You may have heard that the NFL season begins on Thursday.  You probably have not heard that I have an unbelievable aptitude to predict the season of your favorite NFL team. I’ve decided to let you in on the fortunes of your favorite team by comparing them to hot new song that all the kids are talking about.  Using the Billboard Top 100, I’ve related your team to a hot jam.  Take a look below and be sure to let me know exactly where I messed up in the comments.

(Thanks to THE Jake Roland for help with the songs)

NFC East

NY Giants – Runaway – Love and Theft – Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw should see a significant amount of action this year as Eli and Co. break in some new WRs.

Philadelphia Eagles – Second Chance – Shinedown - Obviously, Michael Vick is looking to make good on his second chance. An even bigger story in my opinion is that Donovan McNabb is once again at the helm of a team with SuperBowl caliber team. He very well could get a second chance at SuperBowl immortality. 

Washington Redskins – Ginuwine – Last Chance – Jason Campbell probably knows that this year is his last chance to prove that he’s capable of leading this Redskins team to something better than mediocrity.

Dallas Cowboys – Down – Jay Sean Featuring Lil Wayne - The Cowboys best playmaker from 2008 has gone east to Buffalo, but so did distractions that come with him. All the same, I see this as a down year for the Cowboys as I believe each of their division rivals has upgraded their teams more than the Cowboys have.

NFC North

Chicago Bears – Jay Z and Rihanna - Jay Cutler will run Chicago if he delivers a couple nice playoff runs for a team and city that a dying for a Super Bowl contender. Richard Daley should be concerned if this guy wins a Super Bowl and has any political aspirations.

Detroit Lions – Brad Paisley – Welcome to the Future – For better or for worse, Matt Stafford is the future of the Detroit Lions. Lions’ fans are about to find out whether they get to watch the next Bobby Layne or whether they have to deal with the next Chuck Long. Personally, I’d settle for Charlie Batch.

Green Bay Packers – Number One – R. Kelly – In a cruel or fantastic twist of fate depending on your prospective, Packer and Viking fans will get a chance to find out who exactly is #1 when Favre / Rodgers Bowl 1-2. I

Minnesota Vikings – Big Green Tractor – James Aldean – The Great Favre stepped off his tractor in Louisiana, Mississippi  or wherever the hell he was, to play football once again and infuriate several million football fans. It remains to be seen if he has anything left in the tank or if he needs to get his ass back on the tractor.

NFC South

New Orleans – Green Day – 21 Guns – Drew Brees has plenty of weapons back for the leagues top passing game. Big Drew better throw for around 9000 yards because I have him on every one of my fantasy teams. That being said, I don’t see New Orleans winning this South without some semblance of a defense.

Atlanta Falcons – One Time – Justin Bieber – Matt Ryan and Co. came out of nowhere last year to finish 11-5 and snag a playoff spot. Matty Ice will have to avoid a sophomore slump and prove they can do it “Two Times.”

Tampa Bay – Alright – Darius Rucker – Tampa Bay will be breaking in a new quarterback and a new head coach. I’d be shocked if they were anything better than “Alright,” this year.

Carolina Panthers – No Surprise – Daughtry – No one will be be too surprised to see the Panthers at the top of NFC South once again. This writer will be one of very few not surprised to see the Panthers back in the Super Bowl.

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals – Falling for You – Cobie Callait – After being picked by most to struggle last year, Arizona’s SuperBowl run has made Arizona the darlings of the league and the odds on favorite to repeat a division champs.

San Francisco – Miley Cyrus – The Climb – Shaun Hill has been named the starter and I am great at making hilarious puns. Aside from the Hill / Climb pun, the 49ers still have a long way to go to get anywhere near contender status. However, several teams came out of nowhere last year, so keep and eye out for Shaun Hill and Frank Gore.

Seattle Seahawks – Cascada – Evacuate the Dance Floor – Don’t just evacuate the dance floor, evacuate Qwest and get the hell away from the stadium rather than watch this probable train wreck of a football team.

