As I watched the Lions / Packers game this afternoon, I was treated to the sideline stylings of Charissa Thompson. For those who haven’t seen her, this is probably a must read post. For those who have seen her, this is still probably still at least a probably-should-read post.

There have been many challengers to Erin Andrew’s crown as hottest sideline reporter. In this writers’ humble opinion, all attempts at that crown by other reporters not named Craig Sager, have failed…until know. Charissa can challenge Erin and this post will break down why. Let’s look at the Tale of the Tape in this match-up. We have conveniently broken this match-up into five categories that should decide not only who is the hottest, but also who is the best all around sideline reporter.

Hotness:

Erin Andrews:

Charissa Thompson:

Here’s Charissa showing off the professional attire:

And if these two pictures, the only ones on the internet of Clarissa, aren’t enough for you, let the words of timeless song change your mind:

Edge: This is a tough choice, because after today, I may legitimately love Charissa Thompson. That being said, you cannot deny the attractiveness of Erin and she gets the nod here.

Resume:

Erin Andrews:

Fans of Erin know that she isn’t simply another pretty face. She worked for FSN, the Sunshine Network covering the Tampa Bay Lightning, and Turner Sports covering the Braves before she found a home at ESPN.

Clarissa Thompson:

Clarissa is no slouch either. She is a frequent contributer to the Best Damn Sports Show. She hosts a weekly show for the Colorado Rockies. On Saturdays, she is the sidelines reporter for the Big Ten Network game of the week. On Sunday she’s a sideline reporter for Fox. Quite an impressive resume for Chrissa.

Edge: Erin definitely holds the edge in longevity, but Charissa can boast that she reports on America’s favorite sport, professional football. Since she covers college football, pro football, baseball and John Salley, Charissa takes this category.

Big Interviews:

Erin:

Here’s Erin asking the tough question to a can of Pringles. One of the highlight of her career I am sure:

Also, it don’t get much bigger than getting groped by Bruce Pearl. It’s a dream of mine and Charissa’s

Charissa:

Look how quickly she rattles off this 1977 World Series comment.

Edge: As always, Pringles are the difference. One more in Erin’s column.

Professionalism:

Erin:

She will ask the tough questions, give fantastic analysis from the sideline and when called upon, dance like Ginger Rogers:

Charissa:

Rain nor snow nor dark of night can stop Charissa Thompson from getting drilled with a bunch of snow at the 40 second mark.

Edge:

Due to temperature, inclement weather and all that snow that she got hit with, Charissa takes this catergory.

Scoring Update: The score is tied 2-2 in this death match. Winner takes all in this final category and just like in the real world, the winner is be decided by pure athletic ability:

Athletic Ability:

Erin:

Seeing this type of athletic ability and sporting prowess on video is breathtaking:

Oh, and did I mention that she can dance?

Charissa Thompson:

The only video that speaks to Charissa’s athleticism is that skiing video above, and that video doesn’t speak to highly of that athleticism.

Edge:

The Queen is not dead just yet. Erin takes this category and the overall victory.

Well, Erin has maintained the crown for now, but Charissa is young and relatively new to the game. As more and more people see her on the sidelines on Sundays, we may have another internet sensation on our hands.

The Angry T

Popularity: 16% [?]

I was browsing through the MLB scores last night on ESPN.com and I came across this little statistical gem in the Phillies-Cubs round-up article: 

Lefty Loosey
With his stellar outing on Saturday, Cole Hamels became the first lefty since Tom Browning to go seven innings, strike out five, allow one hit and zero earned runs in a home start vs. the Cubs, and just the fourth since 1969. Here are the rest:

Year	Player	Team
2008	Cole Hamels	Phillies
1986	Tom Browning	Reds
1985	John Tudor	Cardinals
1981	Vida Blue	Giants

Now some would think that my style is to bash a statistic like this as unwanted, unedited, garbage.  But I am on the complete other side of that argument.  I think statistics like this, which gives a rich history of the 7 inning, 5 strike out, one hit, zero run, home start, versus the Cubs, pitching performances are not only desirable, but also shows ESPN’s ability to reach a demographic that is often overlooked: Myself, Sabermetrics, and people who haven’t seen their dick in 10 or more years.  In fact, I would go so far as to say that ESPN needed more statistics like this in the story.  Here are some other statistics from Saturday’s Cubs-Phillies game that went unmentioned in the article.

