”Stripped down to a pair of shorts for testing, he was a physical specimen—measuring 6 feet 3 1/2 , 225 pounds, with a six-pack that might make magazine models envious.”

Wait please don’t leave the site.  This is not the beginning of some homo-erotic novel with Fabio on the cover.  This is actually an excerpt from Ken Gordon’s column in the Columbus Dispatch about incoming freshmen Terrell Pryor.

It only took Gordon 638 words to proclaim his unbiased love for Terrell Pryor.  I would give you the full summary, but I don’t know who you are with right now and if I were to give you the full account of this love poem to Pryor, you may end up with an erection in an uncomfortable position.  Just the highlights then?  Ok here we go:

• Terrell Pryor was undergoing, according to Gordon, “high-tech computer-aided motion assessments.”  Unfortunately, despite all of the high-tech gizmos that were being used, the Columbus Dispatch could only send to print this picture using the innovative tool that I believe is called the tape measurer, or as OSU calls it “The expandable measuring wand”.

• “Scoop” Gordon gushed over the way that Pryor was messing around with other football players and was knocking down jumper after jumper.  He was also pleasured himself as he wrote that Pryor “swooped to the hoop and leaped for an empty-handed dunk.”  Or as white people call it, “touching the rim.”
• Pryor is supposedly the strongest he’s ever been.  He apparently runs everywhere with a parachute strapped to his back wearing only those shorts that drive Gordon to climax.  Unfortunately, it looks like all of that hard work has made Pryor shrink 2.5 inches.  He was listed by scout.com and rivals.com at 6’6” but according to the NASA-like equipment used by OSU, Pryor came in at a shorter but obviously stronger 6’3 1/2”.

Now I’m not saying that Pryor won’t be a great quarterback for the Buckeyes.  I think he could even contribute this year for the scarlet and grey.  However, I see absolutely no use for Ken Gordon’s lovefest, except for the fact that it was incredibly easy to make fun of.  So let’s wait for Mr. Pryor to, I don’t know, take a snap before we write columns about his greatness.  I’ll let you know when Ken Gordon sends to print his next epic column where he stalks James Laurinaitis into a JC Penny’s fitting room.

-Violent J

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