St. Louis Rams – Kelly Clarkson – Already Gone – The chances of the Rams doing anything productive this year are perfectly summed up by the title of this song.

AFC East

Miami Dolphins – Sweet Dreams – Beyonce – The Bills getting another year of seasoning and TO, Tom Brady being back and the Jets new head coach and revamped defense should be more than enough to put the lights out on the Dolphins’ chance of a divison title repeat.

New England Patriots – Throw It In the Bag - Brady’s back. If I need to say more, you can look to the Pats new perrenial pro-bowler Derrick Burgess. The division title is in the bag.

Buffalo Bills – She Wolf – Shakira – She Wolf fits for a couple of reasons in this situation. First Terrell Owens is moody and emotional as a chick most of the time. Second, Terrell Owens has the remarkable talent of going from “great lockeroom guy” to “lockeroom cancer,” in one 3-catch-game flat. This remarkable transformation mirrors the transformation of man into werewolf (Orrrrrr, I just wanted to show this video, you decide). It remains to be seen if TO can shut his mouth and be the playmaker the Bills need or the distraction that they’ll regret.

NY Jets – Mariah Carey – Obsessed - It took all of one preseason game for the national media to become obsessed with Marc Sanchez. I think he’s got a long way to go, but a stout defense should help his team have some immediate success while he learns on the job.

AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers – Boom Boom Pow – Black Eyed Peas - No one this side of the Ravens hits harder than the Steelers. I forsee them leaving most of their opponents bloodied and battered on the way to another AFC Championship appearance.

Baltimore Ravens – I Gotta Feeling – Black Eyed Peas - This writer has a feeling that this is the season that Ray Ray and company make their triumphant return to the SuperBowl with a win over the Steelers in the AFC Championship.

Cincinnati Bengals – Never Say Never – The Fray - I refuse to write this team off simply because of their appearence on Hard Knocks. Still, I find it hard to believe they can contend in this division or even pick up a playoff spot. In honor of the “Kiss the Baby,” I’m not willing to completely dismiss them.

Cleveland Browns – Good Girls Go Bad – Cobra Starship w/ Leighton Meester - Brady Quinn is probably more attractive than most of the girls I end up getting with (read: All of those girls). Despite that fact, there’s no reason to believe that this team will be anything other than bad this year.

AFC South

Tennessee Titans – Love Drunk – Boys Like Girls – I see a pounding headache of a hangover for the Titans  following a 13-3 season. They’ve got a tough schedule and they’ll have to deal with the ascension of a consistent divison bottom dweller that’s finaly ready to make a move. (See Below)

Houston Texans – Waking Up in Vegas – Katy Perry - Throw some money down and beat Vegas and their 8 win projection for Houston. After Houston’s 10 win season, you can play this song and throw cash at your friends who weren’t smart enough to make this pick with you.

Indianapolis Colts – LoveGame – Lady Gaga - Everyone loves to watch Peyton Manning direct his offense up and down the field at will. If the Colts defense can in anyway match their play down the stretch in 06′ they could certainly unseat reigning AFC heavyweights Baltimore and Pittsburgh. I don’t see it happening, but it’s possible.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Not Meant to Be - Theory of a Deadman – With Indy, Tennessee and an up and coming Houston squad in the division, a playoff run is not meant to be for the Jags.

AFC West

Oakland Raiders – Use Somebody – Kings of Leon - They just need to find somebody, anybody, who can throw the football. They also probably need someone that can protect that thrower from getting his head taken off. They also need a defense. Other than that, and a coach that doesn’t sucker punch other coaches, they need nothing.

Denver Broncos – I’ll Just Hold On – Blake Shelton - I don’t see this team getting much better with Kyle Orton behind center instead of Jay Cutler. At the same time, their divison is pretty week, so they shouldn’t be a terrible record wise. Simply put, they’ll probably just hold on to a mediocre record this season.

Kansas City Cheifs – Replay – Iyaz - While the Cheifs probably upgraded their quarterback position this offseason (Tyler Thigpen wasn’t all that bad) they haven’t done enough to avoid a replay of last season.

