Ocho Cinco, You are Not the Trendsetter You Think You Are

What began as rumor and speculation a couple weeks ago has finally become a reality, a fantastically ridiculous reality.  Chad Johnson has officially changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco. I can’t even begin to describe how happy I am that Chad changed his name to “eight five” (when translated) and not his actual number, 85, which every young Spanish boy and every ninth grader knows translates to ochenta y cinco.

In any event, we shouldn’t be absolutely shocked that Chad made this leap as he is not the first athlete to change his surname.  Let’s take a look some other notable sports name changes and the reasons behind them.

For God:

Chris Jackson became Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf – He would later refuse to stand for the national anthem because he believed it to be against his religion.  Who knew that some members of the Muslim faith don’t agree with the actions of the United States?

Olivier St. Jean becomes Tariq Abdul Wahad – After Olivier left the University of Michigan basketball program he attended, and starred at, San Jose State University.  I always wondered what happened to him after college because he had led the nation in scoring his senior year and presumably dropped off the face of the earth directly after.  In fact, he hadn’t gone anywhere, and he was hiding right in front of my eyes as Tariq Abdul Wahad.  Religion notwithstanding, I support this name change because his new name sounds much less pussy-like then his original.

Lew Alcindor becomes Kareem Abdul Jabbar – He was an ass kicker regardless of name.  He could have been named Weinerface von Slapnuts and he would still have averaged 28 a game.

(John Wooden looks 102 in this picture, which was taken 37 years ago)

Cassius Clay become Muhammed Ali – See above, but replace “Weinerface von Slapnuts” with Pusslips McNutsonChin, and replace “averaged 28 a game,” kicked people’s asses.

Sharmon Shah becomes Kareem Abdul Jabbar – The older Kareem didn’t take too kindly to the younger Kareem taking his name, even though Kareem Jr. didn’t exactly take it.

For Himself:
Lloyd Free becomes World B. Free – The average pot smoker would be comatose if they attempted to smoke the amount of weed Lloyd did four minutes before he decided to change his name and 15 minutes before he pulled into the parking lot of the Secretary of State.

(Great music for this video)

For Fame:

Rod Smart becomes He Hate Me – I have to give this guy credit for extending his 15 minutes of XFL fame into a short stint with the Carolina Panthers.   I think most white people had no clue what that name meant,  including this writer, but like FUBU O5, we just thought it looked really cool on the back of a jersey.

Florida fans will be seeing a significant amount of the He Hate Me family this season with Rod’s brother, Chris Rainey, starring at wide out.

(one minute mark)

For Native Americans:

Brian Williams changes his name to Bison Dele (RIP) – Brian changed his name to honor both his Cherokee heritage and the first slave on his mother’s side. Then he quit the NBA at age 30 and mysteriously disappeared, and was presumed dead, while sailing his boat off the coast of Tahiti. If that isn’t bizarre enough, the man who most likely killed Bison was his brother, formerly Kevin Williams, who changed his name to Miles Dabord. The name change was probably the least weird thing about this guy’s life.

For the Hardcore Title:

Cactus Jack becomes Mankind becomes Dude Love become Mick Foley – He may have been schzophrenic, or he may has just loved to change his name and then dive on a bed of tacks from the top of a steel cage. “My gawd King, Mankind may be seriously injured.” God live love JR.

For Herpes:

Michael Vick becomes Ron Mexico for one evening and then Tonya for 18 months – Everyone knows how Ron Mexico gets down.  We can only speculate, based on Oz reruns, how Tonya gets down.

The Angry T

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