I couldn’t be more excited that the NBA draft is only three days away.  I’m not sure if we can say the same for Blake Griffin, who will be the draft’s #1 pick. It’s hard to believe that Blake is excited to join a team that went a combined 42-122 over the last two seasons. Despite this god awful record, the Clippers return coach Mike Dunleavy, who’s seen and contributed to the misery over the last few seasons.

I’d like to help Blake Griffin smoothly transition into his role as savior of the worst professional sports franchise east of Detroit.  To do so, we’re going to translate some looks that you and your teammates will most likely get from Coach Dunleavy this season as you stumble your way to a probable 30-52 record.

“I would trade each and everyone of you for the handsome gentleman on my arm. Yes, that does include you Paul Davis.”

Thought bubble: “Just 2:45 seconds left and I can guarantee myself at 72 hours without having to see Ricky Davis…or Chris Kaman in the shower.  “

“Hold on Salvatore, are you sure it’s illegal for Zach Randolph to take a nap in lane on the defensive end of the court? I’m pretty sure if he isn’t awake, you can’t call him for defensive three seconds. Yeah, I bought him the embroidered sleeping mask. Nice touch right?”

“Don’t you dare blow out another knee Elton.  Do you know how hard it was to convince Cheik Samb to give up his left ACL last year? I told him it was for science. I hate lying to him, especially since the only English he knows he learned from the Taco Bell extra value menu.”

“Do you how many suits I’ve flexed through getting pissed off at you guys? Protein Shaaaaaakkkkeeeee”

” Chris, I’m gonna give this back to you one last time, but if you try to peel and eat it orange again I swear to god…”

“Just let the owner know I helped you up.  Kindness is the only reason I’m still here.  I had to dog sit Donald Sterling’s pomeranians four times last year just to keep the GM title.”

“No, not just out of the game.  I need you out of the stadium, and preferrable LA in the next three hours.  Yeah…see if NC State will take you back.  Get a PE degree.”

“Are you sure that I can’t fire myself if I am the GM as well as the coach? I’ll take my chances, Cheikh Samb, you’re player-coach.  Just keep running Cheesy Bean Burrito until we score.”

The Angry T

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I just happened to be trolling youtube the other day and one of the suggested videos on my home page turned out to be none other than one of the more amazing phenomenon in the sports.  Simply named QuickChange, this husband / wife team of half-time show goodness has delighted crowds for years with their unbelievable feats of disrobing and re-robing.

I don’t know how they do it, but I suspect that the black arts are in some way involved.  When you’re dealing with true magic, like we are here, you can only be certain of one thing, that someone has made a pact with the devil.  In this case they’ve acquired the ability to change clothes very quickly, a skill that they knew would allow them to dominate the half-time show circuit and make literally 10’s thousands of dollars a year.

These kings of halftime entertainment share their court with some other very impressive acts.  Let’s take a look at the very best in halftime entertainment:

Unicycle Bowl Lady:

More Unicycle Bowl Lady

RubberBoy – Not for the faint of heart:

Human Slinky – Is it weird that I’m slightly aroused by this act.  Yes, yes it is.

The Jesse White Tumblers

Tony Jaa - Martial arts specialist.

Girl That Shoots the Arrow with her Feet -

Houdini Water Tank Girl - Although this one didn’t exactly go as planned:

The German Wheel

Gilbert Arenas Half-Time Trampoline Show

Frisbee Catching Dogs

Bucket Boys

I am certain I missed a few.  Let me know in the comments.

The Angry T

Popularity: 1% [?]

Depending on who you ask, Gilbert Arenas might make his glorious return to the NBA hardwood this weekend against the Pistons. Gilbert should be back just in time to help the Wizards make a playoff push from 41.5 games out of 8th playoff spot. Even though I’m pretty sure that Gilbert was high when he sent that first text, I would still like to welcome him back with some of his best work in TV and film.