• Ted Lilly’s 5th inning wild pitch was the 1st wild pitch from a Cubs lefty with a feminine last name since southpaw Jim Uterus tossed one to the backstop in 1987

 

• The attendance of 45,072 was the largest crowd to watch the Phillies play the Cubs on a Saturday when it was 68 degrees since “President William McKinley Bobblehead Night” in 1898.

 

• Pat Burrell became the first left fielder since Stan Musial in 1946 to mouth sexual profanities at a female spectator for an entire game.

-Violent J

Popularity: 1% [?]

Ooh, baby. Come on over a little closer, honey. I see you’ve dressed up in that sexy HD dress tonight. Yeah, you know how I like it. Your sultry Top Ten lists, smokin’ Sunday Conversations, and sexy Linda Cohn. I can watch your sports all night long. Oh, I see you brought some of your hot friends—nice to meet you, ESPN2, ESPN Classic, ESPNU, ESPN Radio, ESPN.com. Looks like Ménage à six is in order tonight, ladies.

You know just what to say, too. You always do. For all of these years we’ve known each other, you’ve always known when to whisper those sweet nothings into my ear, and when to scream out loud in ecstasy. I look back on all the good times we’ve had—all those times I’ve watched you intently with my pants around my ankles—and I think about all those things you’ve said to me while we laid together in bed. Remember our first night:

Raging M: "Baby, this has been a great night. I’ve never met anyone like you before. How do you see things so far?”

ESPN:

RM: "Really? Wow, that’s great! I didn’t really know what to expect or how far it might go…”

ESPN:

RM: “Are you serious!?! Er… I mean, cool, baby. But don’t you want to slow down a bit? Maybe go into my place for a while and have a drink?

ESPN:

RM: “Alright…Frecky, is it? Is that some sort of nickname? Nevermind, come on inside.

Five Minutes Later:

RM: “I don’t really know how to say this, and please don’t be offended, but I’ve never been with a major television corporation before…”

ESPN:

RM: “Good, good. But, you see, between the nerves of our first date and the many strawberry daiquiris, I’m having a little trouble, you know…”

ESPN:

RM: “Sweetheart, no offense, but I don’t think you can just talk it into working for you.”

ESPN:

RM: “Holy crap! It worked! Are you a miracle worker?”

ESPN:

RM: “AMEN! Alright, now that we’re in business, what did you have in mind?”

ESPN:

RM: “Just like that? No foreplay? No nothing?”

ESPN:

**Censored for the children**

RM: “You are a phenomenal network—it’s like you’ve known me forever.”

ESPN:

RM: “Well, that’s uncalled for! Look, I may not be the biggest guy in the world, but it’s nothing to make fun of.”

ESPN:

RM: “No, baby, I’ve got plenty more left, I promise. Don’t go just yet. I’ll do whatever you want.”

ESPN:

RM: “Alright, now we’re in business.”

ESPN:

RM: “Oh, you like to talk dirty. I like that about you.”

ESPN:

RM: “Yeah, alright, lemme try something else.”

ESPN:

RM: “Oh, ok, too much for you to handle, I see. How about this, you naughty conglomerate, you.”

ESPN:

RM: “Oh, wow, you sure like it that way, dontcha?”

ESPN:

RM: “Oh, yeah!”

ESPN:

RM: “Oh, ESPN!”

ESPN:

RM: “THIS IS THE BEST…EV-ER!”

ESPN:

The following section was deleted for the purposes of our reader’s well-being. No one should ever have to think of any writer from The Angry T in this manner.

We now return you to our dashing couple:

RM: (Attempting to regain his breath) “ESPN, I am so glad I met you. That was wonderful.”

ESPN:

RM: “You’re not kidding. I hope it was good for you…?”

ESPN:

RM: “Really? Sweet! I just beat my personal best by 26 seconds! Will you marry me, ESPN?”

And we lived happily ever after.

Raging M

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