Timing, as they say in the photography game, is everything.  Every so often Peyton Manning is going to feel that need to feel up on some man ass and  you better be ready with your camera when he feels that insatiable urge.

(Thanks to reader Ed Dumsa for the heads up)

You can find this great shot on the front page of Yahoo Fantasy Sports. 

You Manning apologists can claim optical illusion all you want, I know what I see in this picture, and it’s Man on Manning action.  Thankfully this picture was taken from the back, you don’t even want to know what Dallas Clark is doing up there.

The Angry T

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You may have heard that the NFL season begins on Thursday.  You probably have not heard that I have an unbelievable aptitude to predict the season of your favorite NFL team. I’ve decided to let you in on the fortunes of your favorite team by comparing them to hot new song that all the kids are talking about.  Using the Billboard Top 100, I’ve related your team to a hot jam.  Take a look below and be sure to let me know exactly where I messed up in the comments.

(Thanks to THE Jake Roland for help with the songs)

NFC East

NY Giants – Runaway – Love and Theft – Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw should see a significant amount of action this year as Eli and Co. break in some new WRs.

Philadelphia Eagles – Second Chance – Shinedown - Obviously, Michael Vick is looking to make good on his second chance. An even bigger story in my opinion is that Donovan McNabb is once again at the helm of a team with SuperBowl caliber team. He very well could get a second chance at SuperBowl immortality. 

Washington Redskins – Ginuwine – Last Chance – Jason Campbell probably knows that this year is his last chance to prove that he’s capable of leading this Redskins team to something better than mediocrity.

Dallas Cowboys – Down – Jay Sean Featuring Lil Wayne - The Cowboys best playmaker from 2008 has gone east to Buffalo, but so did distractions that come with him. All the same, I see this as a down year for the Cowboys as I believe each of their division rivals has upgraded their teams more than the Cowboys have.

NFC North

Chicago Bears – Jay Z and Rihanna - Jay Cutler will run Chicago if he delivers a couple nice playoff runs for a team and city that a dying for a Super Bowl contender. Richard Daley should be concerned if this guy wins a Super Bowl and has any political aspirations.

Detroit Lions – Brad Paisley – Welcome to the Future – For better or for worse, Matt Stafford is the future of the Detroit Lions. Lions’ fans are about to find out whether they get to watch the next Bobby Layne or whether they have to deal with the next Chuck Long. Personally, I’d settle for Charlie Batch.

Green Bay Packers – Number One – R. Kelly – In a cruel or fantastic twist of fate depending on your prospective, Packer and Viking fans will get a chance to find out who exactly is #1 when Favre / Rodgers Bowl 1-2. I

Minnesota Vikings – Big Green Tractor – James Aldean – The Great Favre stepped off his tractor in Louisiana, Mississippi  or wherever the hell he was, to play football once again and infuriate several million football fans. It remains to be seen if he has anything left in the tank or if he needs to get his ass back on the tractor.

NFC South

New Orleans – Green Day – 21 Guns – Drew Brees has plenty of weapons back for the leagues top passing game. Big Drew better throw for around 9000 yards because I have him on every one of my fantasy teams. That being said, I don’t see New Orleans winning this South without some semblance of a defense.

Atlanta Falcons – One Time – Justin Bieber – Matt Ryan and Co. came out of nowhere last year to finish 11-5 and snag a playoff spot. Matty Ice will have to avoid a sophomore slump and prove they can do it “Two Times.”

Tampa Bay – Alright – Darius Rucker – Tampa Bay will be breaking in a new quarterback and a new head coach. I’d be shocked if they were anything better than “Alright,” this year.

Carolina Panthers – No Surprise – Daughtry – No one will be be too surprised to see the Panthers at the top of NFC South once again. This writer will be one of very few not surprised to see the Panthers back in the Super Bowl.

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals – Falling for You – Cobie Callait – After being picked by most to struggle last year, Arizona’s SuperBowl run has made Arizona the darlings of the league and the odds on favorite to repeat a division champs.

San Francisco – Miley Cyrus – The Climb – Shaun Hill has been named the starter and I am great at making hilarious puns. Aside from the Hill / Climb pun, the 49ers still have a long way to go to get anywhere near contender status. However, several teams came out of nowhere last year, so keep and eye out for Shaun Hill and Frank Gore.

Seattle Seahawks – Cascada – Evacuate the Dance Floor – Don’t just evacuate the dance floor, evacuate Qwest and get the hell away from the stadium rather than watch this probable train wreck of a football team.

St. Louis Rams – Kelly Clarkson – Already Gone – The chances of the Rams doing anything productive this year are perfectly summed up by the title of this song.