10. Gilbert Arenas Shoe Commercial

9. Gilbert Winning a One-Handed Three Point Competition Against Deshawn Stevenson

8. Gilbert Arenas’ Acceptance Speech for NBA Live 2008 (I don’t get it either)

7. Gilbert Arenas Fore-Shadowing

6. Gilbert Arenas Hibachi Shoe

5.Gilbert With an Etch-A-Sketch

4.Gilbert Almost Making it Rain (1:30 mark)

3. Adidas Basketball is Brotherhood Commercial:

This is actually a pretty awesome commercial:

1 and 2: This video is so wonderful, it deserves the one and two spots:

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I’m not sure how this one slipped through my grasp for so long, but we have definitive video of LeBron James farting in Anderson Varejao’s face.  The incident in question took place on January 16th against the Hornets, but the video was only recently posted on youtube.  Take a look:

Poor Anderson gets doused with the most athletic fart in the history of the world and all he can do is wear it, while LeBron laughs.  LeBron might be a rabid anti-European, but I’ll have to find more fart videos to prove that.

The Angry T

Popularity: 1% [?]

Remember that Josh Childress guy who ran to Greece last summer?  Every major sports media outlet did stories about the Atlanta Hawks’ 6^th man who went across the Atlantic in search of fame, money and a retainer.

With the European basketball season in full swing, we can finally take a look at the large number of NBA players who went to Europe this off-season.  Surprisingly, NBA imports haven’t exactly shined brighter than the Americans who have been overseas already for years.  Most players have seen only slight increases in their statistics, and only two players, Earl Boykins and Juan Carlos Navarro, are the leading scorers on their team.  On the other hand, almost every single team who signed a NBA player this off-season now find themselves in 1^st or 2^nd place in their league.  Does this mean that European teams will look to add even more NBA’ers?  Take a look at how all the NBA players who ran off to Europe are doing at the early part of their seasons.
Josh Childress   Olympiacos (Greece)

CONTRACT:  3 Years / 20 Million

Team Record: 9-1  (First Place)

Teammates you might know: Lynn Greer (Temple),

Last NBA Season Stats: 29.9 Minutes, 11.8 Points, 4.9 Reb, 1.5 Assists

Olympiakos Stats: 24.2 Minutes, 16 Points (79% FG), 4 Reb, 1 Assist

Carlos Delfino     BC Khimki (Russia)

Contract: 3 Years / 12 Million

Team Record: 7-2 (Tied for 2^nd Place)

Teammates you might know: Milton Palacio (7 Years NBA), Jerome Moiso (UCLA, 5 Years NBA), Maciej Lampe (3 Years NBA), Mike Wilkinson (Wisconsin)

Last NBA Season Stats: 23.5 minutes, 9 Points, 4.4 Reb, 1.8 Assists

BC Khimki Stats: 25.1 minutes, 10.6 Points, 4.1 Reb, 2.1 Assists

Jorge Garbajosa      BC Khimki (Russia)

Contract: 2 Years / 18 Million

Team Record: 7-2 (Tied for 2^nd Place)

Teammates you might know: Milton Palacio (7 Years NBA), Jerome Moiso (UCLA, 5 Years NBA), Maciej Lampe (3 Years NBA), Mike Wilkinson (Wisconsin)

Last NBA Season Stats: 28.5 Minutes, 8.5 points, 4.9 Reb, 1.9 Assists

BC Khimki Stats: 27.2 Minutes, 8.3 points, 4.1 Reb, 2.8 Assists

Jannero Pargo   Dynamo Moscow

Contract: 1 Year / 3.5 Million

Team Record: 7-2 (Tied for 2^nd Place)

Teammates you might know: Travis Hansen (BYU, 1 Year NBA), Hollis Price (Oklahoma), Yaroslav Korolev (2 Years NBA)

Last NBA Season Stats: 18.7 Minutes, 8.1 Points, 1.6 Reb, 2.4 Assists

Dynamo Moscow Stats: 27 Minutes, 14.6 Points, 3.6 Reb, 5.2 Assists

Bostjan Nachbar  Dynamo Moscow

Contract: 3 Years / 14.3 Million

Team Record: 7-2 (Tied for 2^nd Place)

Teammates you might know: Travis Hansen (BYU, 1 Year NBA), Hollis Price (Oklahoma), Yaroslav Korolev (2 Years NBA)

Last NBA Season Stats: 22.1 Minutes, 9.8 Points, 3.5 Reb, 1.2 Assists

Dynamo Moscow Stats: 28.2 Minutes, 16.8 Points, 6.1 Reb, 1.6 Assists

Earl Boykins   La Fortezza Bologna ( Italy)

