I couldn’t be more excited that the NBA draft is only three days away. I’m not sure if we can say the same for Blake Griffin, who will be the draft’s #1 pick. It’s hard to believe that Blake is excited to join a team that went a combined 42-122 over the last two seasons. Despite this god awful record, the Clippers return coach Mike Dunleavy, who’s seen and contributed to the misery over the last few seasons.
I’d like to help Blake Griffin smoothly transition into his role as savior of the worst professional sports franchise east of Detroit. To do so, we’re going to translate some looks that you and your teammates will most likely get from Coach Dunleavy this season as you stumble your way to a probable 30-52 record.
“I would trade each and everyone of you for the handsome gentleman on my arm. Yes, that does include you Paul Davis.”
Thought bubble: “Just 2:45 seconds left and I can guarantee myself at 72 hours without having to see Ricky Davis…or Chris Kaman in the shower. “
“Hold on Salvatore, are you sure it’s illegal for Zach Randolph to take a nap in lane on the defensive end of the court? I’m pretty sure if he isn’t awake, you can’t call him for defensive three seconds. Yeah, I bought him the embroidered sleeping mask. Nice touch right?”
“Don’t you dare blow out another knee Elton. Do you know how hard it was to convince Cheik Samb to give up his left ACL last year? I told him it was for science. I hate lying to him, especially since the only English he knows he learned from the Taco Bell extra value menu.”
“Do you how many suits I’ve flexed through getting pissed off at you guys? Protein Shaaaaaakkkkeeeee”
” Chris, I’m gonna give this back to you one last time, but if you try to peel and eat it orange again I swear to god…”
“Just let the owner know I helped you up. Kindness is the only reason I’m still here. I had to dog sit Donald Sterling’s pomeranians four times last year just to keep the GM title.”
“No, not just out of the game. I need you out of the stadium, and preferrable LA in the next three hours. Yeah…see if NC State will take you back. Get a PE degree.”
“Are you sure that I can’t fire myself if I am the GM as well as the coach? I’ll take my chances, Cheikh Samb, you’re player-coach. Just keep running Cheesy Bean Burrito until we score.”
The Angry T
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