Yesterday, we rehashed Tonya Harding’s latest legal indiscretions.  We mentioned that Tonya and John Daly would make a perfect pair.  She loves to drink just as much as he does, and I am sure he loves to smoke as much as she does. In no time at all, she and John would be happily married with 14 or 15 children. 
As always, we decided to go the extra mile and put together some other athletes who would be perfect for each other.  Here is The Angry T All-Cupid Team:

Marion Jones and Roger Clemens:  The couple that injects together gets failing kidneys and damaged heart valves together…or something like that.  “By the power vested in me by Stanizol, I, Brian Mcnamee, now pronounce you man and wife.

Chyna and Batista: Speaking of steroids, these two would produce kids with extra digits, limbs and heads. 

Lebron James and The Chick Below that can Dunk: They could talk about all kinds of things, including dunking and making kids that could jump over a basketball hoop:

Travis Henry and Sheryl Swoopes: This would be more of a platonic relationship, but it is clear that both of these people share a strong affinity for women.  Travis’ nine children is evidence enough that he loves the ladies and Sheryl’s lesbianism gives me an indication that she loves chasing skirt as well.

Jayson Williams and Tonya Harding:  Well Mr. Daly, you have a little bit of competition.  You might share an affinity for drinking and smoking, but Tonya and Jayson share a love that cannot be broken, a love of firearms. 

Martina Hingis and Lawrence Taylor: Even though LT is out of the coke game, a beautiful woman like Martina could bring him back into the arms of the white lady.

Rebecca Lobo and Tayshaun Prince:  Not only do they both love basketball, they could also make beautiful horse looking babies if they were to have children:

Tiger Woods and Sacagawea: I know Tiger is already married, and I know Sacagawea isn’t an athlete, but I believe that he and Sacagawea would make a great pair as both of them are afraid that the camera will steal their soul if it takes their picture.  At least Sacagawea has an excuse for being afraid of the foreign technology, since she lived in the 17th century.  Tiger has no such excuse, yet he constantly complains about cameramen.  I don’t hear any complaints from Bob Tway, and it’s like a photo-shoot in Milan every time he takes the club back.  He is one great looking man.

Bruce Pearl and Underage College Girls:  Can’t you just see this clown showing up at a normal college party with a Toga, and being the drunkest person there? This guy is the “cool dad” that you knew in high school, who would always let you drink in his basement, “as long as you weren’t driving”.

“Let me tell how we used to do it boys.  Me and Smitty would get piss drunk blah blah blah blah.”

Shut up “cool dad”/Bruce Pearl, you aren’t cool, and no matter how many sideline reporters you grope, no one will think you are anything other than a dirty old man. Do you think Erin Andrews likes to be groped by your greast sausage fingers? Do you think girls aren’t creeped out by your 45 year old balls on their legs?    I can’t wait until he takes the Indiana job, and then has to pay child support to the three coeds he lured into the coaches office:

“So, you wanna see my Horizon League Championship Ring? You know I beat Alabama in the tournament that year? You know Earnest Shelton was on that team right?

Grow up Bruce.
The Angry T

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For someone like myself whose only true loves in life are figure skating and guns, I nearly jumped out my window with joy when I saw this article about Tonya Harding.  Apparently police were called in when a neighbor reported hearing shots from the former figure skating, current mixed martial arts psycho’s house.  Says the neighbor who heard the gunshots:

“She has a perfect right to shoot.  I don’t know that she’s not doing it in a safe manner.  I called (the police) as a courtesy.”

Let me translate this quote for those of us who don’t speak redneck or don’t currently have a Copenhagen lodged in their lower lip:

“I love me some guns, I love me some NASCAR, Jeff Gordon should burn in hell, but even I don’t trust Tonya Harding with a rifle.”

Tonya Harding being a gun toting redneck is nothing new.  As she so elegantly put, she is a “…redneck type of girl…..I cut wood, drink beer, work on cars…”  However, you may not know what your other favorite figure skaters are up to.  The headlines you are about to see may shock and surprise you…especially since I just made them up.

“Nancy Kerrigan hooks up with Uncle Joey from Full House….sexual imitations of Popeye, Bullwinkle and Yosemite Sam heard throughout the night by neighbors”

Brian Boitano in pink ruffled shirt: “My sexual preference is my business.”

Oksana Baiul believes she has turned into a magic genie, first wish is to become sober, second and third wish are for shots of vodka

Maury Povich to the Keebler Elf: You are the father……of Tara Lipinski

Kristy Yamaguchi turns to soft core porn…..milk commercials

Surya Bonaly inducted into the black figure skater Hall of Fame, feels very lonely as she only black figure skater ever.

Violent J

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