Until 2007, we all knew what to expect from Big 12 football. Texas and Oklahoma would be dominant. Texas Tech would score 56 points against Baylor, but only 14 versus anyone with a winning record. Nebraska fans would continue to have unreasonably high expectations. Like clockwork, Colorado would sexually abuse females, disparage them for their inferior kicking abilities and win six games. And almost surely, Texahoma would beat the post-Michael Bishop-Era North Division representative by at least three touchdowns for the conference title.

Then last year came along, and the short quarterback with a fat coach and the short quarterback with a fat self rallied Kansas and Missouri to national prominence in the Big 12 North. You may have heard about a certain press conference involving Mike Gundy as well. Texahoma racked up double-digit wins. Overall, ’07 was a big year for the Big 12.

What can you expect in 2008?

Well…

The All-SPF 40 Team

This special honor is reserved for pasty players that throw caution to the wind and brave the sweltering conditions of summer. With all the farming done in the Midwest, one might assume that these gentlemen would have golden complexions. At one point in time, this may have been a fair assumption, but nowadays we hire illegal aliens to do our manual labor.

First Row L-R: Ryan Miller (Colorado), BJ Beatty (Colorado), John Levorson (Nebraska)

Second Row: KC Hyland (Nebraska), Micah Kreikemeier (Nebraska)

The All-Pencil Neck Team

And now to the other mainstay of the AngryT’s preseason previews, The All-Pencil Neck Team. If a picture says a thousand words, then these snapshots are probably saying, “Cut it ouuuutttttttt! Those nose drops are medicated!” or “I’ll just imagine that this Mike linebacker is a rogue blood elf and this crackback block is a warrior orc’s berserker rage!”

First Row: Adam Schneberger (OU), Alex Metskas (Colorado), Austin Bisnow (Colorado)

Second Row: Levi Gage (Texas), Trevor Walker (Texas)

All Derek-Zoolander Team

These student athletes bring high-fashion to college football with their trendy hairstyles, liberal use of gel, faux-hawks, three-piece suits, voluptuous mustaches and fantastic use of an eyebrow.

L-R: (Front Row) Britton Barbee (Texas Tech), Van Alexander (Missouri) Ryan Roberts (Baylor),

(Bottom Row) Dominique Criss (Baylor), Bryan Madden (Texas) Ter’ran Benton (Iowa State)

The Brock Lesnar All-Stars

Note to Vince McMahon: If you’re looking for the next WWE superstar, start with the Big 12. There’s just an immense amount of potential here.

First Row: Matt “Thunder” Clapp (OU), Bryan “Lightning” Swindoll (Baylor), Jon “Milk Money” Gissinger (Missouri), Kurtis “The Ax Murderer” Gregory (Missouri)

Second Row: The Polynesian Panic, from L-R: Quentin Toailoa (Nebraska), Alesana Alesana (KSU), Hansen Sekona (KSU), Nate Vaiomounga (Colorado)

The Harold “Baby Jordan” Miner All-Worst Nicknames Team

The sports information staff of the Texas Longhorns was kind enough to include nicknames in the player bios. Below are the best of the worst. Apparently, someone forgot to tell Keenan that a nickname shouldn’t be so lengthy it needs an abridged version.

- Mac “Macaroni and Cheese” McWhorter

- Keenan “Determination Mental Toughness” or “DMT” Robinson

- Charlie “Tanner Tots” Tanner

Mike Gundy Player of the Year

While Nebraska’s Derek Meyer may not be a kid, he does everything right. Most importantly, HE IS A MAN! HE’S FORTY!

For those of you who have been racking your brain for years to name your phallic pasta dish, meet K-State’s Penisini Liu. Simply further proof that if you take one part reproductive organ, one part Chef Boyardee and one part Mortal Kombat, you have name magic.

Very few men can live up to the slicked back goodness of Steve Lavin. Missouri’s Adam Casey is willing to try.

Colorado’s David Goldberg looks a little cocky. But hey, if my uncle was once the world’s foremost fake-beater-up of bitch-tittied ‘roiders, I’d fancy myself a badass too.

We always knew Brad Taylor was the Toolman’s most athletic son. But something looks a bit off…oh, I know! Randy shaved Al’s beard and pasted it on Brad’s face! Oh man! I can’t wait to see how Randy tries to smart-mouth his way out of this one.

Alex Trebek > Alex Hrebec.

