Now I was going to use the time I was sitting watching the NCAA tournament to learn the recorder, but I guess this is a slightly better option.
This clinic has actually purchased a radio ad suggesting mean undergo the procedure on the opening week of the tournament to get time off work. The ad promises to send each patient a recovery kit of sports magazines, free pizza delivery and a bag of frozen peas. Thanks for the compassion doc, my testicles have swollen up to the size of tennis balls and you are making jokes about throwing cold vegetables on the ol’ boys. Very funny pal. The good news about having this procedure is that you can “Send it in,†Bill Raftery style without fear of producing a child.
For those of us who want to have children some day, getting the ol’ tubes tied isn’t really an option at this point. Here are a few suggestions on less painful ways to get out of work or class for the tournament’s opening weekend.
5. Go in to work on Thursday and breathe heavily and constantly sigh for the first few hours of the day, fooling your co-workers into thinking you are working hard, although you are doing no work at all. Bring a small spray bottle and periodically spray your forehead to produce a sweat like buildup on your brow. To seal the deal, poor water all over your crotch. When confronted, tell your co-workers that you are so busy you have no time to urinate in the bathroom. Your soiled pants, combined with your high stress level should force your boss to let you go home for the next couple days.
4. If you are in college, just don’t go to class. Believe me, there are no negative consequences to missing your classes. Look at me, I missed a ton of classes and I have a blog that literally generates 10s of dollars each year.
3. The week of the tournament, do all the dangerous things you thought about doing before but never had the guts to go through with. Go skydiving, start skateboarding, surf on top of a moving car like Teen Wolf, go nuts. If you happen to hurt yourself, your company will let you have a few days off work. If not, you got to do a bunch of very fun things for a week. It is a no lose situation.
(the only youtube video I could find of “car surfing†was in Spanish)
2. Go to your local elementary school after that kids have left and start licking the desks, the blackboards, the playground equipment and anything else the germ ridden children might have touched. Children carry more diseases than a truck stop bathroom, so getting their germs could be your ticket to two sick days and lots of basketball.
1. QUIT YOUR JOB or DROP OUT OF SCHOOL. Have you heard of a man named Bill Gates? He never graduated from college. Neither did Albert Einstein. Maybe. Michael Jordan got cut from his high school basketball team. You see where I am going with this? You don’t need that job and you don’t need “the man†telling you what you need to learn, but you do need this basketball tournament. Trust me, you will thank me later.
(If you are going to quit, do it like this)
The Angry T
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