AFC East

Miami Dolphins – Sweet Dreams – Beyonce – The Bills getting another year of seasoning and TO, Tom Brady being back and the Jets new head coach and revamped defense should be more than enough to put the lights out on the Dolphins’ chance of a divison title repeat.

New England Patriots – Throw It In the Bag - Brady’s back. If I need to say more, you can look to the Pats new perrenial pro-bowler Derrick Burgess. The division title is in the bag.

Buffalo Bills – She Wolf – Shakira – She Wolf fits for a couple of reasons in this situation. First Terrell Owens is moody and emotional as a chick most of the time. Second, Terrell Owens has the remarkable talent of going from “great lockeroom guy” to “lockeroom cancer,” in one 3-catch-game flat. This remarkable transformation mirrors the transformation of man into werewolf (Orrrrrr, I just wanted to show this video, you decide). It remains to be seen if TO can shut his mouth and be the playmaker the Bills need or the distraction that they’ll regret.

NY Jets – Mariah Carey – Obsessed - It took all of one preseason game for the national media to become obsessed with Marc Sanchez. I think he’s got a long way to go, but a stout defense should help his team have some immediate success while he learns on the job.

AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers – Boom Boom Pow – Black Eyed Peas - No one this side of the Ravens hits harder than the Steelers. I forsee them leaving most of their opponents bloodied and battered on the way to another AFC Championship appearance.

Baltimore Ravens – I Gotta Feeling – Black Eyed Peas - This writer has a feeling that this is the season that Ray Ray and company make their triumphant return to the SuperBowl with a win over the Steelers in the AFC Championship.

Cincinnati Bengals – Never Say Never – The Fray - I refuse to write this team off simply because of their appearence on Hard Knocks. Still, I find it hard to believe they can contend in this division or even pick up a playoff spot. In honor of the “Kiss the Baby,” I’m not willing to completely dismiss them.

Cleveland Browns – Good Girls Go Bad – Cobra Starship w/ Leighton Meester - Brady Quinn is probably more attractive than most of the girls I end up getting with (read: All of those girls). Despite that fact, there’s no reason to believe that this team will be anything other than bad this year.

AFC South

Tennessee Titans – Love Drunk – Boys Like Girls – I see a pounding headache of a hangover for the Titans  following a 13-3 season. They’ve got a tough schedule and they’ll have to deal with the ascension of a consistent divison bottom dweller that’s finaly ready to make a move. (See Below)

Houston Texans – Waking Up in Vegas – Katy Perry - Throw some money down and beat Vegas and their 8 win projection for Houston. After Houston’s 10 win season, you can play this song and throw cash at your friends who weren’t smart enough to make this pick with you.

Indianapolis Colts – LoveGame – Lady Gaga - Everyone loves to watch Peyton Manning direct his offense up and down the field at will. If the Colts defense can in anyway match their play down the stretch in 06′ they could certainly unseat reigning AFC heavyweights Baltimore and Pittsburgh. I don’t see it happening, but it’s possible.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Not Meant to Be - Theory of a Deadman – With Indy, Tennessee and an up and coming Houston squad in the division, a playoff run is not meant to be for the Jags.

AFC West

Oakland Raiders – Use Somebody – Kings of Leon - They just need to find somebody, anybody, who can throw the football. They also probably need someone that can protect that thrower from getting his head taken off. They also need a defense. Other than that, and a coach that doesn’t sucker punch other coaches, they need nothing.

Denver Broncos – I’ll Just Hold On – Blake Shelton - I don’t see this team getting much better with Kyle Orton behind center instead of Jay Cutler. At the same time, their divison is pretty week, so they shouldn’t be a terrible record wise. Simply put, they’ll probably just hold on to a mediocre record this season.

Kansas City Cheifs – Replay – Iyaz - While the Cheifs probably upgraded their quarterback position this offseason (Tyler Thigpen wasn’t all that bad) they haven’t done enough to avoid a replay of last season.

San Diego Chargers – Miley Cyrus – Party in the USA – Well, as Tila Tequila and Shawne Merriman have proved, it’s always party-time in San Diego. They’ll be even more partying as the season moves forward because the Chargers will once again take home the division crown.

The Angry T

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We don’t do nearly enough how-to posts at TheAngryT and now is as good a time as any to help out the general public.  Many of you have wondered what steps you might need to take acheive the lofty position of high school football coach.  Thankfully a high school football coach in Florida has spelled out the steps to high school football coaching success better than I could have.

