On Tuesday we told you about the Buick Open’s attempt to excite the tournament crowd sans Tiger, by pairing Kid Rock and John Daly in the pro-am. Thankfully, Kid Rock did not disappoint.

Kid Rock, clad in a pair of overalls and a white T-shirt, had to be given a pair of golf shoes to wear for the 18 holes with Daly

I guess that qualifies as proper golf attire. I can only imagine what Kid Rock was prepared to wear on his feet if tournament organizers had to give him shoes before the round. Here is my guess:

The Angry T

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The Buick Open, one of the easiest stops on the PGA Tour is the first golf tournament to have to go through Tiger Woods withdrawals this weekend.  However the folks up in Grand Blanc, Michigan aren’t going to go down Tiger-less without creating some fireworks.  And what better way then to pair up John Daly and Kid Rock in today’s pro-am. 

They will tee off today at 1:20 because Daly and Mr. Rock refuse to wake up before noon.  I think this Happy Gilmore way of thinking is the way to go until Tiger comes back.  Are you really going to tune in Sunday afternoon to watch Tom Pernice and Scott Verplank fight for the Buick Open championship? I’m telling you the most entertaining thing to watch this weekend is which hole Daly throws up into and which hole Kid Rock gets flashed on first.  To help the Buick Open out, I have taken 5 golfers (Ken Duke, Jose Coceres, Lucas Glover, Paul Goydos and Nick Watney) that I know nothing about and I doubt the average golf fan does either, and I am kicking them out of the Buick Open.  Kid Rock is a good start to having people tune in, but with the addition of these 5 golfers to the tournament this weekend, it will have people saying “Tiger who?”

1.  Hookers

Now I am not talking about filthy 8 Mile Road hookers.  What about classy one’s like Julia Roberts’ character in Pretty Women, or that nice lady I picked up last Saturday who pinky swore that she didn’t have hepatitis C?

2.  Elin Woods

When men went off to war or were injured in the early 20th century, women often went to work in the factories and the golf course for their husband.  This would explain Valerie Hogan’s Sunday 68 to win the 1941 Pay n’ Save Invitational over Byron Nelson.

3. A Grizzly Bear

This thing can run 25 mph, climb trees, and is responsible for 70% of all bear attacks on humans.  They are also known to play beautiful draws and are extremely accurate with their putters.

4.  Double Pendulum Golf Robot

Do you remember Gary Kasparov’s epic battle against the Supercomputer Deep Blue in chess?  Think of the drama on the golf course as Chris DiMarco and the golf machine go shot for shot.  No matter who would win this battle, we need to make sure that we destroy the machine after the tournament because I watched I, Robot last night and lets just say thank God for Will Smith.

5.   Ted Williams (unfrozen)
 

Yes, that’s actually Han Solo’s body in carbonite, but I figure it’s fairly close to Ted William’s body.  Once we get him thawed out, he should be plenty long off the tee.

-Violent J

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Just like John says at the 2:25 mark, “Don’t underestimate the fat man.”

I can’t imagine John was knockin’ back a few pops that day. I always take off my shirt and shoes in the middle of a golf course when I’m sober. Judging by his birdie putt (2:40 mark), John may need a little work on his short game, and his core.

Watch this video and tell me you don’t love this guy.

I really love athletes who let themselves go, whether they do it during their career, or wait until after they retire. I even get why they do it in most cases. For most of their natural life they had to train, and watch what they eat. For a lot of athletes their career is based on their ability to stay in shape. So, when they retire and no longer have that pressure, it is only logical that they would just say “screw it,” I am doing what I want now. By the way, this is not John Daly’s excuse at all, he is just a fat guy, plain and simple.

Just because I understand it, doesn’t mean I won’t make fun of it. Fat athletes make us feel better about our love handles, spare tires and giant goiters hanging off the side of our face. Below are my Top 10 athletes who let themselves go: (With Then/Now Pics)

10. Charles Barkley

9. Phil Mickelson

8. Mike Tyson

7. Ernie Holmes – #63 – He played around 260 pounds (RIP)

6. George Forman

5. Tony Gywnn

4. Kirby Puckett (RIP)

3. Barry Bonds – He really let himself go, just look how we ballooned up later in his career:

2. Shawn Kemp

1. Diego Maradona

Maybe John isn’t in such bad shape after all.

The Angry T

The Angry T

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Yesterday, we rehashed Tonya Harding’s latest legal indiscretions.  We mentioned that Tonya and John Daly would make a perfect pair.  She loves to drink just as much as he does, and I am sure he loves to smoke as much as she does. In no time at all, she and John would be happily married with 14 or 15 children. 
As always, we decided to go the extra mile and put together some other athletes who would be perfect for each other.  Here is The Angry T All-Cupid Team:

Marion Jones and Roger Clemens:  The couple that injects together gets failing kidneys and damaged heart valves together…or something like that.  “By the power vested in me by Stanizol, I, Brian Mcnamee, now pronounce you man and wife.

Chyna and Batista: Speaking of steroids, these two would produce kids with extra digits, limbs and heads. 

Lebron James and The Chick Below that can Dunk: They could talk about all kinds of things, including dunking and making kids that could jump over a basketball hoop:

Travis Henry and Sheryl Swoopes: This would be more of a platonic relationship, but it is clear that both of these people share a strong affinity for women.  Travis’ nine children is evidence enough that he loves the ladies and Sheryl’s lesbianism gives me an indication that she loves chasing skirt as well.

Jayson Williams and Tonya Harding:  Well Mr. Daly, you have a little bit of competition.  You might share an affinity for drinking and smoking, but Tonya and Jayson share a love that cannot be broken, a love of firearms. 

Martina Hingis and Lawrence Taylor: Even though LT is out of the coke game, a beautiful woman like Martina could bring him back into the arms of the white lady.

Rebecca Lobo and Tayshaun Prince:  Not only do they both love basketball, they could also make beautiful horse looking babies if they were to have children:

Tiger Woods and Sacagawea: I know Tiger is already married, and I know Sacagawea isn’t an athlete, but I believe that he and Sacagawea would make a great pair as both of them are afraid that the camera will steal their soul if it takes their picture.  At least Sacagawea has an excuse for being afraid of the foreign technology, since she lived in the 17th century.  Tiger has no such excuse, yet he constantly complains about cameramen.  I don’t hear any complaints from Bob Tway, and it’s like a photo-shoot in Milan every time he takes the club back.  He is one great looking man.

Bruce Pearl and Underage College Girls:  Can’t you just see this clown showing up at a normal college party with a Toga, and being the drunkest person there? This guy is the “cool dad” that you knew in high school, who would always let you drink in his basement, “as long as you weren’t driving”.

“Let me tell how we used to do it boys.  Me and Smitty would get piss drunk blah blah blah blah.”

Shut up “cool dad”/Bruce Pearl, you aren’t cool, and no matter how many sideline reporters you grope, no one will think you are anything other than a dirty old man. Do you think Erin Andrews likes to be groped by your greast sausage fingers? Do you think girls aren’t creeped out by your 45 year old balls on their legs?    I can’t wait until he takes the Indiana job, and then has to pay child support to the three coeds he lured into the coaches office:

“So, you wanna see my Horizon League Championship Ring? You know I beat Alabama in the tournament that year? You know Earnest Shelton was on that team right?

Grow up Bruce.
The Angry T

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