It is said that all athletes wish they could be musicians, and all musicians wish they could be athletes. This list below at least confirms the former. The video evidence proves that the vast majority of them should be happy that they can run and jump and don’t have to croon for a living.
The Good:
Wayman Tisdale - I am fairly sure this man, this sweet jumpshot and his jazz guitar have won a Grammy.
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I love me some Nicole Kidman. Sure she looks emotionless and robotic in almost every picture that has ever been taken of her. But think about that for a second, wouldn’t you be interested in doing it with a sexy robot? I know I would, but then again a few weeks ago, while shopping at Target, I became sexually attracted to a sleek Hamilton-Beech toaster oven.
In any event, according to Forbes, Nicole Kidman is the least bankable actress in the entire world, which is impressive, because I have to assume this list include Jannine Garafalo. Her movies earned a paltry $1 for every $1 that she was paid for starring in those movies. Her movie The Invasion, which was a remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, actually lost $2.68 for every dollar they paid Nicole.
As always, we must attempt to tie this story into something sports related if we want to maintain that The Angry T is actual a sports site. Sooo, let’s see take a look at the Least Bankable Athletes in the sporting world, with per dollar figures relating to their exploits:
10. Ben Wallace – $16,250,000 in 2008
$108,333 (150 this year) per indiscferable yell toward the referee and scowl after a “bad call”
$225,694 per made free throw (72 this season)
$16,250,000 per coach that his underperformance in Chicago cost his job (One coach lost: Scott Skiles)
$1,820,000 per game played last season (10 games played last season)
$6,066,666 per team that has been disappointed since he left Houston before the 2004 season (3 teams: ORL, NYK and then HOU when he returned before last season.
$3,640,000 per game (5) until he begins to sulk after being out of Rich Adelman’s rotation in the 2009 season.
$281,666 per game that he’ll miss due to a sore back (60 game DL)
$16,900,000 per fantastic trivia question about the what MLB player was ahead of Peyton Manning on the QB depth chart at Tennessee (Answer: Todd Helton)
$166,487 per game that O’Neal has missed due to injury over the last four years (123)
$109,050,640 reasons why he doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone for the rest of his life (Amount of money Jermaine has made in his career off salary alone)
$10,500,000 per season with over a .260 batting average (2) since joining the Yankees in 2002 after hitting .290+ in his previous six seasons with Oakland.
$11 per New York chick that Jason hit on this season by asking “Who wants a mustache ride?” (1.9 million girls)
3. Alex Rodriguez – $35,000,000 in 2008
5,000,000 per major offensive categories in which A-Rod leads the Yankees. (HRs, RBI, On-Base, Avg. Runs, Slugging, OPS)
$1.94 per person in the New York metropolitan area that still blames A-Rod for the downfall of the Yankees this season.
95% of the people that read this article that will refer to A-Rod’s .242 average with runners in scoring position as proof that I am an idiot for saying that he is not a bum
95% of people that read this article that will know after this sentence that the best three Yankee pitchers this year have a combined age of 113 (Pettite, Mussina, Rivera)
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Hall of Fame guard Joe Dumars made 22.5 million dollars during his 14 year career with the Detroit Pistons, his hall of fame backcourt mate Isiah Thomas made 16.5 million. Dream Teamers Charles Barkley and Larry Bird pulled in a combined 70 million during their illustrious careers. After this season, Tim Thomas will have pulled in 84 million dollars during a career in which he has averaged 12 points and 4 rebounds over 14 seasons.
That’s the way things go in sports today. Some superstars played before the big payouts came, and some marginal players came at exactly the right time to swoop in and steal millions of dollars for statistics that wouldn’t have earned them 10 million dollars in their career 20 years earlier. Today however, there is an elite group of current players who have earned over 100 million dollars in their career. On the list are current superstars, former superstars playing out their career, and NBA players with really, really good agents. Here is the 100 million dollar or more superstars:
Shaquile O’Neal 252 million
Kevin Garnett 210.1 million
Jason Kidd 145.7 million
Alonzo Mourning 140.2 million
Allen Iverson 132.5 Million
Juwan Howard 131.2 Million
Stephon Marbury 130.3 Million
Rasheed Wallace 129.3 Million
Kobe Bryant 127.1 Million
Grant Hill 126.0 Million
Tim Duncan 122.0 Million
Ray Allen 120.8 million
Tracy McGrady 115.8 million
Dikembe Mutombo 113.6 million
Michael Finley 109.4 million
Jermaine O’Neal 109 million
Zydrunas Ilgauskas 101.6 million
Just missing the cut….