San Diego Chargers – Miley Cyrus – Party in the USA – Well, as Tila Tequila and Shawne Merriman have proved, it’s always party-time in San Diego. They’ll be even more partying as the season moves forward because the Chargers will once again take home the division crown.

The Angry T

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We’ve officially passed the quarter pole in the Major League Baseball season and although no one (except maybe the Dodgers) is a shoe in to make the playoffs, quite a few teams have worked hard to play themselves out of the playoffs. At The Angry T, we tend to focus on the positive, so today we’re only going to discuss the division leaders and contenders. Rather than just handed out our blah, and almost always spot on, analysis we’re going to bridge the gap between sports and pop culture like only we, and thousands of other blogs, can.

We took at look at the Billboard Top 40 and coupled all division leaders and current contenders to the Top 40 song that most describes their team and their season thus far. Take a look:

Detroit Tigers 30-251st Place AL Central – Don’t Trust Me – 3Oh!3 – As a Tigers fan, its hard for me not to get excited about the Tigers’ first place start.  I’m still reticent to trust anything that the Tigers have done thus far because Brandon Inge has done a significant portion of the offensive lifting for this team, a trend that I don’t expect to continue.  If Polanco, Ordonez and Guillen (when he returns) don’t produce, this team will have a very hard time making the playoffs.

Minnesota Twins – 28-30 Second Place AL Central – Sugarland – It Happens – Every year, regardless of the names on the back of the uniforms, it just happens, the Twins are in the mix in the central.  Ron Gardenhire for mayor, governer, or Jesus.

Chicago White Sox 26-30 Third Place AL Central – Beyonce – Halo – The circular halo looks a lot like a 0, a score that the White Sox have registered eight times this year. Their eight scoreless games are worst in the league as is their .220 average at home.

New York Yankees 33-23 1st Place AL East – Boom Boom Pow – Black Eyed Peas – The Yankees have been playing long ball as a result of playing in Cape Canaveral north at the New Yankee Stadium.

Chicago Cubs 28-26 Third Place NL Central – Kris Allen – Heartless – The Cubs have shown the world that they have the tools to make the playoffs with their play over the last two seasons.  The question, the eternal question for the Cubs in fact, is whether they’ll have enough heart to translate regular season success into post-season success.

LA Dodgers 39-20 1st Place NL West – My Life Would Suck Without You – Kelly Clarkson – Many believed that the Dodgers life would suck without Manny.  All Manny’s replacement Juan Pierre has done is hit .400 and steal 10 bases in his sted.  This song might also apply to Manny’s new life without the juice.  Time will tell.

Texas Rangers 33-23 1st Place AL West – Day N’ Nite – Kid Cudi – The Ranger of last year and this year are like day and night despite the fact that Home Run Derby hero Josh Hamilton has come back to earth in his second season back.  

Milwaukee Brewers 33-24 1st Place NL Central – All-American Rejects – Gives You Hell - Even though I dislike this song  greatly, I had to use it to give credit to the newest member of the Brewers bullpen.  Trevor Hoffman has soldified the Brewers pen with 14 saves and a 0.00 ERA while still employing his trademark “Hell’s Bells,” (see the connection?) entrance music

St. Louis Cardinals 31-26 1st Place NL Central – The Best I’ve Ever  (NSFW)- Drake - We may be watching the greatest hitter of all-time in Albert Pujols.  He’s top 5 in MLB history in OPS and slugging % and is number 12 in on base and so far he hasn’t even been caught with a bottle of winstrol in his locker. YIPPEE.   Not suprisingly he’s having another ho-hum MVP caliber season for his first place Cadinals.

Philadelphia Phillies 33-22 1st Place AL East – Miley Cyrus – The Climb – First and foremost, great song.  Second, the Phillies are in great position to “climb” the mountain again and give themselves a chance to repeat as champions.

