The Redeem Team Doesn’t Excite Me, The Nightmare Team Does

The United States Olympics basketball team, lovingly known as the “Redeem Team,” will begin their run at the gold medal in the elimination rounds against Australia tomorrow. They will attempt to restore the image of the once proud American international basketball program by sweeping through the medal rounds, securing America’s spot at the top of the medal podium. But do you really care? What if America loses? Would you quit watching the NBA or college basketball if they were to lose? Would you stop believing that the NBA is still the best brand of professional basketball in the world?

That’s why I simply don’t care if they win. That is also why I have decided to steal Jerry Colangelo’s job and create a team of my own. This team is made up of former American World Championship or Olympic participants (Since 1992) and this team is also god-awful. This team of NBA “Stars” might not win a single game in pool play. They are certain to embarrass their country. This would be a perfect way to show the rest of the world that not only do we have the best pro league in the world, but we also really don’t care to play in, or attempt to win their tournaments.

And now…The Anti-Dream Team or the slightly more poetic “Nightmare Team.”

PG – Stephon Marbury (2004 Olympics) - This guy’s game just screams international ball. He was very nearly kicked off the team by Larry Brown and his teammates.

SG – Allan Houston (2000 Olympics Games) – The more former New York Knicks you throw on one team, the more unsuccesful that team becomes.

SF – Shane Battier (2006 World Championships) – Who say you need to score in international play? If we would just play the Phil Ford brand of the Four Corners which I have been suggesting for years, we would win every game 11-8.

PF – Antonio Davis (2002 World Championships) – The more glue guys this team has, the better.

(No pictures were taken of Antonio Davis in the 2002 World Championships…out of shame)

C – Raef Lafrentz (2002 World Championships) – This team was lucky to finish 6th in the World Championships with this absolute stiff on the roster. Was Todd McCullough on vacation?

The Bench:

PG – Jay Williams (2002 World Championships) - This team will need a little flash off the bench when they’re down 40 coming out after half-time and who better to provide that still-rehabilitating Jay. Maybe he can ride a motorcycle out of the locker room…just a thought.

SG – Michael Finley(2002 World Championships) - The floor is officially stretched as soon as Michael checks in at the scorer’s table.

SF – Shareef Abdur-Rahim (2000 Olympics) – One word, nine letters: Versatile.

PF – Vin Baker (2000 Olympics) – The perfect international player can score inside and outside AND drink a glass of red wine in between quarters. Check, check and check for Vin.

C – Ben Wallace (2002 World Championships) – If there has ever been a player whose game transfers perfectly to the international game, its Big Ben.

PG – Kirk Hinrich (2006 World Championships) – He can get used to being on the bench with this team because Derrick Rose will be stealing all his minutes in Chicago this year.

Take that FIBA, you can have your gold medals and your World Championships, we’ll take Carlos Delfino, Gordon Giricek, Janerro Pargo, Primo Brezec, Josh Childress and Loren Woods…oh, you have them too…damn.

The Angry T

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