The newest installment of Real World / Road Rules Challenge, The Island, has been on for five weeks now and I haven’t written word one about it. That is all about to change. Since the NBA season is nearly upon us, and we pretend to be a sports site, let’s tie The Island in with our annual NBA preview by comparing the contenders to the delightfully boozed up Island contestants. Here we go:
The East -
Detroit Pistons – I can’t think of a more perfect person to represent the Pistons than everybody’s favorite little bulldog, Derrick. Derrick has been to the mountaintop, just like the Pistons, and he knows what its gonna take for him to get back there.
The Pistons aren’t the favorite, like Derrick, but no one would be shocked it they/he put it all together and took home the title.
Boston Celtics – Tonya - The defending champs come into this season with a heaping helping of confidence. Tonya comes in with that same swagger, until someone inevitably calls her a “dumb whore,” which sends her scrambling to the bathroom with tears in her eyes. Both Tonya and the Celtics are veterans, and both were not much to look at before they were physically enhanced with Silicone (probably just on Tonya’s end) and three HOF’s.
Orlando Magic – Cohutta – They both seem nice enough, and on paper, they both look like they have what it takes to contend. However, they lack that killer instinct or the edge that’s necessary to win. Plus, Cohutta and Magic All-Star Dwight Howard bear a striking resemblance to one another.
Cavaliers – Kenny - The Cavs have the most talented player in the game and Kenny is the most talented player on The Island. Kenny even went as far as to call himself the “King” of the Island because he was the beautiful man on the show. In spite of his talent, Kenny will probably alienate enough people by the end of the show that it will become impossible for him to win. In the same way, it won’t be possible for the Cavs to win this year. Mo Williams does not equal Scottie.
76ers – Johanna - Both Philly and Johanna have new men in their life that add a new wrinkle to their respective games. In Philly, Elton Brand brings a much needed post presence not named Reggie Evans. For Johanna, Kenny brings a much needed post presence not named Wes.
Toronto Raptors – Dave – They are both fairly new to the game and bring something interesting to the table. (Toronto – O’Neal and Euros. Dave – That vest) Unfortunately, new and interesting normally don’t lead to O’Brien trophies)
Jose Calderon has that same bandanna:
The West
LA Lakers – Robin - Like Robin, the Lakers look pretty good on the surface, but deep down something is always brewing. Things could be going great for the better part of the challenge / season, but something as small as a cast member taking her last piece of food, or Sasha Vujacic taking the last piece of Laker Girl could cause a complete meltdown.
Phoenix Suns – Jenn – Neither the Suns nor Jenn know what they want. On some shows, Jenn is straight, while on others she wants nothing more than some casual woman ass. I think the Suns are similarly scatterbrained. Are they going to run with Amare, Steve and Leandro, or are they going to slow it down with the Diesel? Just as with Jenn, only time will tell.
Spurs / Maverick – Rachel – Fans of the challenges haven’t seen Rachel in about 10 years, and probably for good reason. Her (and their) time has passed. There might be some veteran magic left, but the NBA and the challenges are still a young man (or woman’s) game.
Rockets – Dan - To be honest, I only picked Dan for the Rockets because he is bat shit crazy and that meshes perfectly with the fact that Ron Artest is the newest Rocket.
(Trust me, you don’t need to see a picture)
Utah Jazz – Johnny Bananas - I appreciate Deron Williams’ game, but I don’t really root for the Jazz. Think about it, do you know even one fan of the Jazz? In the same vein, I appreciate that Johnny is a douche in an attempt to win the game, but I think I echo the sentiments of America in saying that I don’t like him at all.
New Orleans – Kelly Anne – New Orleans is the sexy pick this year to piggyback off last year’s brush with success. Kelly Anne is sexy.
The Winners:
The East - Unfortunately for my hometown Pistons, I see the Celtics coming out of the East once again after a hard fought 7 game Eastern Conference Finals with the Detroiters.
The West - With a summer to gel, the Lakers steamroll the competition all the way to the Western Conference Finals where they are promptly beaten Houston Rockets. You heard it hear first, unless it’s wrong, then forget I said it.
The Finals - As much as it pains me to say it Mr. Simmons, I see a repeat in your future. At least we still have our memories of non-creepy Minnesota KG…until pictures like these make us forget all about that KG.
The Angry T
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