New York Mets 30-25 Second in the NL East – Sean Kingston – Fire Burning - While Francisco Rodriguez has shored up the back end of their bullpen, Mets’ set-up man J.J. Putz continues to bring the gas can with him to the mound. Aside from that fire, the Mets have to be hungry as ever to put recent late season collapses behind them. In other words, they are burning with desire to make the post season.

Boston Red Sox 33-24 Second in the AL East – Jeremih – Birthday Sex - Could we get David Ortiz some birthday sex? This guy’s lack of performance has been talked about on every major news outlet in the Western Hemisphere.  He’s getting his eyes checked, he’s getting accused of experiencing the effects of getting off steroids and worst of all he’s being accused, by this writer, of probably being unable to please his wife. Hell, there’s no way I would be able to if the entire world was wholeheartedly doubting me.  David’s birthday is November 18 and that might be too long to wait, so hopefully someone can get this guy half-birthday sex.

There you have it, Major League teams and To 40 songs.  Let me know if you think missed any teams or had any ideas of your own.

The Angry T

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I’m going to use this post to detail the worst music videos of all-time, but I’m not sure any of them have what it takes to beat the terribleness of this guy.

10. I Want to Love you Tender:

9. America – Some Dude

8. Jan Terri – Losing You

7. Some Japanese People

6. Zlad – Electronic Supersonic

4. T-Baby – It’s Cold in the D

3. Carl Lewis – Break it Up

2. Frede Miller – Anything he sings, especially this:

1. Without You – Mark Gromley

Please let me know if I missed any good ones.

The Angry T

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I am sure all the hardcore 90’s girl group fans out there have already heard, but Ace of Base plans to release another album and go on tour. Like 90 percent of you out there, I can still sing most of I Saw the Sign and all All That She Wants when it comes on the radio, even if it forces me to question whether I actually like chicks.  Unfortunately for me, Ace of Base was not the only shitty band that I listened to growing up.  Let’s break down the Top 15 garbage bands that captivated my, and hopefully your, musical heart:

(Thanks to THE Chris Atto for his help on this article)

50. Faith Hill – This Kiss

49. Dream – He Loves You Not

48. Destiny’s Child – Survivor -

47. Carrie Underwood – Before He Cheats

46. Wilson Phillips – Hold On - I know if I looked that bad in tight early 90’s jeans, I would have gotten gastric bypass surgery as well.  I feel you Torry.

45. Amy Grant – Baby Baby

44.  Toni Braxton – Unbreak my Heart - If there is anything better than a shower scene with Tyson Beckford, I don’t know what it is.

43. SWV (Sistas with Voices) – Weak – Remember 8th grade? I do.

42. TLC - No Scrubs - I think you will find very few scrubs on this list

41. Craig David - Fill Me In

40. Shakira – Hips Don’t Lie

39. Soul Decision – Faded

38. NSYNC - Bye Bye Bye – I can officially say, bye to my heterosexuality.

37. Britney Spears – Baby One More Time – Every 20 something male probably remembers where they were when they first saw this one.  I definitely remember I was pantless, alone in my room at the time.

36. Mariah Carey - Always be My Baby - If I am ever involved in a talent show, this will be the song that I bust out, and I can hit those highs as well.

35. Avril Lavigne – Happy Ending - Answer: What I am going to need after writing this list to feel heterosexual again.

34. 98 Degrees - You have to respect Lachey if for nothing else than getting with Jessica Simpson. I Do cherish Nick Lachey.

33. Mandy Moore – Candy

32. Cyndi Lauper – Time After Time

31. Nelly Furtado – Promiscuous Girl

30. Michelle Branch - Everywhere - There are worse songs everywhere you look on this list, but I can’t stop singing any of them.

29. Alanis Morisette – Ironic

28. Aqua – Barbie Girl – I think the fantastic video more than makes up for below average song.

27. Hoku - Perfect Day - It’s even worse that this song is in Legally Blonde.

26. Natasha Bedinngfield - Unwritten – If I want to keep the friends that know I write this website, I should have left the 26th spot unwritten.

25. 98 Degrees - If you don’t samba when you hear this song you don’t have pulse.