Contract: 1 Year / 3.5 Million (Highest in Italy)

Team Record: 7-3 (2^nd Place)

Teammates you might know: Sharrod Ford (Clemson, 1 Year NBA), Jamie Arnold (Wichita State) , Keith Langford (Kansas, 1 Year NBA)

Last NBA Season Stats: 16 Minutes, 5.1 Points, .4 Steals, 2.7 Assists

La Fortezza Bologna Stats: 32.8 Minutes, 17.9 Points, 3.5 Steals, 3.6 Assists
Carlos Arroyo Maccabi Tel-Aviv

Contract: 3 Years / 7.5 Million

Team Record: 6-2 (Tied for 2^nd Place)

Teammates you might know: Marcus Brown (Murray State, 2 Years NBA),

Marcus Fizer (Iowa State, 6 Years NBA), Chester Simmons (Washington)

Last NBA Season Stats: 20.5 Minutes, 6.9 Points, 1.8 Reb, 3.5 Assists

Maccabi Tel-Aviv Stats: 34 Minutes, 12.8 Points, 3.5 Reb, 4.0 Assists
Primoz Brezec     Lottomatica Virtus Roma (Italy

Contract: 2 Years / ?

Team Record: 5-5

Teammates you might know: Andre Hutson (Michigan State), Allan Ray (Villanova, 1 Year NBA)

Last NBA Season Stats: 14.4 Minutes, 5 Points, 3.2 Reb, .4 Blocks

Roma Stats:19.6 Minutes, 11.4 Points, 3.1 Reb, 2 Steals

Allan Ray, Brandon Jennings, Andre Hutson
Brandon Jennings   Lottomatica Virtus Roma (Italy)

Contract:2 Years / 1.65 Million

Team Record: 5-5

Teammates you might know: Andre Hutson (Michigan State), Allan Ray (Villanova, 1 Year NBA)

Last High School Season Stats: 35.5 Points

Roma Stats: 18 Minutes, 6.1 Points, 1.4 Steals, 2.9 Assists

Gordan Giricek – Turkey Fenerbahce

Contract: 2 Years / 5 Million

Team Record: 7-3 (2^nd Place)

Teammates you might know: Devin Smith, Marques Green

Last NBA Season Stats: 15 Minutes, 8.8 Points, 2.3 Reb, 1.6 Assists

Fenerbahce Stats: 18.5 Minutes, 7 Points, 1.5 Reb, 3 Assists

Nenad Krstic    Triumph Moscow

Contract: 2 Year / 18 Million

Team Record: 3-5 (8^th Place)

Teammates you might know: J.R. Bremer (St. Bonaventure, 3 Years NBA), Alan Anderson (Michigan State, 2 Years NBA)

Last NBA Season Stats: 18 Minutes, 6.6 Points, 4.4 Reb, .4 Blocks

Triumph Stats: 21 Minutes, 10.4 Points, 5.1 Reb, 1 Block
Juan Carlos Navarro      FC Barcelona (Spain)

Contract: 5 Years / 12 Million

Team Record: 9-3 (3^rd Place)

Teammates you might know: Daniel Santiago (New Mexico, 4 Years NBA), Ersan Ilyasova (1 Year NBA), Andre Barrett (Seton Hall, 5 years NBA)

Last NBA Season Stats: 25.8 Minutes, 10.9 Points, 2.6 Reb, 2.2 Assists

FC Barcelona Stats: 25.9 Minutes, 14.8 Points, 2.1 Reb, 2.6 Assists

We’ll have to see if this trend accelerates or comes to a screeching halt as a result of market collapses in Europe.  I can tell you this I would hate to lose more of my favorite NBA 9th men of the bench like Ira Newble, Ime Udoka, Kwame Brown or Eddie House.

Violent J

Popularity: 1% [?]

