There is something to be said for the bad sports movie. You watch it once, and even though it is completely unrealistic, with several gaping holes in the plot and a questionable cast, you can’t help but like it. When someone tells you how bad they thought it was, you actually begin to like it more, just because you refuse to believe your take on the move was off-base.
I want to honor these terrible sports movies, and because the Oscars are tonight, I am going to pass out the Angry T’s Anti-Oscar, chock full of the worst of the worst (or the best of the best) in the pantheon of sports movies.
Worst Actor
The Nominees
Chris Klein/LL Cool J – Rollerball – They come as a package deal because they both deserve my scorn for participating in this movie.
Air Bud – Air Bud, Air Bud: Golden Receiver – This was by far the least convincing football and basketball playing golden retriever I have ever seen.
Bow Wow – Like Mike
Greg Ostertag – Eddie – He had so much experience as the dumb looking, awkward white dude that I thought he would really shine in this role. Needless to say I was very disappointed.
Winner / Loser:
Kevin Klein / LL Cool J – Rollerball - I would like to extend this loss to anyone involved in the movie including, but not limited to, Rebecca Romijn.
Worst Actress
The Nominees:
Rosie O’ Donnell – A League of their Own – I should really be giving this to the casting director, who, for a reason unbeknownst to any that finds women attractive, decided to put Rosie O’ Donnell in a dress.
Rosie Perez – White Men Can’t Jump – Billllyyyyy!!! Although I love the movie, Rosie Perez’s voice makes me want to missle drop kick my television just to make it stop. And no, I don’t care that you know five foods that start with the letter Q.
Amy Morton (Henry Rowengartner’s mom) – Rookie of the Year – What kind of parent teaches their son to throw underhand? I made several calls to social services following this film in an attempt to get Henry moved into foster care. Unfortunately, I never succeeded. God knows where poor Henry is today.
Charlize Theron – The Legend of Bagger Vance – She did a decent job in this movie, but for a decent portion of the film she pretended not to still love Matt Damon. I saw right through that, he is Matt Damon for god’s sake, he was in Good Will Hunting, there isn’t a person in the world who doesn’t love him.
Winner: Rosie O’Donnell – That picture above documents an important event in Rosie’s life. It is the closest she has ever come to holding a phallus. Luckily, our statue nearly doubles as a dildo, you are welcome Rosie.
Worst Director (Worst Coach)
The Nominees:
Jon Voight – Varsity Blues – On the strength of this lackluster performance, he gave a similarly average performance in Glory Road as Adolph Rupp. It just goes to show you that no average deed goes unrewarded.
Lane Smith – The Mighty Ducks – Coach Jack Reilly had the talent, his players had the pedigrees and they still found a way to lose to a rag tag group of players coached by washed up NHL, and felon, Gordon Bombay.
Danny Glover – Angels in the Outfield – It is hard to respect the performance of any man who needs Angels to make the playoffs. It is frustrating to see this poor of a performance from the man who did “Operation Dumbo Drop.”
Rodney Dangerfield – Ladybugs – Anyone who saw his “Triple Lindy,” in Back to School was waiting for Rodney to make a sports movie. Although innovative, his coaching techniques are scandalous and immoral, even if they were unbelievably effective.
Winner: Danny Glover as George Knox in “Angels in the Outfield” – What did he do on his own as a manager? He had that angels to help his players and he had that kid from “Third Rock from the Sun,” to tell him when to pitch Tony Danza. He was virtually useless as the skipper.
Worst Picture
Nominees:
Major League: Back to the Minors: Bob Uecker should be ashamed that his has his named attached to this piece of garbage.
The Garbage Picking, Field Goal Kicking, Philadelphia Phenomenon: Shockingly, a Tony Danza project found another place on this list. I always knew that he should just give up the whole movie star business and settle down with Angela.
Caddyshack II – Surprisingly, Jackie Mason does not equal Rodney Dangerfield. Randy Quaid nearly saves the movie with this scene:
Victory – This plot outline really says it all:
In World War II, a group of Nazi officers come up with a propaganda event in which an all star Nazi team will play a team composed of Allied Prisoners of War in a Soccer (Football) game. The Prisoners agree, planning on using the game as a means of escape from the camp. To think, Sylvester Stallone could do a subpar sports movie.
(Oh yeah, that’s Pele. He filmed this scene in between shooting a Rat Poison and Tampon commercial.)
Winner: Major League: Back to the Minors – Anyone who has wasted an hour and a half of their life watching this movie knows the pain tolerance, or laziness, necessary not to change the channel. From Roger Dorn, to Billy “Downtown” Anderson, this movie has all the necessary pieces to make it the worst sports picture of all-time.
Here a few movies and awards that don’t deserve the lengthy write-up and nominee portion. These films just win, because the awards fits them to a T:
Worst Cinematography – The Basketball Diaries – Leonardo DiCaprio as a dominant point guard, Mark Wahlberg dunking, this is probably the least believable sports movie ever made. In fact, I would probably call this a movie that involves sports, rather than a sports movie, because I am not sure they are even trying to make the sports’ scenes look legit.
Writing / Visual Effects– Happy Gilmore – If you actually listen to some of the dialogue by the non-main characters, you have to wonder how many monkeys and typewriter were used to create this script. Terrible writing aside, the visual effects rival your local high school’s production of Oklahoma. No matter how hard the producers tried to make me dislike this movie, I still count it as one of my favorites.
Worst Animated Feature Film – Space Jam – Space Jam won this category because I couldn’t think of another animated sports movie, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t terrible. The whole world knows that Bugs Bunny doesn’t have the handles to play point and I don’t care how tenacious porky pig is under the glass, he would get eaten up if he tried to play the four. This movie is completely implausible from a basketball perspective, and I won’t stand for it. Now if you excuse me, I am going to watch Road House 2: Last Call and get a dose of reality.
The Angry T
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