24. Miley Cyrus – See You Again brings only two words to my mind. Musical. Genius.

23. Vitamin C – CONGRATS CLASS OF 08!!!!!!:):)

22. Paula Cole – I Don’t Want to Wait – Is it just me on this one? Okay…

21. Sarah McLachlan – You thank the song above for making me remember how much I love this song.

20. Lee Ann Womack - I Hope You Dance

19. Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On

18. Madonna - If it is good enough for Bullet Tooth Tony in Snatch, Lucky Star is definitely good enough for you and me.

17. Cher – Believe - Great track…if no one is around to judge the hell out of you for listening to it.

16. Kelly Clarkson – Since You’ve Been Gone

15. Vanessa Carlton – White Houses

14. Gwen Stefani - Hollaback Girl - I have no defense for enjoying this song.

13. Christina Aguilera - Genie in a Bottle

12. NSYNC – Love me some Pop.  I start break dancing almost every time I hear this song, regardless of situation.

11.  Backstreet Boys – I didn’t like all of there songs (only 93 percent), but Shape of my Heart, despite how big of a pussy it makes me sound like, is a classic.

10. Spice Girls – Yeah fine, the chicks in the band were attractive, but that’s no excuse for me, or you, to know every word of Wannabe:

9. O – Town – Liquid Dreams? Not only was this bad the subject of a shitty TV show, they also released a song about wet dreams. So why do I know any of their terrible, terrible songs.  Like this one:

8. Westlife – I keyed up Swear it Again, and I actually started singing. I had to sprint away and look at some porn just to hold onto the shread of heterosexuality that I still claim to have.

7. Sum 41 – It is shocking how bad these guys were, yet, I do all 95 percent of the words to this song:

How much do these guys remind you of the “EXTREME” guys from Harold & Kumar?

6. Chumbawamba – Tubthumping - This might be the worst song ever written, but I’ll be god damned if it isn’t catchy”

5. Creed – Higher - This song took me to a higher level of douchebagedness:

4. Limp Bizkit – Break Stuff - This Durst character’s only redeeming quality is that he may have had sex with Britney Spears when she was hot.

3. Billy Gilman – One Voice- I am not ashamed to like Billy or sing this song. Billy is an artist in the truest form of the word.

2.  LFO - I have no defense for being able to proficiently sing the song below.

1. Hanson – MmmBop – Nothing to say here, only shame.

Let me know if I missed anything.

The Angry T

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Neil Diamond, whose song “Sweet Caroline,” has become a favorite among Red Sox fans, will perform a concert at a Fenway Park this summer.  Sox fans must be pumped that the singer of their new anthem will be coming to Fenway, so they can get “wicked pissed” or whatever they do, and listen to Neil belt out “Sweet Caroline.”  The Red Sox have their anthem, but many other teams do not.  Let’s put some songs together for a all of baseball’s teams that signify their make up and performance through the first week of the season. (Even if you hate this article, listening to all 30 of these songs will get you through half a work day…you are welcome)

AL East –

Toronto Blue Jays – Outside (Looking In) – Staind – They will be on the outside of the playoff race, looking in, as they have been for the better part of 15 years.

New York Yankees – Breaking Up is Hard to Do – Neil Sadaka – A-Rod tried to break up with the Yankees, but Neil said it best.

Baltimore Orioles – You’re Unbelievable – EMF – Not many people expected a 5-1 start out of this team

Tampa Bay Rays – All Eyez on Me – After their spread in Sports Illustrated that highlighted the Rays young talent, baseball pundits are expecting the team to better their 66-96 record in 07’.

 

AL Central

Detroit Tigers – Can’t Buy Me Love – The Beatles – 138 million dollar payroll, 1 win

Minnesota Twins – Hangin’ Around – Counting Crows – They will hang around, just like they do everywhere, despite a tiny payroll, and contend for the division title.

Kansas City Royals – Winds of Change – Scorpions – I love 80’s rock, and I love the Scorpions and luckily, this kind of relates to the Royals because it seems that winds of change might be sweeping into the gateway to the west.