Hopefully you had an opportunity to see Lebron’s best Karl Malone impression last night:

Now compare that to Karl’s rendition:

(more…)

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The newest installment of Real World / Road Rules Challenge, The Island, has been on for five weeks now and I haven’t written word one about it.  That is all about to change.  Since the NBA season is nearly upon us, and we pretend to be a sports site, let’s tie The Island in with our annual NBA preview by comparing the contenders to the delightfully boozed up Island contestants.  Here we go:

The East -

Detroit Pistons – I can’t think of a more perfect person to represent the Pistons than everybody’s favorite little bulldog, Derrick. Derrick has been to the mountaintop, just like the Pistons, and he knows what its gonna take for him to get back there.

The Pistons aren’t the favorite, like Derrick, but no one would be shocked it they/he put it all together and took home the title.

Boston Celtics – Tonya - The defending champs come into this season with a heaping helping of confidence.  Tonya comes in with that same swagger, until someone inevitably calls her a “dumb whore,” which sends her scrambling to the bathroom with tears in her eyes.  Both Tonya and the Celtics are veterans, and both were not much to look at before they were physically enhanced with Silicone (probably just on Tonya’s end) and three HOF’s.

Orlando Magic – Cohutta – They both seem nice enough, and on paper, they both look like they have what it takes to contend.  However, they lack that killer instinct or the edge that’s necessary to win.  Plus, Cohutta and Magic All-Star Dwight Howard bear a striking resemblance to one another.

Cavaliers – Kenny - The Cavs have the most talented player in the game and Kenny is the most talented player on The Island.  Kenny even went as far as to call himself the “King” of the Island because he was the beautiful man on the show.  In spite of his talent, Kenny will probably alienate enough people by the end of the show that it will become impossible for him to win.  In the same way, it won’t be possible for the Cavs to win this year.  Mo Williams does not equal Scottie.

76ers – Johanna - Both Philly and Johanna have new men in their life that add a new wrinkle to their respective games.  In Philly, Elton Brand brings a much needed post presence not named Reggie Evans. For Johanna, Kenny brings a much needed post presence not named Wes.

Toronto Raptors – Dave – They are both fairly new to the game and bring something interesting to the table.  (Toronto – O’Neal and Euros. Dave – That vest) Unfortunately, new and interesting normally don’t lead to O’Brien trophies)

Jose Calderon has that same bandanna:

The West

LA Lakers – Robin - Like Robin, the Lakers look pretty good on the surface, but deep down something is always brewing. Things could be going great for the better part of the challenge / season, but something as small as a cast member taking her last piece of food, or Sasha Vujacic taking the last piece of Laker Girl could cause a complete meltdown.

Phoenix Suns – Jenn – Neither the Suns nor Jenn know what they want.  On some shows, Jenn is straight, while on others she wants nothing more than some casual woman ass.  I think the Suns are similarly scatterbrained.  Are they going to run with Amare, Steve and Leandro, or are they going to slow it down with the Diesel?  Just as with Jenn, only time will tell.

Spurs / Maverick – Rachel – Fans of the challenges haven’t seen Rachel in about 10 years, and probably for good reason.  Her (and their) time has passed.  There might be some veteran magic left, but the NBA and the challenges are still a young man (or woman’s) game.

Rockets – Dan - To be honest, I only picked Dan for the Rockets because he is bat shit crazy and that meshes perfectly with the fact that Ron Artest is the newest Rocket.

(Trust me, you don’t need to see a picture)

Utah Jazz – Johnny Bananas - I appreciate Deron Williams’ game, but I don’t really root for the Jazz. Think about it, do you know even one fan of the Jazz?  In the same vein, I appreciate that Johnny is a douche in an attempt to win the game, but I think I echo the sentiments of America in saying that I don’t like him at all.

New Orleans – Kelly Anne – New Orleans is the sexy pick this year to piggyback off last year’s brush with success. Kelly Anne is sexy.

The Winners:

The East - Unfortunately for my hometown Pistons, I see the Celtics coming out of the East once again after a hard fought 7 game Eastern Conference Finals with the Detroiters.

The West - With a summer to gel, the Lakers steamroll the competition all the way to the Western Conference Finals where they are promptly beaten Houston Rockets.  You heard it hear first, unless it’s wrong, then forget I said it.

The Finals - As much as it pains me to say it Mr. Simmons, I see a repeat in your future.  At least we still have our memories of non-creepy Minnesota KG…until pictures like these make us forget all about that KG.

The Angry T

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