Sunday afternoon before I took in the last round of the Masters I had time to watch the 11-0 drubbing given to the Detroit Tigers by the Chicago White Sox. The loss sent the Tigers to a 2-10 record and the message boards and analysts continued to wonder if some people’s World Series pick could be headed for a year from hell. When I read these things I can’t help but smile. Unlike many of these talking heads, I have a unmatched knowledge of baseball history that tells me that things are going to be a lot better then just “ok” for these Tigers.
You see there was another team about 15 years ago who came into a season with high expectations. They too brought back a strong nucleus of players who had come out of nowhere to shock the baseball world a few years earlier. I am of course talking about the 1994 Cleveland Indians.
They were led by an older manager who didn’t put up with much:
Their Centerfielder started the year off banged up…..from doing his own stunts if I recall:
Their Ace was a flamethrower who started to rely on his off-speed stuff (the eliminator) instead of the heat:
A big-name free agent who drove the women crazy:
A Power Hitting Right Fielder who was getting soft
And an announcer who has way too much to drink
The Indians, like the Tigers, started off slowly. In the immortal words of Indians fan Dennis Quaid:
“NO! You rotten bums! You overpaid weenies! Mild thing, you make my butt sting! I *detest* you! You’re all garbage! All of ya! Back up the truck! Back it up!”
So if we have so much in common with are Major League II counterparts then shouldn’t we try to emulate how they made their comeback and went on to the World Series? Through hours and hours of film study, I have come up with 5 things that the Tigers need to do in order to parallel those wacky Cleveland Indians and win the American League.
1. Jim Leyland needs to have a heart attack and replaced by a former player with bad knees….lets say former catcher Mickey Tettleton.
This shouldn’t be too difficult.
2. Dave Dombrowski needs to trade Miguel Cabrera for So Taguchi
Exit big name free agent….hello masked racist comedy
3. Justin Verlander needs to date a fine piece of ass (lets say Stacy Keibler) which will continue to mess with his head and his slow start will continue. Eventually he needs to fall for a more homely/girl next door (lets say Winnie Cooper) and start bringing the 100mph heat again.
4. Mike Ilitch needs to sell his team to an owner who always loses and who all the players hate….bring on William Clay Ford Senior.
5. Verlander Strikes out Miguel Cabrera with 103 mph cheese and the Detroit Tigers overcome a 2-10 start to become World Series Champions
Violent J
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