Chicago White Sox – Redneck Woman – Gretchen Wilson – Have you ever seen the talent at a White Sox game? If so, you know why this song is perfect for the Sox.

Cleveland Indians – Captain Planet Theme Song – They don’t have any huge superstars (except Sabathia, who fits in the “huge” and “superstar” categories) but with their powers combined, they are one of the best teams in the league.  By the way, when they put their rings together, they summon Joe Borowski and his mid 5 ERA.

AL West –

Oakland A’s -  Been Around the World – Puff Daddy feat Mace – In reference to their Japanese escapades.

LA Angels – Leader of the Pack – The Shangri Las – The A’s don’t impress me and the Mariners don’t strike me as a playoff team.  So the Angles will remain on top of the division if they don’t fall on their face.

Texas  Rangers–  I Can’t Win – The Strokes – Pretty self explanatory

Seattle Mariners  - Here’s A Quarter – Travis Tritt – Sorry Mariners fans, even with Bedard, there are nine  people outside the state of Washington that care about the Mariners. (Even though I secretly love J.J. Putz soul patch)

NL East

Florida Marlins – Money, Money Money – Ted DiBiase – Until they have some of the green stuff again, they won’t be back in the playoffs.

Washington Nationals – I’m Still Here – Goo Goo Dolls – This song will let the fans know that opening day, is, like it sounds, the first game of the season, rather than the last, or only game of the season.  Someone didn’t get the memo, because their attendance was 20,400 or 49 percent full, in their second home game.

Atlanta – Same Old Song Four Tops – They will contend as they have for the last 15 years. This song also hits because Bobby Cox is, as the Four Tops croon, “as sweet as a honeybee.”

NY Mets – Til’ I Collapse – Eminem feat. Nate Dogg – I think you can figure this one out, especially considering their September in 2007.

Philadelphia – WWE Superstar MVP’s Entrance Music – They have the last two reigning MVP’s in Jimmy Rollins and Ryan Howard.  With Chase Utley, and Pat Burrell swinging the bat like he is currently, they have a great shot at going back to the playoff in 08’.

NL Central

Chicago Cubs – 100 Years – Five for Fighting – 100 years of losing…that has to be hard to swallow for the 15 non-drunk, non-pink Cub hat wearing people at Wrigley Field.

Pittsburgh Pirates – Next Year – Jamie Cullum – Ignore the Gilmore Girls video, the music makes perfect sense for the team.

Milwaukee Brewers – Hungry Like the Wolf – Duran Duran – They lost the division in the season’s last month to the Chicago Cubs in 07’, now they have started off a red hot 6-1 in an effort to close the deal this season.

Cincinnati Reds – Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking for – U2 – I don’t think Dusty Baker is the one piece that they were looking for to get them over the hump.  I don’t think Bronson Arroyo’s near 6 ERA is what they were looking for either.

St. Louis Cardinals – I Need a Hero – Bonnie Tyler – If Pujols doesn’t hit around 214 home runs this year, I don’t see how this team finishes over .500

Houston Astros – White Houses – Vanessa Carlton – This is simply a great song, and I don’t have much to say about the Astros. Sure they can hit, but their pitching is suspect…blah, blah,blah, just listen to the song.

NL West

Arizona Diamondbacks – See You In September – The Tempos – If they can find a little offense, their pitching should carry them to the post season.

Los Angeles Dodgers – Going Back to Cali – Notorious B.I.G.- Joe Torre, like his New York buddy is jet setting to Cali, and just like BIG, he loves gunplay, and models on the runway screaming “Joe Torre give me one more chance.”

San Diego Padres – Last Dance – Donna Summer – This could be the last go around for Maddux and Hoffman, so they better make it count.

San Francisco Giants – 99 Problems  - Jay Z – They will be lucky if they don’t eclipse 99 losses.

Colorado Rockies – Some Guys Have All the Luck – Rod Stewart – Let’s see if they can catch lightning in a bottle two years in a row.
The Angry T

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