Nasty Nate

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The AngryT has heard the clamoring since last Friday’s SEC preview.  So, in an attempt to appease the entire state of West Virginia, the Matt Grothe bandwagon (personally, I don’t get it) and the three remaining Syracuse fans, here is the 2008 Big East football preview – AngryT style.

The All-SPF 40 Team

This special honor is reserved for players that throw caution to the wind and brave the sweltering conditions of summer.  With a few exceptions, we’re once again north of the Mason-Dixon Line, where summer doesn’t last six months and gingers abound.  Interesting all-black wardrobe choice by Michael Torper – not exactly accentuating his positives.

From L-R:  Ben Maljovec (‘Cuse), Eric Wood (L’Ville), Jim McKenzie (‘Cuse), Michael Torper (Pitt)

The All-Pencil Neck Team

Just think.  If you would have practiced place kicking and pretending to pull a hammy each time a return man got within 15 yards of you like these guys, you too could be lacing it up at the D-I level.  Who knows?  Maybe you even could have been a future millionaire in the NFL.  Hurts, doesn’t it?

L-R:  Ben Rios (WVU), YouTube sensation Maikon Bonani (USF), Tony Ciaraviono (UConn)

The All-First Liners

Fasten your seat belts, Versus channel fans.  While these players probably don’t like hockey and may not even know what hockey is, they sure as hell sound like a devastating first line to me.

L-R:  Ilia Petrov (USF), Alex LaMagdelaine (UConn), Martin Bedard (UConn)

The All-Liquid Dream Team

I’m not going to beat around the bush.  If you don’t know what Liquid Dreams is a reference to, we can never be friends.  We’re just operating on two totally different comedic wavelengths.  Anyway, while the following players are certainly no Dick Sex, they have the looks of a pretty sensational boy band.

L-R:  Scott Kozlowski (WVU), Chaz Cervino (‘Cuse), Houston Hess (USF)

Nelly’s Grilled Out All-Stars

I can’t stress enough to anyone that’s planning on buying me a birthday gift that a gold grill would complete my look.  I have a tall tee with a huge picture of Fred Sanford on it that would go perfect with a nice yellow gold grill.  Mom and Dad, think about it.

L-R: Noel Devine (WVU), Jock Sanders (WVU),

Shockingly, and unfortunately, Noel and Jock were the only players to sport a grill in a team picture.   With that sort of bling, they deserve to be in a class of there own anyway.

All-Mythological Team

To name your kid after the biggest badass in Norse mythology, you have to have a pretty good inkling that this kid is going to be pretty sweet.  It could also be that a person who gets named after the biggest name in Norse mythology grow up to be badasses to live up to their name.  Either way, bold choice Mr. and Mrs. Merrow.

L-R: Thor Merrow (WVU), Ovid Goulbourne (WVU), Orion Woodard (Cincinnati, no picture on site),  Taurus Johnson (South Florida),

The Brock Lesnar All-Stars

These players, much like this all-natural destroyer of worlds, seem to be a better fit in the squared circle than the gridiron.

L-R:  Vincenzo “The Don” Giruzzi (‘Cuse), Trent “Teen Wolf” Pupello (USF), Jordan “Lil’ Andre” Gibbs (Pitt)

The Dave Wannstedt All-‘Stache Team

After seeing the magnificent lip fur on WVU’s Julian Miller, it became very clear that there is only room for one ‘stache on this team.

Almost Famous

Khalil El-Amin (UC) and Khalid El-Amin

Are you smarter than a fifth grader?  If you’re reading our blog, than probably not.  But it’s alright…neither is Cincinnati’s Alex Hoffman – probably because he’s only in third grade.

It’s too bad Sabbath Joseph doesn’t go to Louisville.  They only seem to play on Thursdays – no weekly day of rest conflicts.  You really should’ve thought that one through before deciding to play college football, Sabbath.

Finally, the “The Rock” has come back…to Louisville.

Son of Jarel, kneel before Zod!!!!!!

Let’s see…a record-breaking, 200-plus pound wide receiver named Mike Williams that wears #1?  For the love of God, Mike…STAY IN COLLEGE!  There’s so much food out there!  Oh, the humanity!

Apparently, things are going so bad at Pitt for the Wannstache he needed to sneak an NFL head coach onto his roster.  Hopefully the Panthers have eight running backs.

There’s a good chance this guy led the Big East in on-base percentage this season.

Nasty Nate

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