for the next WWE superstar, start with the Big 12. There’s just an immense amount of potential here.

First Row: Matt “Thunder” Clapp (OU), Bryan “Lightning” Swindoll (Baylor), Jon “Milk Money” Gissinger (Missouri), Kurtis “The Ax Murderer” Gregory (Missouri)

Second Row: The Polynesian Panic, from L-R: Quentin Toailoa (Nebraska), Alesana Alesana (KSU), Hansen Sekona (KSU), Nate Vaiomounga (Colorado)

The Harold “Baby Jordan” Miner All-Worst Nicknames Team

The sports information staff of the Texas Longhorns was kind enough to include nicknames in the player bios. Below are the best of the worst. Apparently, someone forgot to tell Keenan that a nickname shouldn’t be so lengthy it needs an abridged version.

- Mac “Macaroni and Cheese” McWhorter

- Keenan “Determination Mental Toughness” or “DMT” Robinson

- Charlie “Tanner Tots” Tanner

Mike Gundy Player of the Year

While Nebraska’s Derek Meyer may not be a kid, he does everything right. Most importantly, HE IS A MAN! HE’S FORTY!

For those of you who have been racking your brain for years to name your phallic pasta dish, meet K-State’s Penisini Liu. Simply further proof that if you take one part reproductive organ, one part Chef Boyardee and one part Mortal Kombat, you have name magic.

Very few men can live up to the slicked back goodness of Steve Lavin. Missouri’s Adam Casey is willing to try.

Colorado’s David Goldberg looks a little cocky. But hey, if my uncle was once the world’s foremost fake-beater-up of bitch-tittied ‘roiders, I’d fancy myself a badass too.

We always knew Brad Taylor was the Toolman’s most athletic son. But something looks a bit off…oh, I know! Randy shaved Al’s beard and pasted it on Brad’s face! Oh man! I can’t wait to see how Randy tries to smart-mouth his way out of this one.

Alex Trebek > Alex Hrebec.

Nasty Nate

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