We have nearly hit the quarter poll of the NFL season and at least a few things have become clear already. Certainly, Detroit Lions fans and “Black Hole” regulars know exactly what that sentence means. Let’s take a look at the state of the NFL at this point and to spice it up a bit let’s match the words of timeless song to the NFL team’s performance thus far:
NFC North
Detroit Lions 0-3- Hate how much I love You – Rihanna feat. Ne-Yo - This song perfectly expresses my feelings for this horrid abomination of a franchise.
Minnesota Vikings 1-2- Can’t Believe It – T-Pain feat. Lil. Wayne - Just like the legions of Vikings fans out there, I just can’t believe that Tavaris Jackson and his 50.8% completion percentage and 64.8 QB rating didn’t pan out as a starting QB.
Green Bay Packers 2-1- Since You’ve been Gone – Kelly Clarkson – Aaron Rodgers can breathe for the first time and the Packers will still win this division going away.
Chicago Bears 1-2- Hot N Cold – Katy Perry - They are 1-2 currently, but its fairly possible, with Gus Ferotte at the helm in Minnesota, that Chicago could finish 2nd in this division and with a winning record. That being said, you can expect some inconsistent performances along the way from Kyle Orton.
NFL East
Washington Redskins 2-1- Hard Knock Life – Doctor Evil feat. Mini Me – It just isn’t fair being Washington Redskins fan. They have their best team in 10 years and happen to play in a division with two better teams and the reigning Super Bowl champ. Here’s hoping for the wildcard.
Dallas Cowboys 3-0- Swagga Like Us – T.I. feat. Kanye, Jay Z. and Weezy – They’ve got the swagger, but will that help them win a playoff game?
Philadelpia Eagles 2-1- Hurt – Johnny Cash - Donovan and company better hope this Brian Westbrook injury doesn’t linger. If they get lucky and the injury is minor and Donovan finds a way to stay on the field, these guys could be dangerous.
NY Giants 3-0- Boy Meets World – Cory Matthews – The boy, Eli Manning, has met the world, and he looks damn good. It’s is hard to say that any Superbowl run could be a fluke, but I think even New York fans were skeptical that Eli could carry the confidence that he showed in the playoff run into this season and beyond.
NFC South
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – 2-1 -Old Man River – Paul Robeson - (See starting QB candidates Brian Griese and Jeff Garcia…they do keep on rolling though don’t they?)
Carolina Panthers – 2-1 – Momma Said Knock You Out – LL Cool J - Ask Ken Lucas how this song applies to the Panthers. With a healthy, less angry Steve Smith back in the lineup, they have a puncher’s chance of taking this division.
Atlanta Falcons 2-1 – Don’t Look Back in Anger – Oasis - Don’t look back in anger when this team finishes 5-11. Wins over Detroit and Kansas City doesn’t get me as excited as you might expect. No worries, it’s only year one of the Matt Ryan experience.
New Orleans Saints 1-2 – Sexy Can I – Ray J ft.Yung Berg - Can they make the playoffs? That was the only reason I chose this song. It had had nothing to do with potential sex tape implications between this song’s artist and the Saints’ star player’s girlfriend.
NFC West
Arizona 2-1 – Ain’t as Good as I Once Was – Toby Keith – Neither Edge nor Kurt Warner are in their prime, but combine the vets with a young defense and two stud receivers and they could take this decision.
San Francisco 2-1 -Beast of Burden – Rolling Stones – I don’t care how good J.T. O’Sullivan looks right now, this team goes nowhere without Frank Gore. Either that, or Bryant Johnson becomes the new Torry Holt and Isaac Bruce becomes the new Isaac Bruce.
Seattle 1-2 – Wouldn’t get Far – The Game - Even if they had their receivers healthy, I don’t see this team making the same playoff run they have in recent years.
St. Louis 0-3 – Straight to the Bank – 50 Cent - Steven Jackson went straight to the bank with 44 mil. over six. He is now laughing exactly like 50 cent does in this song.
AFC East
Buffalo 3-0 – Bump and Grind – R. Kelly - If this team is going to win this division, they have to continue to play the physical football on both sides of the ball that’s got them three wins thus far. There are also going to have to grind out victories like they did on Sunday against Oakland if they want to steal this division from traditional powerhouses like Miami and the Jets.
New England Patriots 2-1- Torn – Natalie Imbruglia - As in knee ligaments, or there chances of winning anything this season.
Miami 1-2 – Fishing in the Dark – Nitty Gritty Dirty Band - Aside from the inevitable 6-10 record that will make it seem like Miami was choosing personnel in the dark, “The Tuna” is currently their GM. (Get it?)
NY Jets 1-2 – Superstar – Lupe Fiasco - “If he is who he says is, a superstar, then have no fear, Brett Favre is here.” Allegedly.
AFC North
Baltimore Ravens 2-0- Kick Push – Lupe Fiasco – If the Ravens are going to win 8 games this year they are going to have to Kick (field goals) and Push (the other team around on defense) because their Joe Flacco led offense probably isn’t going light up the scoreboard.
Pittsburgh Steelers 2-1- Here We Go - They better get it going this year, because it may be their best chance to win for the next few years with Brady out and Peyton looking confused through three games.
Cleveland Browns 3-0 – Send me an Angel – Real Life- The women of Cleveland know exactly the “Angel” to which I am referring. Embrace him or him.
Cincinnatti Bengals 0-3 – Coldplay – Fix You – Someone has to fix this train wreck. Your guess is as good as mine as to how to do it.
AFC South
Tennessee Titans 3-0 - We’ve only just Begun – The Carpenters – They are on top of the division through three games, but they have two playoff teams lurking behind them.
Jacksonville Jaguars 1-2 – Double Up – R. Kelly - Their double headed running attack and strong D may finally be ready to bring down the mighty Colts. How great is this line by the way, “Step up out the club with the dizzy head, see two chicks both got dizzy legs, bout to Double Up.” A little improvisation gives us, “Step out the backfield with Mo and Fred, leave that defense with dem’ dizzy legs, bout to Double Up.”
Indianapolis 1-2 – Dust on the Bottle – David Lee Murphy – 1-2 is the dust on the bottle, but don’t be fooled, there is a Superbowl contender inside.
Houston 0-2 – Bad – Michael Jackson - Gary Kubiak as coach, Matt Schaub at QB, Jesus Christ at RB and Zues himself at DE can’t help this team be anything but BAD.
AFC West
Denver Broncos 3-0 – Rocky Mountain High – John Denver - Three wins plus whatever Jay Cutler smokes before the games to make him look like this have this team on cloud nine.
San Diego 1-2 – I’ll be Missing You – Faith Evans, Puff Daddy, 112 - This team will be missing Shawne Merriman all season on the defensive side of the football and that hole will probably stop them from repeating last year’s deep playoff run.
Oakland – 1-2 – You’re Fired – Vince McMahon – Soon enough Lane Kiffin, soon enough…
Kansas City 0-3 – No Chance – Vince McMahon – There is no better way to end a list than with two Vince references.
The Angry T
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