As most of us with a television and even a mild interest in sporting contests know, Cincinnati’s Brian Kelly has a great chance at becoming the next ND head coach.

He’s won everywhere he’s decided to hang his coaching hat to the tune of a 171-57-2 record thus far.  If you remove his time at Grand Valley State and compile his DI record (or FBS or RBK or HHH or HBK or whatever those clowns are calling DI these days), Kelly comes in at an impressive 53-22, with 34 of those wins and only 6 of those loses coming at Cincinnati.

Rightfully so, Notre Dame fans are excited.  How could you not get excited about a winner from a reputable conference like the Big East, who’s been to two BCS bowls including the upcoming Sugar Bowl,  and runs an inventive form of the spread?  Just ask Michigan fans, there is no way this hire can go wrong.

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Popularity: 3% [?]

By now you’ve no doubt heard about Balloon Boy, or Falcon Heene, depending on whether you’ve decided to learn this name. You also probably know that he and his freak show family were on the hit/god awful television show Wife Swap. While I use “Freak Show,” in the kindest terms possible, I’m certain it would have been in this kid’s best interest to actually hop in that balloon and float away to a new family.

Here’s an article about his crazy ass family.

Now here’s an excerpt from that article:

According to the ABC ‘Wife Swap’ website, the family sleeps in their clothes so they can leap from bed and run after a storm (they are storm chasers) at any given moment. The site also describes a “flying saucer” that sounds like the one that ultimately came back to earth Thursday.

Now here are my questions:

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Popularity: 2% [?]

If I wasn’t pretty certain this was serious, this website would leave me to believe that business that I am about to show you is fake.  But oh no ladies and gentlemen, this website is all too real.  

Make sure you read all those tabs, starting with “about:”

Since October 2008, Human Toy Co. has been delighting children all across the country!

Our name says it all!  All of our toys are real people who will do, move and say as your child wishes!  They love it!  And your child will, too.

A human toy will not only be countless hours of entertainment but encourages creativity and teaches a sense of leadership.

The perfect toy for the child who has everything!

Just so you’re clear, by “perfect toy,” they do mean human that your child can boss around and manipulate in any way.  By “leadership,” they mean your child will learn how to boss around a mindless drone who will do anything and everything you say. Although, if you’re rich enough to afford this, your child will probably enjoy a life of bossing around mindless drones, so it may be good practice. If the name Todd Gallagher is ringing a bell, that’s because the owner of this site is the same Todd Gallagher who’s currently enrolled in high school…at age 33. (and here is his blog about the experience)

Does anyone else find it ridiculous that you can rent human beings by the hour to amuse your children?  What about babysitters you say? It is true that you pay them to mind your children and make sure your kids don’t rip shots of liquid plumber while you are way.  The website makes it very clear that these “human toys” are the farthest thing from babysitters:

Are your toys trained babysitters?

Our toys are no more of a babysitter than a wooden horse.  That said, unlike most baby sitters, Human Toys are carefully screened, have passed a rigorous background check, are highly trained professionals, and are required not to participate in any activity that will endanger the welfare of a child.  We have never had a family unhappy with their Human Toy experience.

Well good thing I read that frequently asked question.  Now I at least know if my child is choking on a lincoln log, the Human Tool, I mean toy, will sit sit silent, rocking back and forth like the little brother from The Client.

Now I bet you’re saying, “Come on Angry T, this is virtually like renting a clown for your child’s birthday party.”  You may think that gentle reader, but the Human Toys website has a response to that statement:

When you say human toy do you mean clown?

No, clowns are for children whose parents aren’t willing to go the extra mile.   Clowns are a limited, one-way form of entertainment like a television that makes your child take a passive role.  We want children using their minds in their fun!

Well, humantoys.net, you’ve just eliminated 75 percent of your target audience.  Most parents think they want to go the extra mile for their child, at least for a while. Then they plop that same child in front of the TV for nine hours of Nickelodeon while they huff Lysol disinfectant spray and polish off a Cobra or two.

I’m sure that everything I’ve told you above has convinced you to contract the services.  But what kind of HumanToy would you like to purchase?  Take a look at this page.

Well, I’m sure as shit not choosing this HumanToy:

Holy hell! “Mommy the scary floral patten woman is haunting my dreams.”  I simply don’t have enough money to invest in rubber sheets to allow my child to choose this Human Toy.

What about this guy?

Sure, I’ll buy this clown for my child…if I need to teach my child how to identify someone without a soul.  Worst of all, he costs, $40/hr, or double what that frightening woman above can fetch.  This douche will teach your child all about the world of investment banking, lawyering and all things hated by the rest of the world.  Then again, he’s probably got some dough, so while your child is learning about net earnings before depreciation, you can rifle through his wallet and pick up money for dinner.

Who should you choose though? There aren’t a lot of great candidates, but I think this is the obvious choice:

Sure, she started in investment banking and sure, according to her bio on the site, she can “count to a zillion,” which obvious makes her a witch, but at least she’s attractive.  While she’s rounding one billion on her way to a zillion, you can oggle the hell out of her, which depending on how she looks from the neck down, might be worth it.

The Angry T

Popularity: unranked [?]

When Norman Laker left South Africa to take the head coaching job for the 83^rd ranked Indian Rugby National Team his job was to quickly whip the team into shape for the Commonwealth Games which India is hosting in October 2010.

But when Laker saw his scrawny team he knew a drastic change was needed. The Indian Rugby team averaged about 170 lbs …..a far cry from the 195-220 lb men they’ll be seeing in October. So Coach Laker has ordered his team to eat fifteen eggs everyday in order to put on the weight. While this is a decent way to put on weight, the Stallone diet isn’t the only way to pack on the pounds. Here are few more diets out there if India wants to compete with the All-Blacks and Wallabies.