Antoine Walker 99.2 Million Eddie Jones 98.7 Million Antonio McDyess 97.6 Million Damon Stoudamire 94.7 Million
Now if some of those 100+ millionaires made you think twice about how much “superstars†are paid these days….take a look at these career earnings compared with the greatest team ever assembled:
Team Great Agent: Keith Van Horn 88.8 Million Theo Ratliff 87 Million Tim Thomas 84 Million Erick Dampier 82.3 Million Raef LaFrentz 71.3 Million Steve Francis 67.7 Million Donyell Marshall 63.1 Million Austin Croshere 54.3 Million Adonal Foyle 45 Million Tony Battie 42.8 Million TOTAL: 686.3 Million
1992 Dream Team Career Earnings
Patrick Ewing 123 Million David Robinson 118 Million Scottie Pippen 109.8 Million Karl Malone 106.5 Million Michael Jordan 93.7 Million John Stockton 68.2 Million Christian Laettner 61.5 Million Magic Johnson 46.2 Million Charles Barkley 43.5 Million Chris Mullin 39.5 Million Clyde Drexler 31.6 Million Larry Bird 26.5 Million TOTAL: 868 Million
When a team led by a white guy who wore high socks is an Antoine Walker and Eddie Jones career earning away from matching the greatest team ever assembled, I know something is very wrong. Brian Cardinal just reached 23.5 million for his career. Somewhere Isiah is crying, and this time it’s not about getting fired from the Knicks.
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It looks as if some of Charles Barkley’s political aspirations have rubbed off on one of his former running mates. Kevin Johnson has decided to run for mayor of Sacramento. Stealing a line from Owen Hart (RIP), Kevin has decided that enough is enough, and it is time for a change.
Kevin isn’t the first athlete to venture into the world of politics. Steve Largent, Jesse Ventura, Lynn Swann, J.C. Watts, Tom Osborne, Jack Kemp and Bill Bradley, just to name a few, have made their mark, in one way shape of form, on the world of politics. But those are the names of the past. At The Angry T, we look to the future, our business is prognostications. Let’s take a look at some athletes that should get into politics and exactly where they should run.
Andre Rison – President…of Venezuela – Andre owes around $100,000 in child support to two different women. In 2006, a Michigan judge ordered that Rison’s pention be garnered to start paying down that debt. The solution to this problem is for Andre to move to Venezuela, a country that does not extradite United State criminals back to the States for trial. Plus, president isn’t a bad gig, and I guarantee that no one you’re running against has 10,000 career receiving yards.
p> Wayne Gretzky – Prime Minister of the Cayman Islands – Many people are unaware that the Cayman Islands are hot bed of hockey enthusiasm. This would be a great country for Wayne to set up his political shop because, as all gamblers know, all the big online sports betting sites are based out of the Cayman Islands, and as sports fans know, Wayne likes to place a wager every now and then. Oh, I am sorry Wayne, that was your wife, you didn’t place any wagers at all. You know you have found a keeper when you wife is willing to take the fall for you in a federal investigation.
Brett Favre – President of the United States – Let’s say that Brett Favre entered the presidential race tomorrow, Thursday March 5th. Would you bet against him winning the nomination, regardless of the party for which he chooses to run? I wouldn’t, I can tell you that. In fact, I think his presidential aspirations are at least half the reason he retired. Look for that announcement later this week.
Art Modell – Mayor of Cleveland – Sure he moved the team to Baltimore, but a lot of people forget all the good things he did in Cleveland. Remember when he fired Paul Brown? How about when they won the 1964 NFL Championship the following season, that Paul Brown firing looked pretty good after that (Even though they didn’t win another league championship for 30 years). Do you know who remembers that great decision to the teams’ namesake? Old people, and old people are the only people who vote. Modell would win in a landslide.
Shaquille O’ Neal – Mayor of Sacramento – Let’s make this an all athlete race for the mayor’s seat. Even though Shaq has made it clear that he is not a Sacramento fan, its so hard not to love this guy that he will probably win anyway.
Dennis Rodman – Mayor of Las Vegas – Las Vegas is already considered an adults’ playground. But can you imagine how wild things would get if Dennis became Mayor. I imagine Mad Max meets Escape from L.A. meets Pretty Woman but instead of the nice hooker in that movie, these hookers are dirty, money hungry and ridden with medieval diseases like smallpox, the plague and a particularly vicious strain of genital warts.
Kurt Russell will be involved in some way:
Richard Jefferson – Governor of Massachusetts - I am in no way suggesting that Richard Jefferson is the gay New Jersey Net. What I am suggesting is that Richard Jefferson would be tolerant, just like the State of Massachusetts (the only state to allow gay marriage), because he may have played with a homosexual. Even if Jefferson was gay, there would be nothing wrong with that, right Kramer?
I flirted with adding David Wesley as a candidate for president of Germany, so he could manage the AutoBahn, but at the last second, I thought it might be too soon.
