US Softball Loses to Japan, What’s Next for Jennie Finch

When it comes to American superiority, Women’s Softball ranks right up there between child obesity and country music. So when I found out that our ladies lost in the Olympic gold medal game 3-1 to Japan, I burned all of my USA Softball visors and t-shirts. This was the end of softball at the Olympics, and quite possibly, the end to softball having any real coverage in America. So as we say goodbye to the ladies of the miniture baseball field, we face a scary realization: Where will we get our Jennie Finch fix?

Finch was not part of the loss to the Japan, as America decided to use pitchers like Monica Abbot in an attempt to terrify the Japanese with her pigtails. The Japanese, quite accomstomed to ugliness, were not impressed and their 3 runs against Abbot and Cat Osterman showcased that. So now Finch is left, in the prime of her hotness, without a means of showcasing her ability. Are we supposed to just let her ride off into the sunset? My bottle of Jergens and I say no. But what is she supposed to do now? Here are 5 different options Jennie Finch should consider in her post-softball career.

5. Rival Erin Andrews by becoming the next sideline reporter to get felt up by Bruce Pearl:

Careful Jennie, Erin will use that hair spray on her rivals if necessary. She was trained by Mr. Fuji.

4. A reality TV show was husband and minor league pitcher Casey Daigle entitled: AAA Baseball Wife: Featuring Jennie Fitch.

Here are working titles of three of the episodes in the first season:

"Are we staying at the Ramada Again?"

"3 earned runs in 3 1/3 innings? Looks like we’re shopping at Big Lots this month."

"Do you understand the rich foreign diack that was throwing themselves at me in Beijing?"

3. Join Major League Baseball

According to this article, Finch can strike out major leaguers:

You’ve faced some impressive MLB players. You struck out Mike Piazza and Albert Pujols, and only Scott Spiezio made contact.

The only major leaguer that even has a chance against her is Scott Spiezio and that because she is blinded by that douchebag looking red soul patch.

Could she possibly we worse than half the 140 million dollar Detroit Tigers pitching? (Nate Robertson, Dontrelle Willis, Casey Fossum, Kyle Farnsworth)

2. Start a traveling four person softball team named "The Queen and Her Court."

This Eddie Feigner character was pretty solid, but Finch can do much better with her combination of looks, picthing ability, and looks.

If she teams up with that hot Parguian Javelin thrower, Alicia Sacramone, and John Kruk for power in the middle of the lineup, we have ourselves a marketable barnstorming softball team. And seeing as how it’s still 1953, barnstorming teams are all the rage.

1. Form a WWE tag team with Amanda Beard. Before you dismiss this idea, I have already thought of 2 potential nicknames: "The Pitch and The Bitch" or "The Bushwhackers"(Think about it…but not too hard)

(By the way, can you belive that Amanda Beard doesn’t want to get physical with Michael Phelps? This bitch has communist written all over her)

Cerebral Assasin

Popularity: 1% [?]