If you have read The Angry T for a significant amount of time, you know we have a certain penchant for super-babies. What is a super baby you ask? Well, a super baby is born when two phenomenal athletes sack up and combine their genetic juices. The Olympics give us a fantastic opportunity to do a little match-making with the world’s best pure athletes. Let’s take a what kind of monster could be produced using the best of the best:

Jamaican Sprinter Usain Bolt and South Korean Weightlifter Jang Mi Ran

The mechanics of this act of coitus could be problematic, but I think the world’s fastest man will be able to make do, especially since Jang can lift 138 kg’s in the Snatch. Jang Mi Ran is a three time world champion weightlifter that can pass on the type of genes, that when coupled with Bolt’s, will make the ultimate combination of size and strength. Watch out world.

Two-Time US Taekwondo Gold Medalist Steven Lopez and US Gymnast Alicia Sacramone

I would have chosen to pair Lopez with America’s best gymnast, Shawn Johnson, but Johnson is only 16. As disgusting as a human being as I am, not even I could put these two together in good conscience. With that being said, can you imagine how devastating the child of a gold medal martial artist and a world class gymnast might b?e This child would be a real life version of the chicks in Crouching Tiger.

Probably most importantly, Lopez was rated one of People’s 50 most beautiful people and Sacramone is pretty hot, so this would he one beautiful child.

US Basketball players Lebron James / Dwight Howard and US Volleyball Kerry Walsh

Combine the athletic ability of Lebron or Dwight with the height and athletic ability of Walsh and you have a 7′5″ child, male or female, with a 71 inch vertical. I listed Dwight and Lebron because both would work perfectly individually with Walsh, or they could involve themselves menage et trois and just roll the dice. In either case, the kid could play volleyball, basketball, handball, handjob, or any other number of ball related games that in any way involve athletic ability.

Lebron’s block today against Angola

US Shooter Walter Eller and Japenese Two-Time Olympic Gold Medalist Ayumi Tanimoto

Walter Eller just broke the Olympic record in the Double Trap shooting event and Tanimoto just won her second straight gold in the 63 kg Judo class. Can you imagine the super hero / secret agent these two could produce? James Bond would crying in his martini if he ever had to go up against this bad ass.

US 110-Meter Hurdler Lolo Jones and US Swimmer Michael Phelps

We all know about Phelps’ exploits and how he virtually rules the water. You may not know that Lolo is one of the world’s best at the 110-meter hurdles, an event that combines jumping ability and sprinting ability. What better way to compliment Michael’s dominance in water than with Lolo’s dominance of land (the track) and air. This child would have dominion over all beasts that populate land, sea or air…The Ultimate Super Baby. Oh yeah, Jones is pretty hot too.

Any other suggestions? Leave them in the comments.

The Angry T

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If you didn’t already have a reason to watch the Olympics, I am going to give you one. Meet Alicia Sacramone, a young, supple American gymnast that I saw last night while watching a replay of the U.S. Olympic Gymnastic trials and figuring out whether I wouldn’t to kill myself by strangulation or stabbing.

Bad news pedophiles, she’s 19. Good news dudes who wait until chicks are 18 to oggle them, meaning that you were probably oggling them when they were 16, meaning that you are probably a pedophile, she’s legal. OGGLE. By the way, she has an uncharecteristically "developed" chesticle area for a gymnast.

I don’t care if she messed up, I still sort of love her:

I really hope this is actually her:

I don’t know about you, but I’ll be watching the gymanastics at the Olympics, and not just the men’s this time…I promise.

The Angry T

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My family and friends know that I don’t start a day without ingesting a small amount of crushed deer penis diluted in a solution of turtle blood. I learned this practice from an old, constantly drunk, Chinese man that used to hang out in front of my favorite liquor store in college. He was young looking his age, virile, and had the amazing ability to drink two and a half bottles of five o’ clock in a day and not die, as most mortal men might do. What escaped me about this old Chinese man, was that he was absolutely ripped. He was probably the most in-shape 65 year old alcoholic Chinese man that I have ever met. What also escaped me was that the deer penis and turtle blood he was drinking were as potent as anabolic steroids.

It good to see that the Chinese are cleaning up their act and directing their athletes to use modern training aids:

The nation’s sports stars are replacing millennia-old elixirs with vitamins, protein shakes and Western remedies.

Thankfully, “protein shakes” and “vitamins” have never got any athletes into trouble in the United States. Just ask Neifi Perez and Lindsay Hunter.

I don’t normally give these tips away for free, but if Chinese athlete really want a legal leg up, take a play out of your own playbook and try “Horny Goat Weed.” It can be found at almost every gas station, and one pill is has good as an oil barrel full of stanizol.

The Angry T

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p>Once again, the Communists refuses to cooperate. First, Beijing’s air is so polluted that the world record holder in the marathon has refused to run in the Olympics. Now, an even more egregious injustice is being committed.
Now I know that the communists aren’t as materialistic as we capitalists. They don’t care about things like Gucci handbags or Cartier watches. I was under the impression that they did enjoy the ability to take a seat when they go number 2, but now I know that is just another of our capitalist excesses.

Here is a look at a squat toilet, because I had no clue what one was, until I found this very informative picture:

Now, for all your communists out there, this is how the other half poops:

Here is deputy director of venue management for the Olympics, Yao Hui’s take on the situation:
“Most of the Chinese people are used to the squat toilet, but nowadays more and more people demand sit-down toilets,” Yao said. “However, it will take some time for this transition.”
The Chinese people are also used to making the equivalent of 1,000 US dollars per year (on average) in urban areas. ($358 in rural areas) I don’t think that the Chinese are willing to spend 30 percent of their annual income on a sit down toilet. I also like how Yao throws in a little big, “nowadays more and more people demand sit-down toilet.” By nowadays, do you mean since the advent of indoor plumbing? Get it together China. These are the people that America fears? They don’t even sit down when they poo. I have seen that Charmin commercial with the bears, and even they sit down when the poop, and they use toilet paper, not some inhumane bucket with a hose coming out of it. I officially fear bears more than the Chinese, and most bears aren’t even communists. Take that Mao.

The Angry T

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These are the risks that you run when you try to organize the Olympic Games in a communist regime. Communists are known for three things: Hippy Sentiment that dictates everyone is equal, cigars, and pollution.

When the world record holder decides to wait until 2012 to run his best event, there must be a problem. In fact, as the article states, many British atheltes may wear masks during competition because this Communist smog permeates the streets of Beijing, waiting to get into your lungs and influence you to share wealth equally. What kind of shop are you running over there Mao Zedong? Mix in a park every few miles, I know it worked for me in SimCity. This is like the Spurs refusing to go to Cleveland last year because Quicken Loans arena didn’t have air conditioning and several of their players are prone to heavy sweating, BO, and concerns about embarrasing themselves with said BO. It’ not like you get a ton of chances to win an Olympic gold medal.

There are only three possible reasons why this guy wouldn’t go.

1. He is a pussy

2. He thinks he is good enough to win this year, in four years, or whenever the hell he chooses to compete.

3. The Communist smog in Beijing might actually harm him

I t believe number there are very few pussies who can run 28 miles as fast as he can. Also, runners know that injuries can crop up at any time and that no Olympic appearance is guaranteed. So, I am inclined to believe that this Toxic Communist smog may actually be harmful. Harmful enough to convert the Olympic athletes into disgusting raging communists? I believe so.

You almost pulled a fast one on us Mao, but the every vigilant blog community has struck again and we will make the world (or the 9 people that read this site) aware of your insidious plot.

Where is Joe McCarthy when you need him?

The Angry T

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