The Bill Romanowski Diet:

1.Take glass of water and put 20 scoops of Romo’s Nutrition 53 products (Lean1, Neuro1, Multi1) until the bubbles resemble the poison sign….quickly drink entire glass.

2. Repeat step 1 untill you begin to feel internal bleeding.

3. Take glass of water and put 20 scoops of Romo’s Sleep1 mix…quickly drink entire glass.

4. Pray to God you wake up tomorrow.

The Andre the Giant Diet

1. Go to restaurant, order every item on the menu

2.Order 117 Beers or 3 fifths of vodka (your choice)

3.Wrestle Big John Studd

The Oliver Miller Diet

1.Golden Corral Breakfast Buffet

2.Repeat for Lunch and Dinner

3.Weep for your young children who will grow up without a father

The Tank Johnson Diet

1. Get arrested for possession of a gattlin gun and the assault chopper from Predator

2. Swallow sadness in prison by eating all this shit:

• Beef Sticks-162
• Honey Buns-40
• Summer Sausage-35
• Potato Chips-35
• Cups of coffee-22
• Fruit Punch-10
• Tuna fish sandwiches-10
• Jalapeno Cheese spread-9
• Tortillas-9
• Refried Beans-6
• Cookies-6

(Hey, that cookie total isn’t terrible, I have to imagine depression about being in prison would have led me to eat hundreds of cookies in 120 days)

3. Become an over performer in an HBO series and an under performer on the field the next season.

4. Get cut from your professional football team

The Sonya Thomas Diet

1. Become a competitive eater as 120 pound Asain woman

2. Consumer this amount of food:

• Asparagus
  • 5.75 pounds of tempura deep fried asparagus spears in 10 minutes
• Cheesecakes
  • 11 pounds of downtown Atlantic cheesecake in 9 minutes
• Chicken nuggets
  • 80 chicken nuggets in 5 minutes
• Chicken wings
  • 173 chicken wings in 12 minutes
• Crabcakes
  • 46 three ounce crabcakes in 10 minutes
• Eggs
  • 65 hard boiled eggs in 6 minutes and 40 seconds
• Fruitcakes
  • 4 pounds, 14 1/4 ounces of Wegman’s Fruitcake in 10 minutes
• Hamburgers
  • 7 burgers (3/4 pound) “Thickburgers” in 10 minutes
• Jambalaya
  • 9 pounds of crawfish jambalaya in 10 minutes
• Lobster
  • 44 lobsters totaling 11.3 pounds of lobster meat in 12 minutes
• Oysters
  • 46 dozen Acme Oysters in 10 minutes(2005)
  • 29 dozen ACME Oysters in 8 minutes (2009)-Louisiana oyster season produced much larger oysters in 2009 explaining the slower pace -reclaimed the Wolrd Oyster Eating title
• Pizza
  • 6 extra large Bacci pizza slices in 15 minutes
• Pulled pork
  • 23 pulled pork sandwiches in 10 minutes
• Tacos
  • 43 soft tacos in 11 minutes
• Tater tots
  • 250 tater tots in 5 minutes
• Turducken
  • 7 3/4 pounds Turducken.com Thanksgiving Dinner in 12 minutes

3. Never gain any weight

If those diets don’t help you Indian Rugby player, you might just be screwed.

Violent J

Popularity: 1% [?]

Popularity: 1% [?]

If you could spend 1:30 of your life in any way imaginable, I hope you would choose to you that time to watch this video:

Jake made this all possible folks.

The Angry T

Popularity: 1% [?]

I had a friend who caught what would have been a game winning touchdown in a football game and as he was jogging to the end zone, he spiked the ball just inside five yard line, thinking that the five was actually the goal line. His team ended up getting stoned at the goal line the next four plays and his team eventually lost that game. In that situation, there was no money, or anything else besides pride, on the line. I was I could say the same for Julian Simon’s gaffe at the 125cc Catalan Grand Prix. To set the scene, the clip begins with Simon crossing the finish line on what he believes to be the last lap.

The look of terror on the faces of his crew may be the best part of the entire video.  I’d love to have this guy’s helmet mic’d up, and translated for that matter, when he realizes he has lost the race due to this stupidity.

Julian, fear not, because you are not alone.  To help you through this difficult time, I’ve found five other people that make you look like a Rhodes scholar. Well maybe that’s a stretch, but I did find five other idiots.

Milton Bradley being Milton Bradley:

Leon Lett’s Best Two Blunders – I’m sure he’s made several hundred real life blunder’s as a result of that pesky coke addiction, but these are the two that come to mind on the football field.

Desean Jackson – His penchant for celebration refuses to be contained by the the tiny bounds of the end zone. Simply put, he dreams big.

2007 Chicago Women’s Marathon (last 1:30) – This video only gets better when you add the commentary which would lead you to believe that Pirtea is seven miles ahead of her nearest competitor. This clip reminds me of every horror movie ever, where the unsuspecting co-ed gets stabbed by the villain even though in the movie theater knew the stab was coming. The eventual winner, Berhane Adere, is running about 50 mph at the finish, which is impressive, because as many of you may know, she had already run around 26 miles.

This one really doesn’t fit with the rest of the premature celebrations on this list because the premature celebrator actually wins. At the same time, in the Olympic 100m final it may be a good idea to run all 100m.

All of these videos except the Bolt clip entertained me because the premature celebrators got their comeuppance. I’m sure you enjoyed this post as well if you, like me, fall into the category of hater.

The Angry T

Popularity: 1% [?]