Of course, the Detroit Lions signing of former All-Pro Rudi Johnson couldn’t simply go smoothly.  As per usual, the sitcom that is the Detroit Lions football team continues to impress. If correct grammar is any indication of guilt, then someone better throw the cuffs on Tatum Bell:

“I ain’t no thief,” Bell told the Free Press in a phone interview. “I ain’t never been one, and I ain’t never going to be one. It was all a misunderstanding.

“You can ask anybody I played with for all my years or anybody that know me, man. They know I ain’t never stolen nothing from nobody or had those kind of intentions.”

Well, I am convinced.  If only we had video of the perpetrator stealing the bags.  What’s that? We do have video of the perpetrator stealing the bags?

But later Tuesday afternoon, Lions director of security Ricky Sandoval showed Johnson a surveillance video of Bell taking the bags. How did Bell look?

“Suspect,” Johnson said.

Was he wearing a ski mask?

“He might as well,” Johnson said.

For his part, Rudi is taking this fairly well, almost like he has no clue this snag will be the first in a series of unfortunate events that will land him in a padded cell with a tattoo of William Clay Ford on his forehead:

The bags were at a woman’s house, and the woman brought them to Lions headquarters – empty. Johnson said he canceled his credit cards.

Johnson joked about it:

“I got the bags back empty,” he said. “So he got a bunch of my underclothes. What he’s going to do with that, I don’t know. …

“All this happened once he got released,” Johnson said Wednesday as he came off the practice field. “He came here to get some stuff out of his locker. That’s when he scooped the bags up. Some real shyster, conniving stuff, man.”

I wonder he is was referring to this type of Shyster:

“He left the money clip, but he didn’t leave no money in it. He should have took the clip, too. …

“If anybody’s got some Perry Ellis boxers for sale, you know where they came from.”

I’m sorry, I missed the last few sentences, I was buying a pair of slightly used size 34 Perry Ellis boxer briefs off EBay.

Johnson spoke to Bell afterward. Bell told him it was a mix-up.

“I wasn’t even trying to hear all that,” Johnson said. “I didn’t believe nothing he said.”

Johnson called the incident an “all-time classic” but said he would not press charges.

An “all-time classic?” That pretty much sums up the Detroit Lions franchise on the whole. To cap it off, Rudi had this to say, in an earlier interview with Mitch Albom of the Detroit Free Press, about how quickly he could acclamate himself to the Lions offense :

“I’m looking forward to it,” Johnson said, adding, “I got the next six or seven months to put my focus into that.”

Somebody should tell Johnson the Lions’ season is only four months — it just feels like six or seven.

This team could be dangerous in March with Rudi up to speed.  It looks like he is fitting in just fine in Detroit.

The Angry T

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At the risk of stating the obvious, Matt Millen is an idiot. One of the few good decisions Matt ever made was drafting Shaun Rogers. Although Shaun was constantly sucking air and frequently on the side lines, he was still a perennial All-Pro candidate. He was one of the few guys that Matt could point at and say, “Look how smart I am.” Now Shaun is gone, traded to the Browns for a third round pick and cornerback Leigh Bodden. We can only assume that Matt will use this pick wisely.

After seven years on the job, you would think that Matt would know his strengths and weaknesses as a GM. This trade shows he has absolutely no clue how bad of a talent evaluator he actually is. Matt has made 36 draft choices in the third round or later since becoming the Lions general manager in 2001. Of those 36 picks, only nine are still on the roster. Of those nine, three were drafted last year, so Matt is probably unwilling to give up on those guys just yet. Cory Redding and Keith Smith are the only consistent contributors of the 36. For those scoring at home, that is two good decisions out of 36 (5.6%). Not to worry Millen-haters, Matt followed up one of his few good decisions with a god-awful one when he gave Redding a seven-year, 49 million dollar contract in 2007, making him the highest paid defensive tackle in the NFL. Cory rewarded Matt’s good faith by turning in a one-sack-and-37-tackles season in 2007.

So, Lions fans, with the third round pick that we acquired for Rogers, there is a 2.8% chance that the drafted man will be an average NFL player. There is a 75% chance that the player will be cut within a few years and there is a 94.4% chance that the best we get out of this pick is a special teams’ player. We were just outsmarted by the Cleveland Browns, a franchise that had their team stolen in the middle of the night, and until last year, was equally as embarrassing as the Lions.

Scroll down and take a look at the talent that Millen has snatched off the draft board since his arrival in 2001. (The players with the lines through their names are no longer on the team. You can pretty much add Bailey and Lehman to the list of castaways. All indications have them gone by mini-camp.)

2001 Lions Draft 1. LT – Jeff Backus
2. C – Dominic Raiola
3. DT – Shaun Rogers
4. WR – Scotty Anderson
5. QB – Mike McMahon
6. LB – Jason Glenn

2002 Lions Draft

1. QB – Joey Harrington
2. DE – Kalimba Edwards
3. CB – Andre Goodman
4.LB – John Taylor
6. CB – Chris Cash
7. RB – Luke Staley
7. TE – Matt Muprhy
7. OT – Victor Rogers

2003 Lions Draft

1. WR- Charles Rogers
2. LB – Boss Bailey
3. DT – Cory Redding
4. RB – Artose Pinner
5. FS – Terrence Holt
5. LB – James Davis
6. WR – David Kircus
6. OT- Ben Johnson
6. CB – Blue Adams
7. FB – Brandon Drumm
7. WR – Travis Anglin

2004 Lions Draft

1. WR – Roy Williams
2. RB – Kevin Jones
3. LB – Teddy Lehman
4. CB – Keith Smith
5. LB – Alex Lewis
6. OT – Kelly Butler

2005 Lions Draft

1. WR – Mike Williams
2. DL – Shaun Cody
3. S – Stanley Wilson
4. QB – Dan Orlovsky
5. DE – Dan Swancutt
6. DE – Jonathon Goodard

2006 Lions Draft

1. LB – Ernie Sims
2. S – Daniel Bullocks
3. RB – Brian Calhoun
5. T- Jonathon Scott
6. CB – Dee McCann
7. OG – Fred Matua
7. LB – Anthony Cannon

2007 Lions Draft

1. WR – Calvin Johnson
2. QB – Drew Stanton
2. DE – Ikaika Alama-Francis
2. S – Gerald Alexander
4. CB – A.J. Davis
4. G – Manuel Ramirez
5. LB – Johnny Baldwin
7. DB – Ramzee Robinson
Matt Millen has drafted 52 players since 2001. Six of those players are now Lions’ starters (which is not to say that they are actually good players). You build a good NFL team through the draft and the Lions have destroyed their team through awful draft, after awful draft. As I stated above, I am not breaking ground with anything I have said in this post, but when you put all the numbers (31-81 is another important one) in one place, you have to give Millen credit for what he is: the worst executive in the history of sports.

Fire Millen.

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