By now you’ve no doubt heard about Balloon Boy, or Falcon Heene, depending on whether you’ve decided to learn this name. You also probably know that he and his freak show family were on the hit/god awful television show Wife Swap. While I use “Freak Show,” in the kindest terms possible, I’m certain it would have been in this kid’s best interest to actually hop in that balloon and float away to a new family.

Here’s an article about his crazy ass family.

Now here’s an excerpt from that article:

According to the ABC ‘Wife Swap’ website, the family sleeps in their clothes so they can leap from bed and run after a storm (they are storm chasers) at any given moment. The site also describes a “flying saucer” that sounds like the one that ultimately came back to earth Thursday.

Now here are my questions:

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If I wasn’t pretty certain this was serious, this website would leave me to believe that business that I am about to show you is fake.  But oh no ladies and gentlemen, this website is all too real.  

Make sure you read all those tabs, starting with “about:”

Since October 2008, Human Toy Co. has been delighting children all across the country!

Our name says it all!  All of our toys are real people who will do, move and say as your child wishes!  They love it!  And your child will, too.

A human toy will not only be countless hours of entertainment but encourages creativity and teaches a sense of leadership.

The perfect toy for the child who has everything!

Just so you’re clear, by “perfect toy,” they do mean human that your child can boss around and manipulate in any way.  By “leadership,” they mean your child will learn how to boss around a mindless drone who will do anything and everything you say. Although, if you’re rich enough to afford this, your child will probably enjoy a life of bossing around mindless drones, so it may be good practice. If the name Todd Gallagher is ringing a bell, that’s because the owner of this site is the same Todd Gallagher who’s currently enrolled in high school…at age 33. (and here is his blog about the experience)

Does anyone else find it ridiculous that you can rent human beings by the hour to amuse your children?  What about babysitters you say? It is true that you pay them to mind your children and make sure your kids don’t rip shots of liquid plumber while you are way.  The website makes it very clear that these “human toys” are the farthest thing from babysitters:

Are your toys trained babysitters?

Our toys are no more of a babysitter than a wooden horse.  That said, unlike most baby sitters, Human Toys are carefully screened, have passed a rigorous background check, are highly trained professionals, and are required not to participate in any activity that will endanger the welfare of a child.  We have never had a family unhappy with their Human Toy experience.

Well good thing I read that frequently asked question.  Now I at least know if my child is choking on a lincoln log, the Human Tool, I mean toy, will sit sit silent, rocking back and forth like the little brother from The Client.

Now I bet you’re saying, “Come on Angry T, this is virtually like renting a clown for your child’s birthday party.”  You may think that gentle reader, but the Human Toys website has a response to that statement:

When you say human toy do you mean clown?

No, clowns are for children whose parents aren’t willing to go the extra mile.   Clowns are a limited, one-way form of entertainment like a television that makes your child take a passive role.  We want children using their minds in their fun!

Well, humantoys.net, you’ve just eliminated 75 percent of your target audience.  Most parents think they want to go the extra mile for their child, at least for a while. Then they plop that same child in front of the TV for nine hours of Nickelodeon while they huff Lysol disinfectant spray and polish off a Cobra or two.

I’m sure that everything I’ve told you above has convinced you to contract the services.  But what kind of HumanToy would you like to purchase?  Take a look at this page.

Well, I’m sure as shit not choosing this HumanToy:

Holy hell! “Mommy the scary floral patten woman is haunting my dreams.”  I simply don’t have enough money to invest in rubber sheets to allow my child to choose this Human Toy.

What about this guy?

Sure, I’ll buy this clown for my child…if I need to teach my child how to identify someone without a soul.  Worst of all, he costs, $40/hr, or double what that frightening woman above can fetch.  This douche will teach your child all about the world of investment banking, lawyering and all things hated by the rest of the world.  Then again, he’s probably got some dough, so while your child is learning about net earnings before depreciation, you can rifle through his wallet and pick up money for dinner.

Who should you choose though? There aren’t a lot of great candidates, but I think this is the obvious choice:

Sure, she started in investment banking and sure, according to her bio on the site, she can “count to a zillion,” which obvious makes her a witch, but at least she’s attractive.  While she’s rounding one billion on her way to a zillion, you can oggle the hell out of her, which depending on how she looks from the neck down, might be worth it.

The Angry T

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I defy anyone to describe this video to friends without using the word “douche,” “douchebag,” “d-bag,” “douche-diggity,” “douchetastic,” or any form of the word “frat.”

Do it right now, set some charges at the NJ border and blow it somewhere into the Atlantic Ocean. Would we lose the Nets? Yes. Would Tag body spray immediately cease operatings due to non-existent sales? Yes.  Would Atlantic City and hopefully Donald Trump go bankrupt? Yes. Would Massachusetts immediately because the least likeable state of the remaining 49? Yes.

Those are just four reason right there why we should do it.  I’m sure you can come up with at least 4,000 more.

The Angry T

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I know most of this blog’s readers are drunk drivers, so I am going to give you this pro tip to help you avoid potential imprisonment:

DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, PULL INTO A DRIVEWAY TO AVOID A DUI, UNLESS YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN THAT SAID DRIVEWAY IS NOT THE DRIVEWAY OF THE COP THAT’S FOLLOWING YOU

Joseph Takesgun did not follow that advice.

God bless the effort Takesgun, which is am pretty sure is a made up name. Next time, in the face of law enforcement, I’d go with something like Hugskitten or Charitygiver.

At least he went with the story for a bit:

Officer: Sir, what are you doing?

TG: I live here

Officer: Are you sure?

TG: Well bro, I’m pretty sure I know where I live, it’s not like I’m drunk or anything. (burp)

Officer: Actually sir, I live here.

At this point, TG can go one of two directions, continue with the lie, or just give up and throw himself on the mercy of the court.  I really hope this played out for another two or three minutes and TG tried to explain that he actually lived there and the cop was drunk.  I wish the situation ended with a field sobriety test, administered by TG, which ended in the cop being hauled off the jail.  In reality, TG probably just feel asleep mid-conversation and woke up on a hard concrete jail bed trying to keep himself warm with a roll of toilet paper.

On another note, if this whole situation doesn’t end up in the next Seth Rogen movie, then that guy is really slipping.

The Angry T

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From the creators of a speedo made out of interwoven razorblades, the baby catapult, and “The Shower Toaster,” we present, “The Mobile Treadmill.”

I was under the impression that most people used a treadmill because they didn’t want to go outside and run.  It turns out I was dead wrong.

I feel bad that the greatest invention in the world has to share my site with this monstrosity.

The Angry T

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