(The face of a mentor, the face of a positive role model. The face of a probably felon)

1. Develop a passion for leading kids

2.  Find ways to motivate children to grow into responsible men and continually better themselves on and off the football field

3. Get a job at a high school as a janitor and assistant varsity football coach

4. Smoke 1-2 joints on a Sunday night

5. Snort 2-3 lines of blow on a Sunday night

6. Hang out with your 18 year old high school quarterback (As a 30 year old man) on Sunday niht

7. Hang out with your 18 year old high school QB (as a 30 year old man) until 1:30 am on a Monday morning

8. Get pulled over by the cops at 1:30 am on a Monday morning as a passenger in a car driven by your 18 year old QB

9. Drop a small bag of coke and 4 grams of marijuana on the ground by accident during the traffic stop

10. Allow the cops to find the loaded handgun that you were also driving around with 1:30 am on a Monday morning

and finally…

11. Learn your lesson:

 ”Yeah, I learned a lesson,” Dotson (the janitor in question) said Wednesday. “I want to put this behind me. I definitely made a mistake and I shouldn’t have been out that late.”

Thank god he learned his lesson.  I’m also glad he wants to put this behind him.  I’m certain he’ll never smoke a joint, do blow or hang out with an 18 year old while doing both, because that’s what “putting this behind him” would mean.

 I’m hoping this wouldn’t be another of those Stallworth type situation where someone says that they learned their lesson, but are really more happy that they got off with a lighter prison sentence than Paris Hilton’s sentence after DUI #3, but I’m sure it is. I’m not sure there is anything else to say in this situation other than idiot, HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL!!!, and idiot. (and yes, I am pissed that my high school golf coach didn’t care enough to spend this type of quality time with me)

The Angry T

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I had a friend who caught what would have been a game winning touchdown in a football game and as he was jogging to the end zone, he spiked the ball just inside five yard line, thinking that the five was actually the goal line. His team ended up getting stoned at the goal line the next four plays and his team eventually lost that game. In that situation, there was no money, or anything else besides pride, on the line. I was I could say the same for Julian Simon’s gaffe at the 125cc Catalan Grand Prix. To set the scene, the clip begins with Simon crossing the finish line on what he believes to be the last lap.

The look of terror on the faces of his crew may be the best part of the entire video.  I’d love to have this guy’s helmet mic’d up, and translated for that matter, when he realizes he has lost the race due to this stupidity.

Julian, fear not, because you are not alone.  To help you through this difficult time, I’ve found five other people that make you look like a Rhodes scholar. Well maybe that’s a stretch, but I did find five other idiots.

Milton Bradley being Milton Bradley:

Leon Lett’s Best Two Blunders – I’m sure he’s made several hundred real life blunder’s as a result of that pesky coke addiction, but these are the two that come to mind on the football field.

Desean Jackson – His penchant for celebration refuses to be contained by the the tiny bounds of the end zone. Simply put, he dreams big.

2007 Chicago Women’s Marathon (last 1:30) – This video only gets better when you add the commentary which would lead you to believe that Pirtea is seven miles ahead of her nearest competitor. This clip reminds me of every horror movie ever, where the unsuspecting co-ed gets stabbed by the villain even though in the movie theater knew the stab was coming. The eventual winner, Berhane Adere, is running about 50 mph at the finish, which is impressive, because as many of you may know, she had already run around 26 miles.

This one really doesn’t fit with the rest of the premature celebrations on this list because the premature celebrator actually wins. At the same time, in the Olympic 100m final it may be a good idea to run all 100m.

All of these videos except the Bolt clip entertained me because the premature celebrators got their comeuppance. I’m sure you enjoyed this post as well if you, like me, fall into the category of hater.

The Angry T

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While these scouting websites do miss, they are also probably as accurate as is humanly possible when predicting the college futures of 18 year olds.  If you ever really doubt these guys, go back through their top 10 rankings for basketball players from 2007 and before.  Rivals’s predictions are uncanny good.

The Magnificent M

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Here is TO reading the Top 10 on the Late Show last night. Surprisingly, there wasn’t any advice about overdosing on prescription medication.  I thought that he could be a great spokesperson for that type of behavior. Too soon?

Not great, not terrible. I did like the crying in press conferences joke though. I would have thought we has too much of a prick to laugh at himself. I may have misjudged you Mr. Owens.

The Angry T

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I know what you’re thinking after that title Northwestern fans,  nothing gets you more sexually aroused than a Tyrell Sutton TD run.  Thankfully, these co-eds agree:

If either of these lovely ladies would like to contact me at theangryt@gmail.com, I would be more than happy to set up a triple kiss date at the next Northwestern home game.  It’s time to step it up a notch ladies.

The Angry T

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